Imagine what it would be like if you climbed to the top of Mt. Everest, looked out onto the expanse of the entire world, and shouted, "Forgive me, everyone!"
We're in the aseres yemei teshuva right now: a period when we're supposed to be thinking seriously about ourselves, our attitudes, our behavior, and our actions. We have ten entire days devoted to doing teshuva. In addition to doing teshuva before G-d, we're supposed to realize the wrongs we have done to other people and ask them for forgiveness. Really ask them, I mean. I am just wondering...do mass text messages really count? What about facebook statuses? Gchat?
There is a fear in actually asking someone for forgiveness. Doing so means facing the fact that you did something wrong. It means admitting to another person that you have wronged him/her. But what is teshuva? Is it not turning towards something wrong you did head-on, grabbing it by the ears, and cleansing yourself of it? Is it not looking at yourself and really seeing who you are? What you've done? What you haven't done? What you should have or should not have done? Admitting, "Yes, these great characteristics are me, but I have also done this wrong behavior?" It takes a certain amount of lowering of one's pride to do that. It takes strength to apologize. It takes even more strength to apologize with conviction, and to really try to improve your behavior, your attitude, or whatever it is that needs improving. And then, by the way, you can build up your pride again, for you can feel proud that you had such strength and acted on it.
It takes no thought at all to make your facebook status, "I'm mochel everyone, I hope you're mochel me!"
True - we may have hurt someone without even realizing it. But sending out a mass text message or a status on facebook is not asking for forgiveness. The sentiment is nice - and, honestly, it really is commendable to want to be able to ask everyone for forgiveness. I just don't think doing so in the form of a mass text really counts.
Of course, someone could say - how can I go over to all my friends and ask for forgiveness? That would take forever!
I don't know. I don't know what's correct or incorrect in such circumstances. I would try, for myself, to ask people who I think it is most likely I may have hurt or wronged in any way. Or who I know I for sure did. I doubt I've done anything specifically wrong to someone I haven't spoken to in a number of years, for instance.
Sending out mass texts is like walking around with a t-shirt that says, "Mochel me - I'm Jewish." Mochel you? For what? For being Jewish? For being on my friends list on facebook?
I'm sorry if this post sounds a bit harsh. I just think we all ought to consider how impersonal status updates and mass text messages are. I hope that for every mass text, there are at least a few personal forgivenesses being asked for, as well.
Besides, on the flip side, don't put yourself down so much. You probably don't need to ask all of humanity for mechila. :)
On the topic of teshuva (and to lighten the tone of this post), I read a nice, short article by R' Twersky called, "Teshuva: In Your Mouth And In Your Heart." It's a couple of years old, so it's possible a bunch of you have already read it, but it discusses how teshuva is not something completely out of our reach: that even if you think you've been immersed in sin for so long, your teshuva can still be accepted and that is not a reason not to try and do teshuva.
I believe this can extend to anything you wish to do in life. It is never too late to learn something new, to try something new...you're never too old to start something. My music professor at Stern had only just started learning to play an instrument, even though he had gone so long without knowing how (it was not a class in playing an instrument, clearly). So many great, classic writers did not start writing their magnum opus novels until they were well past middle age.
If there's something you wish to do - go for it. Who cares if you're not ten years old anymore? Or twenty? You don't have to have been a child prodigy in something in order to accomplish - or to simply enjoy yourself. And it's never too late to learn something new about yourself, too - like discovering a new talent. You'll never know if you don't try - and you only live once, you know!
I find that while I'm looking at myself and who I have been until now, I like to also look at who I can be in the future. But, of course, that is something that must be discovered, and it can only be discovered by taking chances, trying to new things, thinking about new ideas, etc.
I hope you all had an amazing chag the past two days and that you had/are still having an easy fast today!
Showing posts with label self-evaluation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-evaluation. Show all posts
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Directions
I forge my way through brambling woods, a path crunching under my footsteps. Each step leaves its own imprint, joining in the trail of footprints behind me. Ahead, there is no path, for I have not yet tread beyond where I stand right now.
To say I don't know where the path leads is a misinterpretation of how I live. In my life, my footsteps create the path, like Hansel and Gretel dropping breadcrumbs along their way. I can turn around and look at the road I have paved with each small step I venture toward the unformed future. I can see the way it weaves, sometimes making sharp turns, sometimes going rigidly straight, but never in too predictable of a pattern.
I am my own person and so I make my own choices. I alone am the craftswoman of this path. I am the artist. I decide whether to go right or left, or diagonal, or circular. I make my own wrong turns and I find new ways to reach where I wish to go.
Sometimes I watch other people and their paths, trying to learn and understand which choices have certain results, which direction is rockier, which is smooth, which is an uphill struggle, which will let me slide easily downward. (Of course, perhaps it is better to struggle upward than to slide downward.)
And sometimes my directional choices take me far away from people who once tread nearby. They also bring me closer to others. But it's strange, the way that happens. I am used to certain scenery, certain company, and then gradually - too gradually for me to notice right away - everything changes. I end up somewhere else, somewhere new, somewhere wonderful.
But what about those whose paths used to be nearer to mine? What if my path does not naturally head in their direction anymore? Do I just leave them behind? Or do I try to force my feet in directions they do not wish to walk so I may travel closer to those the rest of me wishes to be near? What if that means turning back instead of going forward? Is there a way to turn back while still advancing in my own direction?
To say I don't know where the path leads is a misinterpretation of how I live. In my life, my footsteps create the path, like Hansel and Gretel dropping breadcrumbs along their way. I can turn around and look at the road I have paved with each small step I venture toward the unformed future. I can see the way it weaves, sometimes making sharp turns, sometimes going rigidly straight, but never in too predictable of a pattern.
I am my own person and so I make my own choices. I alone am the craftswoman of this path. I am the artist. I decide whether to go right or left, or diagonal, or circular. I make my own wrong turns and I find new ways to reach where I wish to go.
Sometimes I watch other people and their paths, trying to learn and understand which choices have certain results, which direction is rockier, which is smooth, which is an uphill struggle, which will let me slide easily downward. (Of course, perhaps it is better to struggle upward than to slide downward.)
And sometimes my directional choices take me far away from people who once tread nearby. They also bring me closer to others. But it's strange, the way that happens. I am used to certain scenery, certain company, and then gradually - too gradually for me to notice right away - everything changes. I end up somewhere else, somewhere new, somewhere wonderful.
But what about those whose paths used to be nearer to mine? What if my path does not naturally head in their direction anymore? Do I just leave them behind? Or do I try to force my feet in directions they do not wish to walk so I may travel closer to those the rest of me wishes to be near? What if that means turning back instead of going forward? Is there a way to turn back while still advancing in my own direction?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I Am Me
One of the worst feelings is to be dissatisfied with yourself because of an opinion someone else professed about you. Opinions are always buzzing around. You may not even realize it, but every intonation of your voice when speaking about something, every little micro-expression that someone picks up gives off an opinion. Sometimes you may not even be thinking anything near what the person is picking up, but a person is constantly forming conclusions based on what is happening around her.
It can drive a person crazy to always be noticing negative points of view in regards to herself. And many times, those negative opinions exist only in the person's head. For instance, someone might not comment on a post and the writer might then worry that it means the person didn't like the post, or thought the post was stupid. (This is just an example, of course :P). Another example: someone might express displeasure with herself and the listener might not know what to respond. The lack of response does not mean the listener agrees with the worrier's worry, but the worrier might take it as affirmation of what she is worried about.
So many times, people worry about what other people think of them to the point where they assume people think the worst. But the truth is, the person's opinion you should care about more than anyone else's in the world is your own. If there was a totem pole of opinions, yours should be at the top.
That is why I decided to share one of my philosophies of life. It's not an especially novel philosophy, but it's one I find people need reminding of anyway. It's called the "I'm not letting other people define who I am" philosophy. With it comes an understanding that you are who you are, not who other people say that you are. No one has any right to make you feel like someone who you're not.
There are two quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love:
1. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
2. Friendship with one's self is all-important, for without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
About a year ago, I wrote a post on SerandEz about choice that I still love. Everyone has different abilities and, more importantly, different goals and paths in life. What works for one person may not work for another. Each human being approaches every situation a little bit differently. If we didn't have such different points of view, our world would not be able to run. So how can we judge others against ourselves? And on the flip side, how can you judge yourself against others? There is no single frame of reference with which to judge everyone by. You can only judge yourself against yourself, and you shouldn't really be judging others at all.
I don't know who said it, but there's a quote out there that goes:
"Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind, but in the end the race is only with yourself."
There's no reason to let other people make you feel badly about yourself, just like it's foolish to let others praise you into thinking you're better than you actually are. Self-knowledge is the most important kind of wisdom there is, for once you know yourself, you have the groundwork with which to face everyone else.
One of the most important things anyone has said to me are two simple sentences:
"Be yourself" and "Have fun."
Hand in hand, what better approach is there to life? Know yourself and be that person. And never forget to have fun, for I don't believe we were put on this earth to feel miserable. I know the only times I feel miserable about myself are when I let other people influence how I feel about myself.
So have a good night and I hope you all wake up tomorrow ready to be who you really are. And have fun doing it. :)
It can drive a person crazy to always be noticing negative points of view in regards to herself. And many times, those negative opinions exist only in the person's head. For instance, someone might not comment on a post and the writer might then worry that it means the person didn't like the post, or thought the post was stupid. (This is just an example, of course :P). Another example: someone might express displeasure with herself and the listener might not know what to respond. The lack of response does not mean the listener agrees with the worrier's worry, but the worrier might take it as affirmation of what she is worried about.
So many times, people worry about what other people think of them to the point where they assume people think the worst. But the truth is, the person's opinion you should care about more than anyone else's in the world is your own. If there was a totem pole of opinions, yours should be at the top.
That is why I decided to share one of my philosophies of life. It's not an especially novel philosophy, but it's one I find people need reminding of anyway. It's called the "I'm not letting other people define who I am" philosophy. With it comes an understanding that you are who you are, not who other people say that you are. No one has any right to make you feel like someone who you're not.
There are two quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love:
1. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
2. Friendship with one's self is all-important, for without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
About a year ago, I wrote a post on SerandEz about choice that I still love. Everyone has different abilities and, more importantly, different goals and paths in life. What works for one person may not work for another. Each human being approaches every situation a little bit differently. If we didn't have such different points of view, our world would not be able to run. So how can we judge others against ourselves? And on the flip side, how can you judge yourself against others? There is no single frame of reference with which to judge everyone by. You can only judge yourself against yourself, and you shouldn't really be judging others at all.
I don't know who said it, but there's a quote out there that goes:
"Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind, but in the end the race is only with yourself."
There's no reason to let other people make you feel badly about yourself, just like it's foolish to let others praise you into thinking you're better than you actually are. Self-knowledge is the most important kind of wisdom there is, for once you know yourself, you have the groundwork with which to face everyone else.
One of the most important things anyone has said to me are two simple sentences:
"Be yourself" and "Have fun."
Hand in hand, what better approach is there to life? Know yourself and be that person. And never forget to have fun, for I don't believe we were put on this earth to feel miserable. I know the only times I feel miserable about myself are when I let other people influence how I feel about myself.
So have a good night and I hope you all wake up tomorrow ready to be who you really are. And have fun doing it. :)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Reflections Of An English Major
Some coast through college as though it is just a current tugging them along to graduation and then spitting them out into the "real world."
Others endure college because it is a practical guide for skills they can later use to make money, but they are not interested in wasting their time with studying anything impractical in that venue.
But there are also some who really use college as a time for personal growth. While this is not mutually exclusive from the first two categories, I do believe it deserves its own category anyway.
Someone who takes her English major seriously cannot possibly escape college without reaching a sort of self-knowledge she did not have before. Part of studying literature is studying yourself. A true English major gains an awareness of what she is doing. There is a certain kind of carefulness with which she learns to approach texts and, as an extension of that, the rest of the world.
Not all books are literature. The thing is, many people separate "popular fiction" with "high art literature." But literature is not synonymous with "high art." The way I like to understand it, though this is not my own idea, what makes something literature is its ability to be both good writing and exist on the same plane as its reader. There is not the book that is somehow on a pedestal higher than the reader, but rather the reader is able to take the book and see herself in its writing. That should not be confused with seeing herself in the characters. A real piece of literature is one that lasts through time and exists as its own entity, not dependent on a time period or a piece of background knowledge. You don't have to know anything about the author, about the time period, about the subject matter other than what is written in the book. It is writing that can speak to readers a hundred years ago, today, and a hundred years from now.
As my teacher put it: "It becomes literature the moment you enter the picture."
About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post about calling myself a writer. The crux of the post is that I find it somewhat absurd to go around calling myself a writer when I don't have any spectacular piece of writing to prove I deserve such an identity:
But is the identity of "writer" really reserved for those who churn out bestsellers every year? Or is there some other way to be a writer? Is that kind of activity really writing?
I think that true writing requires a kind of consciousness of what you are doing, regardless of whether you get anything published or not. It's not like once you publish something, you are hereafter known as a writer. You can publish twenty books a year and not be truly writing. Or you can publish nothing but spend your energy really concentrating on what you are writing, how you write, and the fact that you are writing at all. Thinking about whether or not you are a true writer is indicative of a certain kind of attention that all true writers require.
After spending so much time and effort on doing this kind of work - four years of it, in fact - it's weird to feel like you are now walking away. Moving on. Enriched, perhaps, but somehow...leaving something behind. I don't even know what it is that I'm leaving behind, but it definitely feels like something.
It's weird to feel like I could have put so much more effort into my major, that I could have grown even more, that I could have achieved so much more. There's so much I was exposed to that I didn't properly soak in. And I know, you're not supposed to live in the past. You have to move forward. And I know you don't stop learning once you leave college.
But that doesn't mean it's hard to feel like I'm graduating a major that I did not take full advantage of.
The world may say that an English major is impractical. It may insist that English majors are wasting their time, ruining the economy, getting a BA in the Useless Members of Society club, and not gaining any real skills that matter outside of book clubs.
All that may be as true or not true as you decide.
But English majors also spend their time gaining an understanding of themselves and of other people. And the more they understand and work on themselves, the more they can understand and have an effect on the world.
I believe there's a R' Salanter quote about that. :)
That is the gift four years of studying literature and writing brings. So, no matter how useless my skills might be upon leaving college, I will never regret having been an English major. No other concentration could have given me a richer education.
It's just odd to think that the struggle in this environment is now over, yet I am not finished growing. I have a better understanding of what makes good writing, but can I do it? Can I take on the mantle of being my own teacher? Or will I slip into the routine of "real life" the way most people do and wake up thirty years from now wondering when I'll have time to start reading, thinking, and writing again the way I did back in my good ol' college days? How do I know I have the strength and determination to take control of my life instead of letting life's pressures and expectations take control of me?
Others endure college because it is a practical guide for skills they can later use to make money, but they are not interested in wasting their time with studying anything impractical in that venue.
But there are also some who really use college as a time for personal growth. While this is not mutually exclusive from the first two categories, I do believe it deserves its own category anyway.
Someone who takes her English major seriously cannot possibly escape college without reaching a sort of self-knowledge she did not have before. Part of studying literature is studying yourself. A true English major gains an awareness of what she is doing. There is a certain kind of carefulness with which she learns to approach texts and, as an extension of that, the rest of the world.
Not all books are literature. The thing is, many people separate "popular fiction" with "high art literature." But literature is not synonymous with "high art." The way I like to understand it, though this is not my own idea, what makes something literature is its ability to be both good writing and exist on the same plane as its reader. There is not the book that is somehow on a pedestal higher than the reader, but rather the reader is able to take the book and see herself in its writing. That should not be confused with seeing herself in the characters. A real piece of literature is one that lasts through time and exists as its own entity, not dependent on a time period or a piece of background knowledge. You don't have to know anything about the author, about the time period, about the subject matter other than what is written in the book. It is writing that can speak to readers a hundred years ago, today, and a hundred years from now.
As my teacher put it: "It becomes literature the moment you enter the picture."
About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post about calling myself a writer. The crux of the post is that I find it somewhat absurd to go around calling myself a writer when I don't have any spectacular piece of writing to prove I deserve such an identity:
...by speaking the words I am a writer, I am effectively giving myself the title of, well, Writer, and I guess I just feel rather pretentious doing so. Because I'm not really a writer. I have nothing to show for being a writer. Its more like I fancy myself a writer.
But is the identity of "writer" really reserved for those who churn out bestsellers every year? Or is there some other way to be a writer? Is that kind of activity really writing?
I think that true writing requires a kind of consciousness of what you are doing, regardless of whether you get anything published or not. It's not like once you publish something, you are hereafter known as a writer. You can publish twenty books a year and not be truly writing. Or you can publish nothing but spend your energy really concentrating on what you are writing, how you write, and the fact that you are writing at all. Thinking about whether or not you are a true writer is indicative of a certain kind of attention that all true writers require.
After spending so much time and effort on doing this kind of work - four years of it, in fact - it's weird to feel like you are now walking away. Moving on. Enriched, perhaps, but somehow...leaving something behind. I don't even know what it is that I'm leaving behind, but it definitely feels like something.
It's weird to feel like I could have put so much more effort into my major, that I could have grown even more, that I could have achieved so much more. There's so much I was exposed to that I didn't properly soak in. And I know, you're not supposed to live in the past. You have to move forward. And I know you don't stop learning once you leave college.
But that doesn't mean it's hard to feel like I'm graduating a major that I did not take full advantage of.
The world may say that an English major is impractical. It may insist that English majors are wasting their time, ruining the economy, getting a BA in the Useless Members of Society club, and not gaining any real skills that matter outside of book clubs.
All that may be as true or not true as you decide.
But English majors also spend their time gaining an understanding of themselves and of other people. And the more they understand and work on themselves, the more they can understand and have an effect on the world.
I believe there's a R' Salanter quote about that. :)
That is the gift four years of studying literature and writing brings. So, no matter how useless my skills might be upon leaving college, I will never regret having been an English major. No other concentration could have given me a richer education.
It's just odd to think that the struggle in this environment is now over, yet I am not finished growing. I have a better understanding of what makes good writing, but can I do it? Can I take on the mantle of being my own teacher? Or will I slip into the routine of "real life" the way most people do and wake up thirty years from now wondering when I'll have time to start reading, thinking, and writing again the way I did back in my good ol' college days? How do I know I have the strength and determination to take control of my life instead of letting life's pressures and expectations take control of me?
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thoughts and Things I've Learned
More than any other schooling experience, my time at Stern has been a real journey. Through the teachers, the classes, and friends both in and out of school, I have been molded, and perhaps molded myself, into a richer, more mature, more self-assured person.
One of the first things I've had to learn was not to compare myself to anyone else. Someone else's success is not my failure. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with me, even if I did not "get" whatever the other person "got." Regardless of what any other person gets or how far any other person goes in any pursuit, I can only get as far and do as well as my efforts and talents allow.
The more you look at what other people are doing in comparison to what you are doing, the more negative feelings you will conjure up towards that other person. Trust me, it's not at all worth it. Feeling those things won't change anything. All it will do is make you frustrated and annoyed at both the other person and yourself. You'll resent the other person for doing well and you'll resent yourself for not performing to your potential and for feeling resentful towards your friend.
Yeah, it's frustrating not to get as good a grade as you want, especially if a friend does better than you in school. It's disappointing, and even somewhat depressing, to wish to get chosen for something and get passed over in favor of your friend. Such things bring competition into places where there should be none. But when such things happen, instead of looking at yourself and feeling resentful about all you're lacking, it's good to realize that you do have talents and that you have a lot more to go in order to reach your potential.
On that note, you always have the chance to grow more in your talents and stretch out your hand farther towards your potential. A grade is not a brand marking you forever as the limit of your abilities. There is always room and opportunity to strive for higher accomplishments. So you don't succeed today. That's okay. There's always tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. Or even the next decade. Today might be someone else's moment, but one day it will be yours, too.
Something else I learned is to stand behind my own words. After all, if I don't stand by myself, who will? If I don't feel confident in what I'm saying, why should anyone take me seriously? Or believe in my ability to get anywhere or accomplish anything? If I write disclaimers before all my stories, it means I don't believe in my own writing! Am I going to be afraid of showing myself to the world forever? Or am I going to stand up and be confident that my opinions count, too, and that they're just as valid as anyone else's?
Sometimes people say things about you that aren't necessarily true or super accurate. Sometimes you even say things about yourself that aren't exactly accurate just to please or pacify someone else. But why should you? Why shouldn't you stand true to who you are?
I'm pretty intimidated about leaving the safety of school and stepping out into the "real" world. No matter what anyone says about the difference between the different stages of schooling (elementary, high school, college) or how on your own you are throughout school, there is always, always, always a difference between being in school and not being in school anymore. School is a place we all know by heart. We are all experts on The System. We can hold that system in our hands and mold it like clay to fit our needs. It's a system we've run around in, tripped over, and learned to balance just right. We know where all the lines are and just how far to push them. We know where we stand when we're in school - any school.
But I don't know the system outside of school. I don't know what is expected of me, where the lines are, or if I can even push them a centimeter. School is like a maze that we can feel our way through instinctively until, suddenly, it is not a maze any longer but a series of passages - some that are well known and some that are secret only to ourselves.
The outside world, to me, does not seem like a series of passages at all. From afar, it looks like a vast, seamless ocean of...a lot going on. There are new rules, new lines. It's a totally new game. I feel like I'm being pushed into the middle of a game of capture the flag and I haven't even been told who's on what team.
But the thing is, when you don't know the rules, if you know yourself then that's at least a start. If you don't know yourself or what you're getting into, that's tricky. Then you could be completely molded by whatever choices you make. Of course, you're always going to be somewhat colored by the environment you're in, but having a strong idea of who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you approve of, what you wish to stay away from...that can help bring some direction, probably. At least - then you won't lose yourself in the vastness of possibilities that are out there. Or, it makes me feel better about it, anyway.
One last thing I'd like to write about here is facing the world with a positive attitude. I have so many friends who either always seem to be in a good mood or who don't let bad things bring them down. I admire them so much for this. Something I'm really working on is not letting things get to me, or get to me enough that it ruins my whole positive perspective on life. I really believe that if you face the world with a smile, the world will smile back. It's just something I have to learn how to do better.
Anyway, I don't mean for this post to hit anyone over the head with lessons. These are merely things that I have found valuable, but of course each person is different and each will find different kinds of inspiration and different ways to bring meaning and purpose into their lives.
And no, that was not a disclaimer. :P
One of the first things I've had to learn was not to compare myself to anyone else. Someone else's success is not my failure. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with me, even if I did not "get" whatever the other person "got." Regardless of what any other person gets or how far any other person goes in any pursuit, I can only get as far and do as well as my efforts and talents allow.
The more you look at what other people are doing in comparison to what you are doing, the more negative feelings you will conjure up towards that other person. Trust me, it's not at all worth it. Feeling those things won't change anything. All it will do is make you frustrated and annoyed at both the other person and yourself. You'll resent the other person for doing well and you'll resent yourself for not performing to your potential and for feeling resentful towards your friend.
Yeah, it's frustrating not to get as good a grade as you want, especially if a friend does better than you in school. It's disappointing, and even somewhat depressing, to wish to get chosen for something and get passed over in favor of your friend. Such things bring competition into places where there should be none. But when such things happen, instead of looking at yourself and feeling resentful about all you're lacking, it's good to realize that you do have talents and that you have a lot more to go in order to reach your potential.
On that note, you always have the chance to grow more in your talents and stretch out your hand farther towards your potential. A grade is not a brand marking you forever as the limit of your abilities. There is always room and opportunity to strive for higher accomplishments. So you don't succeed today. That's okay. There's always tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. Or even the next decade. Today might be someone else's moment, but one day it will be yours, too.
Something else I learned is to stand behind my own words. After all, if I don't stand by myself, who will? If I don't feel confident in what I'm saying, why should anyone take me seriously? Or believe in my ability to get anywhere or accomplish anything? If I write disclaimers before all my stories, it means I don't believe in my own writing! Am I going to be afraid of showing myself to the world forever? Or am I going to stand up and be confident that my opinions count, too, and that they're just as valid as anyone else's?
Sometimes people say things about you that aren't necessarily true or super accurate. Sometimes you even say things about yourself that aren't exactly accurate just to please or pacify someone else. But why should you? Why shouldn't you stand true to who you are?
I'm pretty intimidated about leaving the safety of school and stepping out into the "real" world. No matter what anyone says about the difference between the different stages of schooling (elementary, high school, college) or how on your own you are throughout school, there is always, always, always a difference between being in school and not being in school anymore. School is a place we all know by heart. We are all experts on The System. We can hold that system in our hands and mold it like clay to fit our needs. It's a system we've run around in, tripped over, and learned to balance just right. We know where all the lines are and just how far to push them. We know where we stand when we're in school - any school.
But I don't know the system outside of school. I don't know what is expected of me, where the lines are, or if I can even push them a centimeter. School is like a maze that we can feel our way through instinctively until, suddenly, it is not a maze any longer but a series of passages - some that are well known and some that are secret only to ourselves.
The outside world, to me, does not seem like a series of passages at all. From afar, it looks like a vast, seamless ocean of...a lot going on. There are new rules, new lines. It's a totally new game. I feel like I'm being pushed into the middle of a game of capture the flag and I haven't even been told who's on what team.
But the thing is, when you don't know the rules, if you know yourself then that's at least a start. If you don't know yourself or what you're getting into, that's tricky. Then you could be completely molded by whatever choices you make. Of course, you're always going to be somewhat colored by the environment you're in, but having a strong idea of who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you approve of, what you wish to stay away from...that can help bring some direction, probably. At least - then you won't lose yourself in the vastness of possibilities that are out there. Or, it makes me feel better about it, anyway.
One last thing I'd like to write about here is facing the world with a positive attitude. I have so many friends who either always seem to be in a good mood or who don't let bad things bring them down. I admire them so much for this. Something I'm really working on is not letting things get to me, or get to me enough that it ruins my whole positive perspective on life. I really believe that if you face the world with a smile, the world will smile back. It's just something I have to learn how to do better.
Anyway, I don't mean for this post to hit anyone over the head with lessons. These are merely things that I have found valuable, but of course each person is different and each will find different kinds of inspiration and different ways to bring meaning and purpose into their lives.
And no, that was not a disclaimer. :P
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I Forgive Me
Although, truthfully, I haven't heard it at all this year (yet), generally when it gets close to Rosh Hashana, hallways, sidewalks, gchats, facebook messages, cell phones all ring with the token phrase: "are you mochel me?"
There are so many times throughout the year that we wrong each other, both intentionally and unintentionally. It's actually quite comforting to know there's a designated time each year for both forgiving and for getting forgiven. Getting forgiven, not just by God, but by our friends and family, as well.
But there's another important person to remember to forgive. Yourself. How many times do we think lowly of ourselves or don't give ourselves enough credit? How many times do we do something to our own detriment? How many times do we pass up opportunities or fail to rise to our potential? How many times do we not trust ourselves? And how many times do we feel frustrated about all of these things, which only makes us feel even worse?
Yet how many times do we actually give ourselves a break? How many times do we accept our faults and struggles and difficulties from the year not as things which make us bad but just as things we, as good people, have to work through? How many times do we actually forgive ourselves?
I think it's about time we did.
There are so many times throughout the year that we wrong each other, both intentionally and unintentionally. It's actually quite comforting to know there's a designated time each year for both forgiving and for getting forgiven. Getting forgiven, not just by God, but by our friends and family, as well.
But there's another important person to remember to forgive. Yourself. How many times do we think lowly of ourselves or don't give ourselves enough credit? How many times do we do something to our own detriment? How many times do we pass up opportunities or fail to rise to our potential? How many times do we not trust ourselves? And how many times do we feel frustrated about all of these things, which only makes us feel even worse?
Yet how many times do we actually give ourselves a break? How many times do we accept our faults and struggles and difficulties from the year not as things which make us bad but just as things we, as good people, have to work through? How many times do we actually forgive ourselves?
I think it's about time we did.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Reflection
Self-reflection is always a good thing to do once in a while. Sometimes things are very confusing, though. Anyway, I like this song.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Helplessly Shy
Being shy is one of the most frustrating experiences. You want to speak to people, you really, truly do - but you just can't. In your head, you're imagining the way a conversation could go, but you can't actually bring yourself to open your mouth and speak. Words won't come out. And if someone looks at you or directs a question at you, you automatically look to one of your friends for help. And you draw a complete blank inside - it's like someone took an eraser and completely wiped your mind clean. You try to grasp at something - anything - to say. And it's not that you feel you have to say something of the utmost importance in order to speak. You're not that pretentious. It's just that you don't like competing with a group to be heard. It's awkward to start speaking and then be interrupted by someone louder.
Being interrupted is not the end of the world, but for someone who uses a lot of effort just to speak up in the first place, it's like being shoved back down. Sometimes it's like no one really listens, anyway.
And in some ways, isn't that true? How often do people really listen to each other? It always seems like everyone is just waiting to say their own piece. I mean, I'm not perfect, I'm guilty of that, as well. But it's all the more discouraging to speak up when you know no one's really interested in what you have to say.
Speaking one on one with someone is different. Unless you let the other person just go off on their own monologue, you have no choice but to speak - and chances are the other person would rather a dialogue than a monologue anyway. But once you get to groups of people, it's way too easy to just hide behind everyone else. You can rely on other people to keep the conversation going and you really don't have to contribute at all. Except that's awful. You want to contribute - otherwise, what's the point in you even being there? And you want so badly to be noticed, but you think way too hard about speaking up and then the moment for speaking slips away.
So is the key to being outgoing not to think?
I hate being shy, I hate being quiet, because really - I'm not that quiet. Ask people who've been with me at times when I'm just being myself. I know how to talk, I know how to be silly, I know how to be myself. I'm smart, I have opinions, and I've spoken my mind before. It's just that it's so hard for that side of me to come out sometimes.
I wish I knew the trick to getting over this. I detest being so painfully shy. No one will ever know me or think twice about me. It's like I'm digging my own way into a life of invisibility. I want to get out. I just don't know how.
Being interrupted is not the end of the world, but for someone who uses a lot of effort just to speak up in the first place, it's like being shoved back down. Sometimes it's like no one really listens, anyway.
And in some ways, isn't that true? How often do people really listen to each other? It always seems like everyone is just waiting to say their own piece. I mean, I'm not perfect, I'm guilty of that, as well. But it's all the more discouraging to speak up when you know no one's really interested in what you have to say.
Speaking one on one with someone is different. Unless you let the other person just go off on their own monologue, you have no choice but to speak - and chances are the other person would rather a dialogue than a monologue anyway. But once you get to groups of people, it's way too easy to just hide behind everyone else. You can rely on other people to keep the conversation going and you really don't have to contribute at all. Except that's awful. You want to contribute - otherwise, what's the point in you even being there? And you want so badly to be noticed, but you think way too hard about speaking up and then the moment for speaking slips away.
So is the key to being outgoing not to think?
I hate being shy, I hate being quiet, because really - I'm not that quiet. Ask people who've been with me at times when I'm just being myself. I know how to talk, I know how to be silly, I know how to be myself. I'm smart, I have opinions, and I've spoken my mind before. It's just that it's so hard for that side of me to come out sometimes.
I wish I knew the trick to getting over this. I detest being so painfully shy. No one will ever know me or think twice about me. It's like I'm digging my own way into a life of invisibility. I want to get out. I just don't know how.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Everywhere and Nowhere
Is it possible for a person to be both everywhere and nowhere at the same time? In a conversation where hashkafa came up, I found it very difficult to say where I stood on anything. I was raised in a Modern Orthodox home, but I understand a lot of more right-wing ideas. I am not Yeshivish, but at the same time, I'm more right-wing than I used to be. So where am I? Of course, it's impossible to put anyone into a box, but even on certain issues which require an opinion, I find it hard to give one.
What do I think about a co-ed environment? Well, I don't know. I understand that it's hard for a co-ed relationship to stay platonic and I totally understand why people would say they don't believe in co-ed, but I also understand the viewpoint that it's somewhat unnatural for guys and girls not to interact at all outside of the dating world. I mean, even blogging is co-ed and I'm alright with that, so does that mean I'm alright with co-ed?
Do I watch TV? I don't know. I hardly ever do but that's more because I'm just uninterested/think TV is a huge waste of time. Do I think there is something religiously wrong about watching TV? I...don't know? I don't think so, but would I care if I grew to believe there was? Maybe not? Maybe?
Do I believe in the Shidduch system? No? Yes? Somewhat? Somewhat not?
I can provide valid reasoning for all sides of these and other issues and because of that, it's hard for me to choose one of these sides. I can find myself agreeing with everyone! Sure, there are certain issues I am passionately opinionated about (like shomer negiah, for example), but a lot of them...I'm still struggling to form my opinion. But how can I ever know which is the right way to go? So many of my beliefs are not real beliefs but are more influences based on who I'm around. I know I've been feeling a subtle shift to the right once I started Stern, especially once I became very close with girls who are more right-wing than I am (I think?). The problem is, I don't know where I am anymore. I'm everywhere, I'm nowhere, I'm floating around in some other plane of existence where I'm somehow outside of everyone else and looking in and observing and agreeing with more than one way of life and not finding anywhere where I belong.
What do I think about a co-ed environment? Well, I don't know. I understand that it's hard for a co-ed relationship to stay platonic and I totally understand why people would say they don't believe in co-ed, but I also understand the viewpoint that it's somewhat unnatural for guys and girls not to interact at all outside of the dating world. I mean, even blogging is co-ed and I'm alright with that, so does that mean I'm alright with co-ed?
Do I watch TV? I don't know. I hardly ever do but that's more because I'm just uninterested/think TV is a huge waste of time. Do I think there is something religiously wrong about watching TV? I...don't know? I don't think so, but would I care if I grew to believe there was? Maybe not? Maybe?
Do I believe in the Shidduch system? No? Yes? Somewhat? Somewhat not?
I can provide valid reasoning for all sides of these and other issues and because of that, it's hard for me to choose one of these sides. I can find myself agreeing with everyone! Sure, there are certain issues I am passionately opinionated about (like shomer negiah, for example), but a lot of them...I'm still struggling to form my opinion. But how can I ever know which is the right way to go? So many of my beliefs are not real beliefs but are more influences based on who I'm around. I know I've been feeling a subtle shift to the right once I started Stern, especially once I became very close with girls who are more right-wing than I am (I think?). The problem is, I don't know where I am anymore. I'm everywhere, I'm nowhere, I'm floating around in some other plane of existence where I'm somehow outside of everyone else and looking in and observing and agreeing with more than one way of life and not finding anywhere where I belong.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Perfection
In a discussion about controlling emotions, the topic of gedolim came up. The issue was precisely, I felt that it was unnatural to be so in control of your emotions that you could turn them on and off as necessary. Isn't the natural reaction of raw emotion the truest one's emotions could ever be? The more you control them, the more affected they are, right? But then it was explained to me - no. If you truly understand the emotion, you'll be able to assume it without it being affected at all but rather having it be that emotion in its truest form, as if you naturally experienced it. But still, intellectually knowing that a certain emotion is supposed to be felt at a certain time and then putting yourself in the mindset to have that emotion, even if you understand it - isn't that still false? Because that emotion is not your natural instinct! Except I know that you can make the argument, "but if you are on such a level that you truly understand your emotions, it will be natural instinct." I recognize this argument, but I am having trouble internalizing it. Something about it still feels unnatural.
Then someone commented that there are gedolim who have practiced in this manner with their emotions. So I responded, "But just because a gadol can do it doesn't mean I can." This comment was met with, "Don't put gedolim on such a pedestal that you feel you can never reach their level. Who says you can't?"
And then it struck me. It struck me so forcefully that I actually blurted it out: "But what if I don't want to?"
What? Not want to be on the level of the gedolim? Not want to go beyond that level - not want to strive for perfection? I was asked, why would I not want to be the most perfect that I could be?
I thought about it and realized something odd. I enjoy being imperfect. I like my imperfections. They're what make me human. They're what give me the ability to form opinions and learn and grow and be faced with difficult choices and...and even be wrong. Can you imagine - I like being wrong? Not all the time, of course, but it's part of learning. I love learning. I love growing and maturing and recognizing new things about myself and the world every single day. I love the surprises that an imperfect existence brings. And the closer one gets to perfection, the less room there is for growth - isn't there?
But then I thought of something else. What if the real reason I like being imperfect is because I don't know anything different? What if my imperfections are the very things which are keeping me from striving for perfection? What if I'm simply comfortable with being imperfect and am therefore not particularly enticed by a world of utter perfection? Obviously, human beings can never achieve complete perfection, but even the level of gedolim is not something particularly appealing to me. I like that there are gedolim, of course, but I would never strive to be at their level.
This comes from the same reasoning behind why, as a little kid, I used to not want Mashiach to come. Oh, sure, part of me did, but most of me was happy with my life and didn't want to change it. Is all this just anxiety about change, even change for the better? Is it a self-destructive attitude? And how much should gedolim be revered, anyhow? Obviously they are gedolim for a reason, and even though there are others who can reach that potential, not everyone can. If everyone could be a leader, we'd have a community of all leaders and no followers. Wouldn't that just be anarchy?
I apologize if this post was a bit confusing. My thoughts can get that way sometimes.
Then someone commented that there are gedolim who have practiced in this manner with their emotions. So I responded, "But just because a gadol can do it doesn't mean I can." This comment was met with, "Don't put gedolim on such a pedestal that you feel you can never reach their level. Who says you can't?"
And then it struck me. It struck me so forcefully that I actually blurted it out: "But what if I don't want to?"
What? Not want to be on the level of the gedolim? Not want to go beyond that level - not want to strive for perfection? I was asked, why would I not want to be the most perfect that I could be?
I thought about it and realized something odd. I enjoy being imperfect. I like my imperfections. They're what make me human. They're what give me the ability to form opinions and learn and grow and be faced with difficult choices and...and even be wrong. Can you imagine - I like being wrong? Not all the time, of course, but it's part of learning. I love learning. I love growing and maturing and recognizing new things about myself and the world every single day. I love the surprises that an imperfect existence brings. And the closer one gets to perfection, the less room there is for growth - isn't there?
But then I thought of something else. What if the real reason I like being imperfect is because I don't know anything different? What if my imperfections are the very things which are keeping me from striving for perfection? What if I'm simply comfortable with being imperfect and am therefore not particularly enticed by a world of utter perfection? Obviously, human beings can never achieve complete perfection, but even the level of gedolim is not something particularly appealing to me. I like that there are gedolim, of course, but I would never strive to be at their level.
This comes from the same reasoning behind why, as a little kid, I used to not want Mashiach to come. Oh, sure, part of me did, but most of me was happy with my life and didn't want to change it. Is all this just anxiety about change, even change for the better? Is it a self-destructive attitude? And how much should gedolim be revered, anyhow? Obviously they are gedolim for a reason, and even though there are others who can reach that potential, not everyone can. If everyone could be a leader, we'd have a community of all leaders and no followers. Wouldn't that just be anarchy?
I apologize if this post was a bit confusing. My thoughts can get that way sometimes.
Friday, December 28, 2007
I am a writer
Last night, my theater arts class put on an evening of monologues for the Deans and for anyone else who wanted to come. The turnout was actually amazing, especially considering what we were expecting it to be. Among the audience members was one Professor Hardspeech. Her name is not actually Professor Hardspeech, but she teaches speech class and her class is supposedly extremely difficult so, therefore, she is Professor Hardspeech. I, however, had never met Professor Hardspeech before last night. I had never even seen her before. So when she showed up to the evening of monologues, I had no idea it was her. Well, okay, I had an inkling of an idea, but I didn't really know. Besides, someone's grandmother had come, as well, and I kept getting the two mixed up. So after the performance, Professor Hardspeech (though I still did not know it was her) came over to me and asked me what it was that sparked the idea for my monologue.
"Why did I decide to write my monologue about writing?" I repeated, a bit hesitant. "Er...well, we were told to write about something meaningful to us and...I'm a..."
Say it. Just say it. Say 'I am a writer.' SAY IT!
"...and I am a writer, so..."
*sheepish grin*
Why? Why the sheepish grin? Wasn't I proud of being a writer? Shouldn't it have filled me with joy to say such words? Why was I feeling out of place?
Moments later, when I learned that the woman was, indeed, Professor Hardspeech, I felt even more out of place.
But why? Why should I be embarrassed about telling people I'm a writer? It's the truth...isn't it? Why should it be so difficult for those words to come out of my mouth? I. Am. A. Writer. Three one-syllable words and one with, gasp, two syllables. So why did the words feel so foreign on my tongue?
Is it really so difficult for me to define myself? Is that what it is? I guess it might have something to do with the fact that by speaking the words I am a writer, I am effectively giving myself the title of, well, Writer, and I guess I just feel rather pretentious doing so. Because I'm not really a writer. I have nothing to show for being a writer. Its more like I fancy myself a writer. And by speaking the words out loud to another human being - and to a professor, no less - I am publicizing my very personal, inner fantasies. The secret is out. I am revealing a part of my soul.
But yet, I want to be thought of as a writer. Why does it have to be so difficult to say four simple words?
I am a writer.
Well, aren't I?
"Why did I decide to write my monologue about writing?" I repeated, a bit hesitant. "Er...well, we were told to write about something meaningful to us and...I'm a..."
Say it. Just say it. Say 'I am a writer.' SAY IT!
"...and I am a writer, so..."
*sheepish grin*
Why? Why the sheepish grin? Wasn't I proud of being a writer? Shouldn't it have filled me with joy to say such words? Why was I feeling out of place?
Moments later, when I learned that the woman was, indeed, Professor Hardspeech, I felt even more out of place.
But why? Why should I be embarrassed about telling people I'm a writer? It's the truth...isn't it? Why should it be so difficult for those words to come out of my mouth? I. Am. A. Writer. Three one-syllable words and one with, gasp, two syllables. So why did the words feel so foreign on my tongue?
Is it really so difficult for me to define myself? Is that what it is? I guess it might have something to do with the fact that by speaking the words I am a writer, I am effectively giving myself the title of, well, Writer, and I guess I just feel rather pretentious doing so. Because I'm not really a writer. I have nothing to show for being a writer. Its more like I fancy myself a writer. And by speaking the words out loud to another human being - and to a professor, no less - I am publicizing my very personal, inner fantasies. The secret is out. I am revealing a part of my soul.
But yet, I want to be thought of as a writer. Why does it have to be so difficult to say four simple words?
I am a writer.
Well, aren't I?
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Bad habit
I have a bad habit. I am super lazy.
Some people are lazy and they can get away with it. I can get away with it to an extent, but my GPA has suffered greatly because of it. I don't have a photographic memory. I can write a paper at the last minute and get an A, but unless it's an English test, I can't study for a test at the last minute and get the grade I want. But, of course, I study at the last minute anyway. Why? Well, there are zillions of reasons. Pure laziness, for one thing. Sometimes, like what happened with one of my midterms, I had a paper due the day before and stayed up until ungodly hours in the morning writing it, leaving me much too exhausted to even think about studying for a test. But my laziness has been getting increasingly worse the more time I spend away from home and away from people being on my back about getting up on time, getting places on time, doing my homework on time, etc. Even my papers, though I can get an A without trying, sometimes I don't and sometimes I make the stupidest mistakes that I never would have made if I'd given myself time to edit my paper even just once.
So if I know my laziness is hurting me, why don't I stop? You may well wonder, but it's like any bad habit. It needs to be broken and boy, is it hard to break! I am not just analyzing myself here, I'm asking for advice. If anyone knows a way to cure me of this awful habit of laziness, please, please, please let me know! I've had enough of letting it be the boss over me!
Some people are lazy and they can get away with it. I can get away with it to an extent, but my GPA has suffered greatly because of it. I don't have a photographic memory. I can write a paper at the last minute and get an A, but unless it's an English test, I can't study for a test at the last minute and get the grade I want. But, of course, I study at the last minute anyway. Why? Well, there are zillions of reasons. Pure laziness, for one thing. Sometimes, like what happened with one of my midterms, I had a paper due the day before and stayed up until ungodly hours in the morning writing it, leaving me much too exhausted to even think about studying for a test. But my laziness has been getting increasingly worse the more time I spend away from home and away from people being on my back about getting up on time, getting places on time, doing my homework on time, etc. Even my papers, though I can get an A without trying, sometimes I don't and sometimes I make the stupidest mistakes that I never would have made if I'd given myself time to edit my paper even just once.
So if I know my laziness is hurting me, why don't I stop? You may well wonder, but it's like any bad habit. It needs to be broken and boy, is it hard to break! I am not just analyzing myself here, I'm asking for advice. If anyone knows a way to cure me of this awful habit of laziness, please, please, please let me know! I've had enough of letting it be the boss over me!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Mischief Managed? Not Yet.
I would like to note this post by Chana (and I hope the html worked there because I'm on a computer at work that has the words 'crappy computer' written on it and I have to say, it does live up to its name. This internet browser doesn't even let me get to facebook, it's so old. Er, not that I've tried going on facebook while at work. Heh). It talks about a human desire to destroy, especially if you are the type of person who likes to create.
I'd like to put my own spin to it. This is something I've felt nearly all my life.
I am the good girl. I have always been the 'good girl.' When I was little, I rarely got punished in school (okay, there was that one time in Nursery when I threw a book and got sent into the corner, but that's only because the book had been thrown at me and everyone knows that when you get a book thrown at you, you hurl it quickly back), I (nearly) always did my homework, and, most of all, I was quiet. I was shy and because of that, never talked back to the teacher, or to my counselor in camp. I listened. I lined up when we were supposed to line up, I went where I was told to go, I did what I was told to do. At that point in my life, I saw no reason to talk back, no reason to contradict, unless I wanted to push the limit and see how far I could go before I got into trouble. But while I wasn't a goody two-shoes, I saw no reason for getting in trouble if I didn't have to.
The thing is, after having the reputation of 'good girl,' it starts to get tiring. I felt as though I had stopped being interesting. Being a good girl was boring.
In either seventh or eighth grade, we'd had a layl iyun in school (when just my grade stayed back after school and we learned informally and had discussions and things, I don't remember it much) and a bus took everyone from my community home. There was one girl in my grade (not on the bus with us) who was a hypochondriac (I hope I spelled that right. Spelling was never my forte). And I mean, to the point where all of us knew it and none of us liked her for it. And I'm not sure why, but on the way home, as we passed a store selling wheelchairs, crutches, ace bandages, and other medical things, I blurted out, "Hey look, it's so-and-so's store!"
I don't know what made me do it, but suddenly, I heard cheering. The girls on the bus were applauding my nasty comment. They slapped me five and beckoned me to join them in their rambunctious joking around in the back of the bus. For once, I felt included among the obnoxious girls. I was obnoxious. And...it felt good.
The next day, I went back to being the 'good girl,' but from then on, I knew I had it inside of me to be mean, to be obnoxiuos, to be daring when it came to my behavior.
A few summers later, when I was going into tenth grade, I was in sleepaway camp and I had this strong desire to raid the entire devision. Again, I was sick of being the 'good girl.' I wanted to be bad. Luckily, I had a friend in a similar situation.
Now, you have to understand, it wasn't as though I'd never raided before. Despite being a 'good girl,' I was always rather mischievous. I did not consider my summer complete if I didn't go on at least one raid a month. I had a group of friends who I'd always go with and, of course, all the fun was in managing to get to the boys' bunks in the first place - we never actually did much when we got there (we'd usually go in and wake them all up with our flashlights and then run away when shmira [people on duty to catch campers out of bed] came along) but had an awesomely fun time sneaking around camp, hiding under bunks, that sort of thing. And we had gotten caught a few times, but never sent to the main office and I, proudly, did not tell who was with me or who I was when I was asked by a shmira person once. So yes, I was an experienced raider. But what I wanted to do that summer was something different. I wanted to do something destructive.
So my friend and I woke up early the last week of camp and toilet papered the entire campus (our division had our own campus at the end of the main camp). True, it wasn't that destructive, but it was the best we could do at the last minute when we planned the whole thing. And it felt good. I had wanted to do something like steal all the benches in the chadar ochel (dining room) but my friend pointed out that it was too much work for us and too inconvenient because then we'd not have benches, either.
The points is, I know what Chana meant in her post, and still, there is a large part of me completely and utterly sick of being thought of as 'good' all the time. I want to be bad. I want to cause mischief. I want to pull pranks and make trouble and be known as a wild daredevil. It's just that my annoying conscience gets in the way too much.
*sigh*
I'd like to put my own spin to it. This is something I've felt nearly all my life.
I am the good girl. I have always been the 'good girl.' When I was little, I rarely got punished in school (okay, there was that one time in Nursery when I threw a book and got sent into the corner, but that's only because the book had been thrown at me and everyone knows that when you get a book thrown at you, you hurl it quickly back), I (nearly) always did my homework, and, most of all, I was quiet. I was shy and because of that, never talked back to the teacher, or to my counselor in camp. I listened. I lined up when we were supposed to line up, I went where I was told to go, I did what I was told to do. At that point in my life, I saw no reason to talk back, no reason to contradict, unless I wanted to push the limit and see how far I could go before I got into trouble. But while I wasn't a goody two-shoes, I saw no reason for getting in trouble if I didn't have to.
The thing is, after having the reputation of 'good girl,' it starts to get tiring. I felt as though I had stopped being interesting. Being a good girl was boring.
In either seventh or eighth grade, we'd had a layl iyun in school (when just my grade stayed back after school and we learned informally and had discussions and things, I don't remember it much) and a bus took everyone from my community home. There was one girl in my grade (not on the bus with us) who was a hypochondriac (I hope I spelled that right. Spelling was never my forte). And I mean, to the point where all of us knew it and none of us liked her for it. And I'm not sure why, but on the way home, as we passed a store selling wheelchairs, crutches, ace bandages, and other medical things, I blurted out, "Hey look, it's so-and-so's store!"
I don't know what made me do it, but suddenly, I heard cheering. The girls on the bus were applauding my nasty comment. They slapped me five and beckoned me to join them in their rambunctious joking around in the back of the bus. For once, I felt included among the obnoxious girls. I was obnoxious. And...it felt good.
The next day, I went back to being the 'good girl,' but from then on, I knew I had it inside of me to be mean, to be obnoxiuos, to be daring when it came to my behavior.
A few summers later, when I was going into tenth grade, I was in sleepaway camp and I had this strong desire to raid the entire devision. Again, I was sick of being the 'good girl.' I wanted to be bad. Luckily, I had a friend in a similar situation.
Now, you have to understand, it wasn't as though I'd never raided before. Despite being a 'good girl,' I was always rather mischievous. I did not consider my summer complete if I didn't go on at least one raid a month. I had a group of friends who I'd always go with and, of course, all the fun was in managing to get to the boys' bunks in the first place - we never actually did much when we got there (we'd usually go in and wake them all up with our flashlights and then run away when shmira [people on duty to catch campers out of bed] came along) but had an awesomely fun time sneaking around camp, hiding under bunks, that sort of thing. And we had gotten caught a few times, but never sent to the main office and I, proudly, did not tell who was with me or who I was when I was asked by a shmira person once. So yes, I was an experienced raider. But what I wanted to do that summer was something different. I wanted to do something destructive.
So my friend and I woke up early the last week of camp and toilet papered the entire campus (our division had our own campus at the end of the main camp). True, it wasn't that destructive, but it was the best we could do at the last minute when we planned the whole thing. And it felt good. I had wanted to do something like steal all the benches in the chadar ochel (dining room) but my friend pointed out that it was too much work for us and too inconvenient because then we'd not have benches, either.
The points is, I know what Chana meant in her post, and still, there is a large part of me completely and utterly sick of being thought of as 'good' all the time. I want to be bad. I want to cause mischief. I want to pull pranks and make trouble and be known as a wild daredevil. It's just that my annoying conscience gets in the way too much.
*sigh*
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Just for Fun
This post is merely to exercise all of our creativity. You can answer either the first, the second, or both of these questions:
1. If you could be any fictional character for a day - any at all - who would you be and why?
2. Which fictional character do you think you're most like?
I am also doing my very first real, live, in person interview today at my newspaper internship. Whoaness.
I hope you all have a terrific day!
1. If you could be any fictional character for a day - any at all - who would you be and why?
2. Which fictional character do you think you're most like?
I am also doing my very first real, live, in person interview today at my newspaper internship. Whoaness.
I hope you all have a terrific day!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Eavesdropper
I am an eavesdropper.
I can't help this about myself. I'm naturally curious. If two people are having a conversation nearby and I can hear every word of it, unless it's something I feel uncomfortable hearing, I don't try to tune it out. I'm interested in other people's lives. Not boring stuff, obviously. But interesting stories. And I'm especially interested in hearing about other people talk about people I know. I guess I'm more interested in that than in random people's lives. It's people I know who I love hearing about. Like, there was one time in high school when I was sitting in the library and a group of girls nearby started talking about my brother. I listened to every word.
It isn't like I go out of my way to eavesdrop. It's just that I don't go out of my way not to. I know that doesn't make it any better, but if I wanted to rationalize it, I could always point out that if they're not being careful about where they're talking or how loudly they're speaking, it isn't my fault I overheard, right?
I know, I know, that's the wrong attitude. I should be more careful, more considerate, more thoughtful. It is one of my weaknesses. I am uncomfortable speaking lashon hara, but I am not as uncomfortable hearing it. I wish I was. I wish I had better self control about these things. I don't like to gossip. I think gossip is a revolting sport. But some part of me enjoys hearing other people gossip. Or not even gossip. Just talk. I like hearing people tell stories about themselves, about other people, things like that.
I don't know what I'm trying to do here - justify it, maybe. But, well, everyone's got some part of themselves they need to work on. This is mine.
I can't help this about myself. I'm naturally curious. If two people are having a conversation nearby and I can hear every word of it, unless it's something I feel uncomfortable hearing, I don't try to tune it out. I'm interested in other people's lives. Not boring stuff, obviously. But interesting stories. And I'm especially interested in hearing about other people talk about people I know. I guess I'm more interested in that than in random people's lives. It's people I know who I love hearing about. Like, there was one time in high school when I was sitting in the library and a group of girls nearby started talking about my brother. I listened to every word.
It isn't like I go out of my way to eavesdrop. It's just that I don't go out of my way not to. I know that doesn't make it any better, but if I wanted to rationalize it, I could always point out that if they're not being careful about where they're talking or how loudly they're speaking, it isn't my fault I overheard, right?
I know, I know, that's the wrong attitude. I should be more careful, more considerate, more thoughtful. It is one of my weaknesses. I am uncomfortable speaking lashon hara, but I am not as uncomfortable hearing it. I wish I was. I wish I had better self control about these things. I don't like to gossip. I think gossip is a revolting sport. But some part of me enjoys hearing other people gossip. Or not even gossip. Just talk. I like hearing people tell stories about themselves, about other people, things like that.
I don't know what I'm trying to do here - justify it, maybe. But, well, everyone's got some part of themselves they need to work on. This is mine.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Eight Things About Me
I was tagged by Chana so I figured I might as well :P
1. I still sleep with a stuffed animal that I've had since I wasunder a year old. It's a yellow dog (though not very yellow anymore, more, uh, dirty yellow) with large, floppy brown ears and a big black nose (but soft, not hard). It's name is Yellow Doggie, more fondly known as just Doggie. Incidentally, 'Doggie' was also my first word. =D
2. I had hepatitis when I was eleven and mono last summer.
3. I once lost my glasses in the Jordan River.
4. I am a clean freak, but not a neat freak.
5. I recently realized that I'm a very black and white thinker. That's why it's sometimes so difficult for me to understand politics in real life. In books, it's so often someone bad and someone good. In real life, however, everything is much more shaded in gray.
6. Although it's completely ridiculous, a very small part of me still hopes for something adventurous and fantasy-book-like to happen to me. You know, waking up one morning and realizing I have magic powers works wonderfully. I mean, there is the small problem of magic not being allowed by the Torah, but, er, we'd work something out...
7. I get nervous the day before a fast day, almost as though every meal I eat will be my last EVER.
8. Writing is my passion.
and, oh gosh, bonus number nine because I'd like to write this one, too: I love fantasy but I have never been able to get through Lord of the Rings.
Yes! Feels so good to admit that!
And I don't think I have eight people to tag so...I'll just tag everyone! You're all tagged!
1. I still sleep with a stuffed animal that I've had since I wasunder a year old. It's a yellow dog (though not very yellow anymore, more, uh, dirty yellow) with large, floppy brown ears and a big black nose (but soft, not hard). It's name is Yellow Doggie, more fondly known as just Doggie. Incidentally, 'Doggie' was also my first word. =D
2. I had hepatitis when I was eleven and mono last summer.
3. I once lost my glasses in the Jordan River.
4. I am a clean freak, but not a neat freak.
5. I recently realized that I'm a very black and white thinker. That's why it's sometimes so difficult for me to understand politics in real life. In books, it's so often someone bad and someone good. In real life, however, everything is much more shaded in gray.
6. Although it's completely ridiculous, a very small part of me still hopes for something adventurous and fantasy-book-like to happen to me. You know, waking up one morning and realizing I have magic powers works wonderfully. I mean, there is the small problem of magic not being allowed by the Torah, but, er, we'd work something out...
7. I get nervous the day before a fast day, almost as though every meal I eat will be my last EVER.
8. Writing is my passion.
and, oh gosh, bonus number nine because I'd like to write this one, too: I love fantasy but I have never been able to get through Lord of the Rings.
Yes! Feels so good to admit that!
And I don't think I have eight people to tag so...I'll just tag everyone! You're all tagged!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
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