Today we moved Straight Man into YU. As we waited for Straight Man to sign in and get his room and student ID, someone came over and put a bright red bracelet on my wrist that said, "Welcome To YU." It was the weirdest thing. I was being welcomed to YU as though I was a guest, except I was just a student in Stern three months ago.
It's bizarre to me that YC and Stern's first day of school is this Wednesday, and I won't be there. Stern was my home for the past four years - it feels like I still belong there!
Every year of our lives, we grow and develop as people. But my time at Stern was where I probably had my biggest growth spurt as a person. So many people think that sort of thing is supposed to happen during your year in Israel. There's that pressure before you go - are you going to "change?" How much are you going to "grow?"
But what does it mean to grow, anyway? I don't think you can go anywhere specifically to grow. I know in all the Israel school interviews, they ask why you're going to Israel and everyone always says, "To grow in my Judaism, to grow as a person..." But you can't plan when and where you're going to develop as a person. My most meaningful growth experiences have been the most ordinary kinds of experiences, and not meant for growth at all. They weren't in any way inspiring. Some of them were quite difficult. I was not on a high. I struggled. I listened. I observed. I learned about others and about myself. And I grew.
I know there is still a lot of growing left for me to do, but I have a feeling it will be of a different kind. Everything about Stern was a kind of dream. Now I feel as though I'm waking up into an unfamiliar place, and I have to get my bearings all over again.Yet enough of that dream has remained with me upon waking, and I will keep it close to me. I don't know where I'm headed now. It's all very much an adventure, I suppose. I just have to learn to stop looking back and concentrate only on moving forward.
But I do miss Stern already, and I can never thank anyone who has been part of that experience enough for what they have given me.
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Starting Out On A Journey
I am officially done with school.
Ever.
(Or maybe not ever, but for now.)
Last night was my last night as the Apple's roommate. In fact, it was my last night as part of TBA (what I nicknamed our apartment on my blog way back in the beginning of the year. I believe it stands for "The Best Apartment" - not very original, I know). But not even, because M.R. had already left.
Last night, the Apple and I talked a bit until we were nearly asleep (that didn't take very long, seeing as we were both exhausted from packing and transporting luggage). When I shut the lamp, I thought to myself, "These last few seconds before I fall asleep are my last few seconds as a member of this apartment. When I wake up in the morning, my time at Stern will really be over." While I was still the Apple's roommate, it was like school was still in session, even though there were no more classes. I was still a part of my Stern experience. Now I'm home for Shabbos and any return to the Stern premises will be as a graduate.
Truthfully, I do have one more night in my apartment at Stern. D2 and I are packing our stuff on motzei Shabbos and leaving Sunday morning. But it will be just us. We will be the last ones to say goodbye to The Apartment.
...And then we, and everyone else, will go on together to the next stage of our lives.
What's both nice and strange at the same time is that we're not saying goodbye to each other. We're going to be seeing each other next year. This is not like the end of the year in Israel when people go off to their respective colleges in various different states or countries or even continents. Those people you really need to say goodbye to. But not my friends now. We're still going to be together in some ways, but...differently. I don't know what it will be like but it doesn't feel lonely.
D2, Chana, SJ, M.R., and the Apple,
This year, there were struggles, triumphs, difficult moments, awesome moments...but you guys have been amazing apartment mates.
At the start of this year, I wrote a post on beginnings. Well, now we're all facing a new kind of beginning. It's the beginning of a path in a completely different walk of life. But I think we're not alone on that path. It's one we don't know well at all, yet we are not walking it in solitude, even as we are also all doing different things next year.
There's a song from the end of the movie Anastasia that I love. It's meant to be a love song really, but I think it can really apply to any sort of close relationship - especially a deep-rooted friendship that will help each of us face whatever journey we have up ahead.
As I step wistfully out of one stage and nervously, but not unhappily, into the next, I take with me everything my time at Stern College for Women has provided me with. In a way, I am the same person I always was, except I'm being that person in a different way. It's slightly confusing. But refreshing, in a way. It's exciting to feel like I can possibly do something important with my life outside of the comfortable school cocoon.
So thank you, Stern College.
This post feels somewhat awkward, but I guess some things are hard to say, let alone say with elegance.
This blog will no longer be the records of a girl in college. Now it will be something else. Perhaps it will be more important to me than ever to write about what happens to me. My life suddenly feels like it's one big surprise.
I suppose we shall see what happens come tomorrow.
Ever.
(Or maybe not ever, but for now.)
Last night was my last night as the Apple's roommate. In fact, it was my last night as part of TBA (what I nicknamed our apartment on my blog way back in the beginning of the year. I believe it stands for "The Best Apartment" - not very original, I know). But not even, because M.R. had already left.
Last night, the Apple and I talked a bit until we were nearly asleep (that didn't take very long, seeing as we were both exhausted from packing and transporting luggage). When I shut the lamp, I thought to myself, "These last few seconds before I fall asleep are my last few seconds as a member of this apartment. When I wake up in the morning, my time at Stern will really be over." While I was still the Apple's roommate, it was like school was still in session, even though there were no more classes. I was still a part of my Stern experience. Now I'm home for Shabbos and any return to the Stern premises will be as a graduate.
Truthfully, I do have one more night in my apartment at Stern. D2 and I are packing our stuff on motzei Shabbos and leaving Sunday morning. But it will be just us. We will be the last ones to say goodbye to The Apartment.
...And then we, and everyone else, will go on together to the next stage of our lives.
What's both nice and strange at the same time is that we're not saying goodbye to each other. We're going to be seeing each other next year. This is not like the end of the year in Israel when people go off to their respective colleges in various different states or countries or even continents. Those people you really need to say goodbye to. But not my friends now. We're still going to be together in some ways, but...differently. I don't know what it will be like but it doesn't feel lonely.
D2, Chana, SJ, M.R., and the Apple,
This year, there were struggles, triumphs, difficult moments, awesome moments...but you guys have been amazing apartment mates.
At the start of this year, I wrote a post on beginnings. Well, now we're all facing a new kind of beginning. It's the beginning of a path in a completely different walk of life. But I think we're not alone on that path. It's one we don't know well at all, yet we are not walking it in solitude, even as we are also all doing different things next year.
There's a song from the end of the movie Anastasia that I love. It's meant to be a love song really, but I think it can really apply to any sort of close relationship - especially a deep-rooted friendship that will help each of us face whatever journey we have up ahead.
As I step wistfully out of one stage and nervously, but not unhappily, into the next, I take with me everything my time at Stern College for Women has provided me with. In a way, I am the same person I always was, except I'm being that person in a different way. It's slightly confusing. But refreshing, in a way. It's exciting to feel like I can possibly do something important with my life outside of the comfortable school cocoon.
So thank you, Stern College.
This post feels somewhat awkward, but I guess some things are hard to say, let alone say with elegance.
This blog will no longer be the records of a girl in college. Now it will be something else. Perhaps it will be more important to me than ever to write about what happens to me. My life suddenly feels like it's one big surprise.
I suppose we shall see what happens come tomorrow.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thoughts and Things I've Learned
More than any other schooling experience, my time at Stern has been a real journey. Through the teachers, the classes, and friends both in and out of school, I have been molded, and perhaps molded myself, into a richer, more mature, more self-assured person.
One of the first things I've had to learn was not to compare myself to anyone else. Someone else's success is not my failure. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with me, even if I did not "get" whatever the other person "got." Regardless of what any other person gets or how far any other person goes in any pursuit, I can only get as far and do as well as my efforts and talents allow.
The more you look at what other people are doing in comparison to what you are doing, the more negative feelings you will conjure up towards that other person. Trust me, it's not at all worth it. Feeling those things won't change anything. All it will do is make you frustrated and annoyed at both the other person and yourself. You'll resent the other person for doing well and you'll resent yourself for not performing to your potential and for feeling resentful towards your friend.
Yeah, it's frustrating not to get as good a grade as you want, especially if a friend does better than you in school. It's disappointing, and even somewhat depressing, to wish to get chosen for something and get passed over in favor of your friend. Such things bring competition into places where there should be none. But when such things happen, instead of looking at yourself and feeling resentful about all you're lacking, it's good to realize that you do have talents and that you have a lot more to go in order to reach your potential.
On that note, you always have the chance to grow more in your talents and stretch out your hand farther towards your potential. A grade is not a brand marking you forever as the limit of your abilities. There is always room and opportunity to strive for higher accomplishments. So you don't succeed today. That's okay. There's always tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. Or even the next decade. Today might be someone else's moment, but one day it will be yours, too.
Something else I learned is to stand behind my own words. After all, if I don't stand by myself, who will? If I don't feel confident in what I'm saying, why should anyone take me seriously? Or believe in my ability to get anywhere or accomplish anything? If I write disclaimers before all my stories, it means I don't believe in my own writing! Am I going to be afraid of showing myself to the world forever? Or am I going to stand up and be confident that my opinions count, too, and that they're just as valid as anyone else's?
Sometimes people say things about you that aren't necessarily true or super accurate. Sometimes you even say things about yourself that aren't exactly accurate just to please or pacify someone else. But why should you? Why shouldn't you stand true to who you are?
I'm pretty intimidated about leaving the safety of school and stepping out into the "real" world. No matter what anyone says about the difference between the different stages of schooling (elementary, high school, college) or how on your own you are throughout school, there is always, always, always a difference between being in school and not being in school anymore. School is a place we all know by heart. We are all experts on The System. We can hold that system in our hands and mold it like clay to fit our needs. It's a system we've run around in, tripped over, and learned to balance just right. We know where all the lines are and just how far to push them. We know where we stand when we're in school - any school.
But I don't know the system outside of school. I don't know what is expected of me, where the lines are, or if I can even push them a centimeter. School is like a maze that we can feel our way through instinctively until, suddenly, it is not a maze any longer but a series of passages - some that are well known and some that are secret only to ourselves.
The outside world, to me, does not seem like a series of passages at all. From afar, it looks like a vast, seamless ocean of...a lot going on. There are new rules, new lines. It's a totally new game. I feel like I'm being pushed into the middle of a game of capture the flag and I haven't even been told who's on what team.
But the thing is, when you don't know the rules, if you know yourself then that's at least a start. If you don't know yourself or what you're getting into, that's tricky. Then you could be completely molded by whatever choices you make. Of course, you're always going to be somewhat colored by the environment you're in, but having a strong idea of who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you approve of, what you wish to stay away from...that can help bring some direction, probably. At least - then you won't lose yourself in the vastness of possibilities that are out there. Or, it makes me feel better about it, anyway.
One last thing I'd like to write about here is facing the world with a positive attitude. I have so many friends who either always seem to be in a good mood or who don't let bad things bring them down. I admire them so much for this. Something I'm really working on is not letting things get to me, or get to me enough that it ruins my whole positive perspective on life. I really believe that if you face the world with a smile, the world will smile back. It's just something I have to learn how to do better.
Anyway, I don't mean for this post to hit anyone over the head with lessons. These are merely things that I have found valuable, but of course each person is different and each will find different kinds of inspiration and different ways to bring meaning and purpose into their lives.
And no, that was not a disclaimer. :P
One of the first things I've had to learn was not to compare myself to anyone else. Someone else's success is not my failure. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with me, even if I did not "get" whatever the other person "got." Regardless of what any other person gets or how far any other person goes in any pursuit, I can only get as far and do as well as my efforts and talents allow.
The more you look at what other people are doing in comparison to what you are doing, the more negative feelings you will conjure up towards that other person. Trust me, it's not at all worth it. Feeling those things won't change anything. All it will do is make you frustrated and annoyed at both the other person and yourself. You'll resent the other person for doing well and you'll resent yourself for not performing to your potential and for feeling resentful towards your friend.
Yeah, it's frustrating not to get as good a grade as you want, especially if a friend does better than you in school. It's disappointing, and even somewhat depressing, to wish to get chosen for something and get passed over in favor of your friend. Such things bring competition into places where there should be none. But when such things happen, instead of looking at yourself and feeling resentful about all you're lacking, it's good to realize that you do have talents and that you have a lot more to go in order to reach your potential.
On that note, you always have the chance to grow more in your talents and stretch out your hand farther towards your potential. A grade is not a brand marking you forever as the limit of your abilities. There is always room and opportunity to strive for higher accomplishments. So you don't succeed today. That's okay. There's always tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. Or even the next decade. Today might be someone else's moment, but one day it will be yours, too.
Something else I learned is to stand behind my own words. After all, if I don't stand by myself, who will? If I don't feel confident in what I'm saying, why should anyone take me seriously? Or believe in my ability to get anywhere or accomplish anything? If I write disclaimers before all my stories, it means I don't believe in my own writing! Am I going to be afraid of showing myself to the world forever? Or am I going to stand up and be confident that my opinions count, too, and that they're just as valid as anyone else's?
Sometimes people say things about you that aren't necessarily true or super accurate. Sometimes you even say things about yourself that aren't exactly accurate just to please or pacify someone else. But why should you? Why shouldn't you stand true to who you are?
I'm pretty intimidated about leaving the safety of school and stepping out into the "real" world. No matter what anyone says about the difference between the different stages of schooling (elementary, high school, college) or how on your own you are throughout school, there is always, always, always a difference between being in school and not being in school anymore. School is a place we all know by heart. We are all experts on The System. We can hold that system in our hands and mold it like clay to fit our needs. It's a system we've run around in, tripped over, and learned to balance just right. We know where all the lines are and just how far to push them. We know where we stand when we're in school - any school.
But I don't know the system outside of school. I don't know what is expected of me, where the lines are, or if I can even push them a centimeter. School is like a maze that we can feel our way through instinctively until, suddenly, it is not a maze any longer but a series of passages - some that are well known and some that are secret only to ourselves.
The outside world, to me, does not seem like a series of passages at all. From afar, it looks like a vast, seamless ocean of...a lot going on. There are new rules, new lines. It's a totally new game. I feel like I'm being pushed into the middle of a game of capture the flag and I haven't even been told who's on what team.
But the thing is, when you don't know the rules, if you know yourself then that's at least a start. If you don't know yourself or what you're getting into, that's tricky. Then you could be completely molded by whatever choices you make. Of course, you're always going to be somewhat colored by the environment you're in, but having a strong idea of who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you approve of, what you wish to stay away from...that can help bring some direction, probably. At least - then you won't lose yourself in the vastness of possibilities that are out there. Or, it makes me feel better about it, anyway.
One last thing I'd like to write about here is facing the world with a positive attitude. I have so many friends who either always seem to be in a good mood or who don't let bad things bring them down. I admire them so much for this. Something I'm really working on is not letting things get to me, or get to me enough that it ruins my whole positive perspective on life. I really believe that if you face the world with a smile, the world will smile back. It's just something I have to learn how to do better.
Anyway, I don't mean for this post to hit anyone over the head with lessons. These are merely things that I have found valuable, but of course each person is different and each will find different kinds of inspiration and different ways to bring meaning and purpose into their lives.
And no, that was not a disclaimer. :P
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Growing up
Every kid is supposed to want to grow up, right? You're considered a bit odd if you try to hang on to your youth for too long. But if this is so, then why is it that adults are constantly reminiscing with a sigh, "oh, to be in college again" or "enjoy being young while you still can" or "one day, you'll have to work at least eight hours a day every day with only a few vacation days plus a family and then you'll know what it's like."
Is this supposed to make me want to grow up? I'm not following. When I hear people say things like, "once you get to the working world...well, let's just say, enjoy your time at Stern while you still can," I put up a thick brick wall to all this growing up business. If I'm going to end up with an attitude like that, forget it. If life is going to cease being fun and enjoyable, then what am I gaining by moving on to "the real world?" What is so appealing about this "real world," anyway? I don't want to look back and wish I was myself at a different stage of life, I don't want to get bored with myself, I don't want to feel jaded, and I definitely don't want to stop being in control of my own life.
That is how I see life after Stern. A complete loss of control. True, I have to follow the rules of Stern now, but being a student is still living on my terms. I choose my classes, I choose what paper topics I want to write on, I choose to go to class (or, er, not to go), I choose the environment of people I want to be around, and no one is bossing me around. I don't want to go from being a relatively carefree student to suddenly having to spend my days doing whatever it is someone else tells me to do and not get any breaks and never be able to skip out and day after day after day doing the same thing over and over and over and seeing the same people again and again and again, and being cooped up inside if it's a nice day and never again experiencing that wonderful, amazing, incomparable feeling of going to school and finding out your teacher canceled class and that you actually have the whole afternoon free and you go on adventures with your friends for the rest of the day and declare it the best day ever in your mind. Will I have "best days ever" once I leave college?
True, I'm probably completely over generalizing about what my future could be, but right now, all I imagine it as is what I was doing for one of my internships this summer - sitting at a desk allllll day long and constantly worrying about if I'm allowed to stay out an extra five minutes for my lunch break because I met a friend or if I'm allowed to be sick one day or if I'm allowed to leave early one day or if I'm allowed to answer my phone and always feeling like I'm not allowed to do anything unless I'm told to do it because I'm in a job and I'm on someone else's time and I have responsibilities to people other than myself. And this bleak image of the future is not helped at all by people telling me to enjoy my time in college while I can because I'll never be able to do these things again.
If kids are supposed to want to grow up, then where are all the people saying, "Man, I just love getting up and going to work in the morning! It's the most fun I've had in years!" or "Ha! You think this is living? Just wait until you get out of college, the real world is a blast!" because I can't seem to find them.
Is this supposed to make me want to grow up? I'm not following. When I hear people say things like, "once you get to the working world...well, let's just say, enjoy your time at Stern while you still can," I put up a thick brick wall to all this growing up business. If I'm going to end up with an attitude like that, forget it. If life is going to cease being fun and enjoyable, then what am I gaining by moving on to "the real world?" What is so appealing about this "real world," anyway? I don't want to look back and wish I was myself at a different stage of life, I don't want to get bored with myself, I don't want to feel jaded, and I definitely don't want to stop being in control of my own life.
That is how I see life after Stern. A complete loss of control. True, I have to follow the rules of Stern now, but being a student is still living on my terms. I choose my classes, I choose what paper topics I want to write on, I choose to go to class (or, er, not to go), I choose the environment of people I want to be around, and no one is bossing me around. I don't want to go from being a relatively carefree student to suddenly having to spend my days doing whatever it is someone else tells me to do and not get any breaks and never be able to skip out and day after day after day doing the same thing over and over and over and seeing the same people again and again and again, and being cooped up inside if it's a nice day and never again experiencing that wonderful, amazing, incomparable feeling of going to school and finding out your teacher canceled class and that you actually have the whole afternoon free and you go on adventures with your friends for the rest of the day and declare it the best day ever in your mind. Will I have "best days ever" once I leave college?
True, I'm probably completely over generalizing about what my future could be, but right now, all I imagine it as is what I was doing for one of my internships this summer - sitting at a desk allllll day long and constantly worrying about if I'm allowed to stay out an extra five minutes for my lunch break because I met a friend or if I'm allowed to be sick one day or if I'm allowed to leave early one day or if I'm allowed to answer my phone and always feeling like I'm not allowed to do anything unless I'm told to do it because I'm in a job and I'm on someone else's time and I have responsibilities to people other than myself. And this bleak image of the future is not helped at all by people telling me to enjoy my time in college while I can because I'll never be able to do these things again.
If kids are supposed to want to grow up, then where are all the people saying, "Man, I just love getting up and going to work in the morning! It's the most fun I've had in years!" or "Ha! You think this is living? Just wait until you get out of college, the real world is a blast!" because I can't seem to find them.
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