Does it ever feel like no one ever really knows you? Like you exist physically, but that you don't seem to be making a mark anywhere in the world? You go through the motions of the day, but do people actually know who you are? Do you know who you are? And not just what your label is, but who you really are, what your essence is.
There's so much I feel I don't know about myself. But more than that, or maybe because of that, I feel that people don't really know me. They think they do. They assume things, they decide things for me, "oh, Erachet, you're afraid of everything" "oh, Erachet, I know you, you're funny and cute and amusing" "oh, Erachet, you always slack off your schoolwork."
I guess there's an element of truth in all of those, but it always makes me annoyed when people say things like that. When people think they know me, and so they make statements, but really they only know a small part of me. Yes, I'm afraid of many things, but do you have any idea how many fears I've conquered? How brave I really am? How many times I force myself to do things because I know my fears are just holding me back? Is that being afraid of everything? I'm so much stronger than that, I just know I am. I'm no coward.
Yes, I can say funny things, sometimes even stupidly funny things, and yes, I'm small and some people may find that cute, but I feel so patronized at times. I can be serious. I feel serious quite often. I'm not just some child who happens to be in college. I have grown up. Sometimes people who've known me for a long time think I haven't changed at all since high school. But just look at me! I have changed! My whole perception of the world, of who I am, of who I can see myself with in the future, of what my ideals are - they've all changed to an extent. They've all matured. I've matured.
I've matured in my schoolwork, too. Yes, I'm lazy, yes, I procrastinate all the time, but I actually care about my grades now. It's sort of icky for me since I'm a procrastinator and then get upset over grades lower than what I know I can get, and not that I didn't care in high school, because I did, but I value my efforts so much more now. I'm more organized, I actually use a planner, I actually study for my tests. Old habits die hard, I'm not the most studious that I could be, but I wish I was.
So I wish people would just stop judging me based on who I was some years ago. See me for who I am now.
I wish I could open up and let people see me, really see me. I wish people could really know the true me, all of me. But at the same time, maybe it'd be frightening. I don't even know the true me. I only know bits and pieces of myself. And of those bits and pieces, even smaller bits and pieces actually get shown to the world.
It makes me feel so removed from people sometimes, to only have them know certain tiny fragments of who I really am. It makes me feel like I'm not really making an impression on anyone, let alone in the world in general. I know, I'm young, I have time to actually make my mark on the world. But still. I wish I knew how to open up more and just let myself get closer to other people. I wish I wasn't so afraid of what they'd think of me if they really saw me, the real me, or all that I know of the real me, in any case.
7 comments:
Great, great post.
(I recall you liked Chana's post which touches on some of the same.)
I'm not sure it's possible for others to ever truly know more than fragments of one another, though some obviously know more than others and some perceive even more far better.
As for the final part, that takes a while. The difference between how I was at 16, 18, 20, 21, and now at 23 are tremendous in letting people see the "real" me, in becoming closer to others. Practice makes perfect. :)
Plus, it comes back to one of my fave lines: Be yourself, because the people who care don't matter, and the people who matter don't care. :)
I can definitely relate to this feeling. I think that most people who know me don't really know me all that well--as you said, they only see a very small piece of the whole person that is me. Some people know more than others, but even those who know more certainly don't know everything. And it is incredibly annoying to have people treat you a certain way based on outdated and/or false knowledge, when you're a different person who deserves to be treated in accordance with who you are NOW. (I had a lot of trouble with that when I came back from E"Y especially; I felt like pinning a sign to myself with that quote about "assume". :-P)
Sometimes I also wish I could be more open, less afraid of what people think. But I also recognize that I am not ready to handle all that would entail.
What frustrates me is when people think they know me but don't. Especially parents. Plus, Heisenberg Principal states that something observed isn't the same as being unobserved. And so if one leads an analyzed life, then they're constantly changing/growing.
Wow, erachet,
I know how you feel...really, really, because i've been thinking along the same lines for a long time now.
Besides all my other (many many myriad) frustrations, i'm also frustrated about how we can post and comment and recomment on the same things over and over, and yet when it comes to the "lemaaseh" we get stuck. Why can't we just be open? Why can't we just be okay with talking to people? Why can't we just be okay with ourselves, and not be so overly critical, and not be so frustrated by the fact that we don't know ourselves so well yet?
Ok, you're right. Like you, i'm only a kid (well, a 20 year old kid almost graduating college) but there's so much i wish i could know about myself, and so much more i wish i could share with the world, or at least those who care to listen...
If i had time i would start my own blog...
but i doubt anyone would want to listen there either...
Erachet,
I know I don't know you.
This is not your fault; it is my fault for not seeing, for not looking at people the way I should.
I'll try to do better.
Yes, yes, yes. I wish people would realize that I'm not the same person I was in high school, too. But you can't really sit down with someone and say, "Here's how I've changed and now I'm a different person. Please proceed accordingly."
Even though I wish I could do that with some people.
I don't want people making assumptions about me (or about the kind of person I want to marry) based on what they know about me from elementary or high school - or even seminary.
That fear that you talked about at the end of your post - I have that sort of fear as well, that people won't know the real me or the me I want them to know. I'm always thinking that I said something wrong or stupid that will project the wrong sort of person that I am (or wish I was). After I say such things, I want to erase them - from my memory and from the memory of the person I said them to - but of course that's not possible.
Wow, your post gave me a lot to think about. Good job, Erachet.
To everyone who commented, thank you so much for doing so. You all really made me feel much less self conscious about having these fears and thoughts because I know now they must not be so uncommon.
Part of what I love about blogging, for the short amount of time that I've been doing it, is that I really can say what's on my mind, what's bothering me, what I love, what I'm afraid of, in a way that people can get a better view of the inner me, the me that doesn't always get revealed any other way. I guess I should learn not to rely so much on the written word to make myself understood, though, but to be able to open up in real life, as well. Like Ezzie said, practice makes perfect.
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