Pharoah the Mitzri

Reposted from 2009. A parody of Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss. Enjoy!

In the far-away country across from the Nile,

Pharaoh the Mitzri was king for a while.
A bustling land. It was rich. It was neat.
The water was warm. There was plenty to eat.
The Mitzrim had everything Mitzrim might need.
And they were all happy. Quite happy indeed.

They were… until Pharaoh, the king of this plenty,
Decided the Jews in his land were too many.
“I’m ruler,” said Pharaoh, “I stand at the helm.
But the Jews overpopulate throughout my realm.
Perhaps they'd revolt in this land by the Nile.
What if they took over? How horribly vile!
Their ill-boding strength - it just cannot go down.
They ought to be fewer!” he said with a frown.

And Pharaoh, the Mitzri King, gave a command

To all of the midwives who worked in his land

That each Jewish baby, if it was a boy,
They throw in the Nile, to kill and destroy.
He made Jewish mothers get rid of each son
But Yocheved was smart and sent hers on the run.
She made him a teva and lined it with tar.
And sent him a'floating - though not very far.

Meanwhile, Pharaoh said, "Now I am strong!
My kingdom is safe. Not a thing can go wrong!
I’m the king of Mitzrayim! And I rule the Jews!
I’m the king of the Nile! I can never lose!
I’m Pharaoh the Mitzri! Oh, marvelous me!
For when I am ruler, there's nothing that's free!”

And for some time after, he sat up there high
Saying over and over, “A great king am I!”
Until ‘long about bathtime. Then Batya went out--
His daughter, to wash and to swim all about.
And she saw, in the Nile, a baby float by.
She stretched out her hand to console him his cry.
Looking up, she said, “Moshe shall be his name.
For I've drawn him from water. Who knows whence he came?
We'll have to adopt him - he seems rather tame.”

So Moshe grew up in the home of the king
And Pharaoh knew not what bad news this would bring.

Over time Pharaoh started to fear once again
For the Jews were not lacking some big and strong men
And so he declared, to assert his position,
His vision of slavery come to fruition.
"I'll give them hard labor!” his royal voice thundered,
"And then all will know I am king times a hundred!

“Hardship! More hardship!” he bellowed and brayed.
And the Jews in Mitzrayim were very afraid.
They trembled. They shook. But they came. They obeyed.
From all over the land, they came working by dozens.
Whole families of Jews, with uncles and cousins.
They did not have much choice, were too scared to revolt.
And they got no respite, not a moment to halt.

Meanwhile Moshe had run far away

For he killed a Mitzri and so could not stay

Thus he lived in Midian and he watched over sheep

When he saw something that would make anyone leap!

A bush! And on fire! But it did not burn!

Through it, God spoke to Moshe, said, "It's Pharaoh's turn.

Go down to Egypt and take out the Jews.

And Moshe went down, though he tried to refuse.

But Pharaoh the Mitzri who sat up on high,
Did not care one wit 'bout the Jews and their sighs.
“Begone!” shouted Pharaoh. “I’m the king of the trees!
I’m king of the birds! And I’m king of the bees!
I’m king of the butterflies! King of the air!
Ah, me! Do not whine 'cause I really don't care!
I’m Pharaoh the Mitzri! Oh, marvelous me!
And I'll make your work harder - that is my decree!”

Then again, from below, on the palace room floor,
Moshe and Aharon said one thing more.
“Your Majesty, please… we don’t like to complain,
But our Jewish brethren are feeling great pain.
If you won't let them go, we'll be frank, won't be vague,
Our God will come smite you - He'll bring you a plague!"
Though Pharaoh's magicians at first said, "Yeah? Bring it!"
With just a few proofs, knew God's finger was in it.

“You hush up your mouth!” howled the mighty King Pharaoh.
“The Jews can't go free! I will give them more sorrow!
I rule from the clouds! Over land! Over sea!
There’s nothing, no, NOTHING, that’s higher than me!”

And, while he was shouting, his heart was quite hardened
It seemed that the Jews might not ever be pardoned.
Until the plague of blood and the Nile was scarred-ened.
“What’s THAT?” snorted Pharaoh. “Say, what IS that thing
That dares to be higher than Pharaoh the King?
I shall not allow it! They'll work harder still!
I’ll keep myself higher! I can and I will!
My Jewish slaves shall not ever go free!
I'll keep them forever, now please let me be!"

But, as Pharaoh, the Mitzri King, lifted his hand
And gave out his orders and barked his command,

That bustling land that was rich and was neat

Where the water was warm, where there's plenty to eat

Was smote by God's hand, nine more plagues on the way
Frogs and then lice and wild animals -- nay
They weren't enough, the Jews still had to stay.
Then the animals of the Egyptians all died

Boils, and hail, even locusts, God tried!
Then thick, heavy darkness, which was not enough still

So God killed the first born of each Mitzri until--

Pharaoh, who thought he was king of the trees,
And king of the air and the birds and the bees,

Said, "Get out, you Jews! Go on out of here, please!"
For Pharaoh, the King of the land 'cross the Nile,
Was no match for Hashem, who beat Pharaoh with style.

And today we remember how God set us free,
How He saved us from Egypt, so His we may be.
We got our first Mitzvah after that escapade
For a nation we are now, and so long we have prayed

That next year in Jerusalem our seder'll be made.

Pharaoh the Mitzri

(A parody of Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss - read the original, too!)

(Er, I think this is a rough draft. And it's kinda late. But enjoy! Have a Chag Sameach, everyone!!!)

In the far-away country across from the Nile,

Pharaoh the Mitzri was king for a while.
A bustling land. It was rich. It was neat.
The water was warm. There was plenty to eat.
The Mitzrim had everything Mitzrim might need.
And they were all happy. Quite happy indeed.

They were… until Pharaoh, the king of this plenty,
Decided the Jews in his land were too many.
“I’m ruler,” said Pharaoh, “I stand at the helm.
But the Jews overpopulate throughout my realm.
Perhaps they'd revolt in this land by the Nile.
What if they took over? How horribly vile!
Their ill-boding strength - it just cannot go down.
They ought to be fewer!” he said with a frown.

And Pharaoh, the Mitzri King, gave a command

To all of the midwives who worked in his land

That each Jewish baby, if it was a boy,
They throw in the Nile, to kill and destroy.
He made Jewish mothers get rid of each son
But Yocheved was smart and sent hers on the run.
She made him a teva and lined it with tar.
And sent him a'floating - though not very far.

Meanwhile, Pharaoh said, "Now I am strong!
My kingdom is safe. Not a thing can go wrong!
I’m the king of Mitzrayim! And I rule the Jews!
I’m the king of the Nile! I can never lose!
I’m Pharaoh the Mitzri! Oh, marvelous me!
For when I am ruler, there's nothing that's free!”

And for some time after, he sat up there high
Saying over and over, “A great king am I!”
Until ‘long about bathtime. Then Batya went out--
His daughter, to wash and to swim all about.
And she saw, in the Nile, a baby float by.
She stretched out her hand to console him his cry.
Looking up, she said, “Moshe shall be his name.
For I've drawn him from water. Who knows whence he came?
We'll have to adopt him - he seems rather tame.”

So Moshe grew up in the home of the king
And Pharaoh knew not what bad news this would bring.

Over time Pharaoh started to fear once again
For the Jews were not lacking some big and strong men
And so he declared, to assert his position,
His vision of slavery come to fruition.
"I'll give them hard labor!” his royal voice thundered,
"And then all will know I am king times a hundred!

“Hardship! More hardship!” he bellowed and brayed.
And the Jews in Mitzrayim were very afraid.
They trembled. They shook. But they came. They obeyed.
From all over the land, they came working by dozens.
Whole families of Jews, with uncles and cousins.
They did not have much choice, were too scared to revolt.
And they got no respite, not a moment to halt.

Meanwhile Moshe had run far away

For he killed a Mitzri and so could not stay

Thus he lived in Midian and he watched over sheep

When he saw something that would make anyone leap!

A bush! And on fire! But it did not burn!

Through it, God spoke to Moshe, said, "It's Pharaoh's turn.

Go down to Egypt and take out the Jews.

And Moshe went down, though he tried to refuse.

But Pharaoh the Mitzri who sat up on high,
Did not care one wit 'bout the Jews and their sighs.
“Begone!” shouted Pharaoh. “I’m the king of the trees!
I’m king of the birds! And I’m king of the bees!
I’m king of the butterflies! King of the air!
Ah, me! Do not whine 'cause I really don't care!
I’m Pharaoh the Mitzri! Oh, marvelous me!
And I'll make your work harder - that is my decree!”

Then again, from below, on the palace room floor,
Moshe and Aharon said one thing more.
“Your Majesty, please… we don’t like to complain,
But our Jewish brethren are feeling great pain.
If you won't let them go, we'll be frank, won't be vague,
Our God will come smite you - He'll bring you a plague!"
Though Pharaoh's magicians at first said, "Yeah? Bring it!"
With just a few proofs, knew God's finger was in it.

“You hush up your mouth!” howled the mighty King Pharaoh.
“The Jews can't go free! I will give them more sorrow!
I rule from the clouds! Over land! Over sea!
There’s nothing, no, NOTHING, that’s higher than me!”

And, while he was shouting, his heart was quite hardened
It seemed that the Jews might not ever be pardoned.
Until the plague of blood and the Nile was scarred-ened.
“What’s THAT?” snorted Pharaoh. “Say, what IS that thing
That dares to be higher than Pharaoh the King?
I shall not allow it! They'll work harder still!
I’ll keep myself higher! I can and I will!
My Jewish slaves shall not ever go free!
I'll keep them forever, now please let me be!"

But, as Pharaoh, the Mitzri King, lifted his hand
And gave out his orders and barked his command,

That bustling land that was rich and was neat

Where the water was warm, where there's plenty to eat

Was smote by God's hand, nine more plagues on the way
Frogs and then lice and wild animals -- nay
They weren't enough, the Jews still had to stay.
Then the animals of the Egyptians all died

Boils, and hail, even locusts, God tried!
Then thick, heavy darkness, which was not enough still

So God killed the first born of each Mitzri until--

Pharaoh, who thought he was king of the trees,
And king of the air and the birds and the bees,

Said, "Get out, you Jews! Go on out of here, please!"
For Pharaoh, the King of the land 'cross the Nile,
Was no match for Hashem, who beat Pharaoh with style.

And today we remember how God set us free,
How He saved us from Egypt, so His we may be.
We got our first Mitzvah after that escapade
For a nation we are now, and so long we have prayed

That next year in Jerusalem our seder'll be made.

A Question on the Four Questions

As we were plodding our way through the Haggadah (well, I suppose this is before most of the plodding, really), I noticed something rather puzzling about the Ma Nishtana - the 'four' questions. It starts off, "ma nishtana halayla hazeh mikol haleilot?" which most people translate into, "why is this night different from all other nights?" But if you look at the actual language, what it really seems to be asking is, "what is changed on this night from all other nights?" The passage then goes into a list of the different things, "shebichol haleilot, that on all other nights..." etc. So this list seems like an answer to the question of what is different. But those four things are not the ONLY things that are different! On all other nights, we don't normally drink four cups of wine. We don't normally invite people in to eat with us. Etc. etc. etc.

Also, if the question is "why is this night different from all other nights?" we don't really get an answer in the Haggadah. "Avadim hayinu l'Paroh b'Mitzraim - We were slaves to Pharoah in Egypt" is not really an answer to the Ma nishtana. True, each of the things spoken about in the Ma Nishtana can represent our journey from bondage into freedom, but that's only inferred. The Haggadah never specifically answers it. Later on in the Haggadah, when we talk about Pesach, Matzah, and Marror, it goes into why we have each of those things, but what about the dipping? And the leaning while we eat? Where is that answered?

This is not a dvar Torah, this is a question. What is up with the Ma Nishtana? What is it really asking and where are the answers?

Also, I appreciate the idea that the children are supposed to ask questions at the Seder, but does anyone else feel like it's a cop out every time in the Haggadah where there is a commentator's question about why something is done a certain way, why wine is poured at a specific point, etc. and the answer is merely, "to get the children to ask?"

Bedikat Chametz meets Lewis Carroll

Chametz Hockey
(from Through the Egypt-Land and What the Jews Baked There)

'Twas brillig, and the yeasty loaves
Did higher and higher make their way:
All risen were the cookie cloves
And the cake crumbs did stay.

"Beware the Chametz hock, my son!
The toasted bread, the pies that crunch!
Beware the pasta strands, and shun
All of these things for lunch!"

He took his light and spoon in hand:
Long time the crumbly foe he sought --
So rested he by the den TV,
And shteiged a while in thought.

And, as in Jewish thought he slouched,
The Chametz hock, with floury dress,
Came peeking out from 'neath the couch
And validated his bless!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The light and spoon went seek-'n-scoop!
He caught it dead, and with the bread
He went galumphing back.

"And hast though caught the Chametz hock?
Come to my arms, my shtarkish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He schepped lots in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the yeasty loaves
Did higher and higher make their way:
All risen were the cookie cloves
And the cake crumbs did stay.

And, advice from Trademark (my sister): (wisely) Erachet, you need to learn the Ways of the Garage. I wonder what these so-called Ways could be?

Huffabo et puffabo et tuum donum inflabo!

That's Latin for "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!" I'm not sure where I found it. But anyway, I take Latin and so does my cousin so over the first days of yom tov, my uncle asked me if I now get the Latin joke in Life of Brian. I haven't seen Life of Brian in ages so I didn't really remember the Latin joke, so after yom tov I went on google and searched for it and this was what I found:

[A Centurion catches Brian writing graffiti on the palace wall.]

Centurion: What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes, they go the house?

Brian: It says, "Romans go home."

Centurion: No, it doesn't! What's the latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on !

Brian: Er, "Romanus"!

Centurion: Goes like?

Brian: Annus.

Centurion: Vocative plural of "Annus" is?

Brian: Er, "Anni"!

Centurion: "Romani"... [writes "Romani" over Brian's graffiti] "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?

Brian: "Go".

Centurion: Conjugate the verb, "to go"!

Brian: Er, "Ire." Er, "eo," "is," "it," "imus," "itis," "eunt."

Centurion: So, "eunt" is... ?

Brian Third person plural present indicative, "they go".

Centurion: But, "Romans go home" is an order. So you must use... ? [twists Brian's ear]

Brian: Aaagh! Imperative!

Centurion: Which is...?

Brian: Aaaaagh! Er, er... "i", "i"!

Centurion: How many Romans?

Brian: Aaaaagh! Plural, plural... er, "ite"!

Centurion: "Ite"... [writes "ite" on wall] "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home" is motion toward, isn't it?

Brian: Dative! [Centurion pulls out gladius and holds it against Brian's throat] Aaagh! Not the dative, not the dative! Er, er... accusative, accusative, "ad domum", sir, "ad domum"!

Centurion: Except "Domus" takes the...?

Brian: The locative, sir!

Centurion: Which is...?

Brian: "Domum"!

Centurion: "Domum"... [writes "Domum" on wall] Um. Understand? Now, write it out a hundred times.

Brian: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.

Centurion: Hail Caesar!

Awesomely funny, though I learned that Locative would actually be "Domi," not "Domum."

While I was already on the Life of Brian quotes page, I skimmed it for the other funny quotes and found a few which reminded me just why I thought the Stern play was a combination of Cinderella and Life of Brian. And they are:

Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.

Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!

Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for yourselves! You're ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd: I'm not!
The Crowd: Sch!

It's a very funny movie, but not so kosher. Then again, Monty Python is hardly ever kosher.

In other news, Pesach has been really great so far. I made matzah balls for the first time and they came out awesome. Of course, while I was making them, it took me a while to figure out that if I stand directly over the pot and gently drop the matzah balls in, I won't get splashed with boiling water. Until I figured that out, I was tossing them in like basketballs from across the kitchen so I'd be out of range of the burning splash. It was quite fun. Matzah basketballs!

And now it's back to making note cards for my Latin midterm that I have to take before vacation is over. The good news is, I've finally been able to catch myself up to basically where I'm supposed to be in that class. I think no matter what, there should be a catch up week in the middle of every semester. Sure, plenty of people will waste it, but for those who seriously need it, it will alleviate so much stress and tension. And even for those who waste it, they need a break anyway. It will just be healthy for everyone overall. Sort of like a recharge period.

Kadesh, Urchatz, Karpas, Yachatz...

At last, a Pesach post!

So today my sister and I spent a long time working on the seder table. We're having my cousins over for the first days (so that's two families - four adults and seven kids all together), two sets of grandparents, and then us (my family is six all together) so that makes twenty-one people on the first night, and a possible twenty-second on the second (another cousin might be coming from the other side of the family). That's a lot of people to seat around the table. We have four tables pushed together so everyone can fit, so my sister and I had to make place cards for everyone. Otherwise it's too crazy to have everyone try to find seats.

We usually make place cards but this year we wanted to do something cute with them. So for the first night, inside each place card is another phrase from "Adir Hu," so when we get up to it, each person can shout out his/her phrase (yes, we're a really corny family :) it's awesome). For the second night, inside each place card is either a line answering the question "__ mi yodeah?" from "Echad, mi yodeah" or a personality from Chad Gadya. It was a lot of fun making them and drawing little pictures on each one, but it got a bit tedious. Then we had to figure out where everyone was sitting because my mom told me to put families together, but there are certain cousins who want to sit together, too, so it got a bit complicated. But finally, it was all worked out.

We also have felt masks for the Chad Gadya personalities and for the makot. They're really funny. And we have these little dolls for each of the makot, too, scattered around the table, and these little plastic frogs with flipper things on them that you hold down and then let go and they flip. Hopefully they'll keep everyone entertained throughout the seder, especially maggid which can get long for some of the younger cousins.

Right now I'm so hungry because there's hardly anything to eat today. It's frustrating not being able to eat chametz but also not being able to each matzah or anything else we'll be eating at the seder, either. Every year on this day, my mom (or one of my aunts, whoever's hosting the seder that year - we switch off houses annually) makes a stew which we eat all afternoon since there's basically nothing else. That, and we usually have pesach chocolate chip cookies which I seem to remember tasting better than they actually do. I guess everything's relative. They do taste better than a lot of other kosher l'pesach food. We completely stopped buying those cereals (fruity o's, honey stars, etc.). They taste worse than eating cardboard. Really vile. And macaroons are even worse. Ew. But that's mostly because I really don't like coconut. My dad likes macaroons, I think. But he likes a lot of interesting foods (like all these weird, random juices with green algae and spinach and other green, healthy things that definitely were not meant to be in beverages).

Anyway, I wish you all a chag kasher v'sameach!