Pharoah the Mitzri

Reposted from 2009. A parody of Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss. Enjoy!

In the far-away country across from the Nile,

Pharaoh the Mitzri was king for a while.
A bustling land. It was rich. It was neat.
The water was warm. There was plenty to eat.
The Mitzrim had everything Mitzrim might need.
And they were all happy. Quite happy indeed.

They were… until Pharaoh, the king of this plenty,
Decided the Jews in his land were too many.
“I’m ruler,” said Pharaoh, “I stand at the helm.
But the Jews overpopulate throughout my realm.
Perhaps they'd revolt in this land by the Nile.
What if they took over? How horribly vile!
Their ill-boding strength - it just cannot go down.
They ought to be fewer!” he said with a frown.

And Pharaoh, the Mitzri King, gave a command

To all of the midwives who worked in his land

That each Jewish baby, if it was a boy,
They throw in the Nile, to kill and destroy.
He made Jewish mothers get rid of each son
But Yocheved was smart and sent hers on the run.
She made him a teva and lined it with tar.
And sent him a'floating - though not very far.

Meanwhile, Pharaoh said, "Now I am strong!
My kingdom is safe. Not a thing can go wrong!
I’m the king of Mitzrayim! And I rule the Jews!
I’m the king of the Nile! I can never lose!
I’m Pharaoh the Mitzri! Oh, marvelous me!
For when I am ruler, there's nothing that's free!”

And for some time after, he sat up there high
Saying over and over, “A great king am I!”
Until ‘long about bathtime. Then Batya went out--
His daughter, to wash and to swim all about.
And she saw, in the Nile, a baby float by.
She stretched out her hand to console him his cry.
Looking up, she said, “Moshe shall be his name.
For I've drawn him from water. Who knows whence he came?
We'll have to adopt him - he seems rather tame.”

So Moshe grew up in the home of the king
And Pharaoh knew not what bad news this would bring.

Over time Pharaoh started to fear once again
For the Jews were not lacking some big and strong men
And so he declared, to assert his position,
His vision of slavery come to fruition.
"I'll give them hard labor!” his royal voice thundered,
"And then all will know I am king times a hundred!

“Hardship! More hardship!” he bellowed and brayed.
And the Jews in Mitzrayim were very afraid.
They trembled. They shook. But they came. They obeyed.
From all over the land, they came working by dozens.
Whole families of Jews, with uncles and cousins.
They did not have much choice, were too scared to revolt.
And they got no respite, not a moment to halt.

Meanwhile Moshe had run far away

For he killed a Mitzri and so could not stay

Thus he lived in Midian and he watched over sheep

When he saw something that would make anyone leap!

A bush! And on fire! But it did not burn!

Through it, God spoke to Moshe, said, "It's Pharaoh's turn.

Go down to Egypt and take out the Jews.

And Moshe went down, though he tried to refuse.

But Pharaoh the Mitzri who sat up on high,
Did not care one wit 'bout the Jews and their sighs.
“Begone!” shouted Pharaoh. “I’m the king of the trees!
I’m king of the birds! And I’m king of the bees!
I’m king of the butterflies! King of the air!
Ah, me! Do not whine 'cause I really don't care!
I’m Pharaoh the Mitzri! Oh, marvelous me!
And I'll make your work harder - that is my decree!”

Then again, from below, on the palace room floor,
Moshe and Aharon said one thing more.
“Your Majesty, please… we don’t like to complain,
But our Jewish brethren are feeling great pain.
If you won't let them go, we'll be frank, won't be vague,
Our God will come smite you - He'll bring you a plague!"
Though Pharaoh's magicians at first said, "Yeah? Bring it!"
With just a few proofs, knew God's finger was in it.

“You hush up your mouth!” howled the mighty King Pharaoh.
“The Jews can't go free! I will give them more sorrow!
I rule from the clouds! Over land! Over sea!
There’s nothing, no, NOTHING, that’s higher than me!”

And, while he was shouting, his heart was quite hardened
It seemed that the Jews might not ever be pardoned.
Until the plague of blood and the Nile was scarred-ened.
“What’s THAT?” snorted Pharaoh. “Say, what IS that thing
That dares to be higher than Pharaoh the King?
I shall not allow it! They'll work harder still!
I’ll keep myself higher! I can and I will!
My Jewish slaves shall not ever go free!
I'll keep them forever, now please let me be!"

But, as Pharaoh, the Mitzri King, lifted his hand
And gave out his orders and barked his command,

That bustling land that was rich and was neat

Where the water was warm, where there's plenty to eat

Was smote by God's hand, nine more plagues on the way
Frogs and then lice and wild animals -- nay
They weren't enough, the Jews still had to stay.
Then the animals of the Egyptians all died

Boils, and hail, even locusts, God tried!
Then thick, heavy darkness, which was not enough still

So God killed the first born of each Mitzri until--

Pharaoh, who thought he was king of the trees,
And king of the air and the birds and the bees,

Said, "Get out, you Jews! Go on out of here, please!"
For Pharaoh, the King of the land 'cross the Nile,
Was no match for Hashem, who beat Pharaoh with style.

And today we remember how God set us free,
How He saved us from Egypt, so His we may be.
We got our first Mitzvah after that escapade
For a nation we are now, and so long we have prayed

That next year in Jerusalem our seder'll be made.

Pharaoh the Mitzri

(A parody of Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss - read the original, too!)

(Er, I think this is a rough draft. And it's kinda late. But enjoy! Have a Chag Sameach, everyone!!!)

In the far-away country across from the Nile,

Pharaoh the Mitzri was king for a while.
A bustling land. It was rich. It was neat.
The water was warm. There was plenty to eat.
The Mitzrim had everything Mitzrim might need.
And they were all happy. Quite happy indeed.

They were… until Pharaoh, the king of this plenty,
Decided the Jews in his land were too many.
“I’m ruler,” said Pharaoh, “I stand at the helm.
But the Jews overpopulate throughout my realm.
Perhaps they'd revolt in this land by the Nile.
What if they took over? How horribly vile!
Their ill-boding strength - it just cannot go down.
They ought to be fewer!” he said with a frown.

And Pharaoh, the Mitzri King, gave a command

To all of the midwives who worked in his land

That each Jewish baby, if it was a boy,
They throw in the Nile, to kill and destroy.
He made Jewish mothers get rid of each son
But Yocheved was smart and sent hers on the run.
She made him a teva and lined it with tar.
And sent him a'floating - though not very far.

Meanwhile, Pharaoh said, "Now I am strong!
My kingdom is safe. Not a thing can go wrong!
I’m the king of Mitzrayim! And I rule the Jews!
I’m the king of the Nile! I can never lose!
I’m Pharaoh the Mitzri! Oh, marvelous me!
For when I am ruler, there's nothing that's free!”

And for some time after, he sat up there high
Saying over and over, “A great king am I!”
Until ‘long about bathtime. Then Batya went out--
His daughter, to wash and to swim all about.
And she saw, in the Nile, a baby float by.
She stretched out her hand to console him his cry.
Looking up, she said, “Moshe shall be his name.
For I've drawn him from water. Who knows whence he came?
We'll have to adopt him - he seems rather tame.”

So Moshe grew up in the home of the king
And Pharaoh knew not what bad news this would bring.

Over time Pharaoh started to fear once again
For the Jews were not lacking some big and strong men
And so he declared, to assert his position,
His vision of slavery come to fruition.
"I'll give them hard labor!” his royal voice thundered,
"And then all will know I am king times a hundred!

“Hardship! More hardship!” he bellowed and brayed.
And the Jews in Mitzrayim were very afraid.
They trembled. They shook. But they came. They obeyed.
From all over the land, they came working by dozens.
Whole families of Jews, with uncles and cousins.
They did not have much choice, were too scared to revolt.
And they got no respite, not a moment to halt.

Meanwhile Moshe had run far away

For he killed a Mitzri and so could not stay

Thus he lived in Midian and he watched over sheep

When he saw something that would make anyone leap!

A bush! And on fire! But it did not burn!

Through it, God spoke to Moshe, said, "It's Pharaoh's turn.

Go down to Egypt and take out the Jews.

And Moshe went down, though he tried to refuse.

But Pharaoh the Mitzri who sat up on high,
Did not care one wit 'bout the Jews and their sighs.
“Begone!” shouted Pharaoh. “I’m the king of the trees!
I’m king of the birds! And I’m king of the bees!
I’m king of the butterflies! King of the air!
Ah, me! Do not whine 'cause I really don't care!
I’m Pharaoh the Mitzri! Oh, marvelous me!
And I'll make your work harder - that is my decree!”

Then again, from below, on the palace room floor,
Moshe and Aharon said one thing more.
“Your Majesty, please… we don’t like to complain,
But our Jewish brethren are feeling great pain.
If you won't let them go, we'll be frank, won't be vague,
Our God will come smite you - He'll bring you a plague!"
Though Pharaoh's magicians at first said, "Yeah? Bring it!"
With just a few proofs, knew God's finger was in it.

“You hush up your mouth!” howled the mighty King Pharaoh.
“The Jews can't go free! I will give them more sorrow!
I rule from the clouds! Over land! Over sea!
There’s nothing, no, NOTHING, that’s higher than me!”

And, while he was shouting, his heart was quite hardened
It seemed that the Jews might not ever be pardoned.
Until the plague of blood and the Nile was scarred-ened.
“What’s THAT?” snorted Pharaoh. “Say, what IS that thing
That dares to be higher than Pharaoh the King?
I shall not allow it! They'll work harder still!
I’ll keep myself higher! I can and I will!
My Jewish slaves shall not ever go free!
I'll keep them forever, now please let me be!"

But, as Pharaoh, the Mitzri King, lifted his hand
And gave out his orders and barked his command,

That bustling land that was rich and was neat

Where the water was warm, where there's plenty to eat

Was smote by God's hand, nine more plagues on the way
Frogs and then lice and wild animals -- nay
They weren't enough, the Jews still had to stay.
Then the animals of the Egyptians all died

Boils, and hail, even locusts, God tried!
Then thick, heavy darkness, which was not enough still

So God killed the first born of each Mitzri until--

Pharaoh, who thought he was king of the trees,
And king of the air and the birds and the bees,

Said, "Get out, you Jews! Go on out of here, please!"
For Pharaoh, the King of the land 'cross the Nile,
Was no match for Hashem, who beat Pharaoh with style.

And today we remember how God set us free,
How He saved us from Egypt, so His we may be.
We got our first Mitzvah after that escapade
For a nation we are now, and so long we have prayed

That next year in Jerusalem our seder'll be made.

What's With All The Labeling, Anyway?

As might be clear from the post below, the idea of labeling people has been on my mind lately. Truth be told, it's been on my mind for a while.

What is with all the labeling these days? How did it come about? Why is it there? Why do people swear by their labels so strongly that they get almost offended if you don't get them pinned exactly right (What?! I'm not that modern! I'm not that frum!)?

I don't claim to be an expert on this issue, but I was talking about it a little bit with my mom in the car earlier today. I asked her if people labeled others so much when she was growing up. She said definitely not, not the way it's being done today. She said that when she was growing up, you were either Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, or there were Chassidim. Yeshivish was just starting to evolve and there was Modern Orthodox but it wasn't split up into these minute little sections (RWMO, LWMO, et cetera). Of course, I'm sure there were still people who could fall into those sections, but no one was putting labels on them.

So what happened?

My theory (which could be 100% wrong and, even if there is some truth in it, there's probably a lot of other stuff contributing, as well) is that it has somewhat to do with shidduchim. It seems like more and more people are using shadchanim nowadays than they were a generation earlier (from what I've observed, anyway). Because it's not just the Yeshivish who are going to shadchanim. Lots of YU-type are, too. And the thing about going to a shadchan is that you are essentially asking a complete stranger to find you your life partner. That means it has to be easy to define people. It has to be easy to know where people stand on issues, what lifestyle someone leads, what their background is - all this has to be summed up as simply as possible. Thus, we rely so heavily on labels. And because these labels have been given such a crucial purpose, people see them as actual definitions of who they are.

I don't know if this is really why these labels exist and why they are relied upon so heavily. It's just something I've been thinking about. Because, if that is the case, then we really haven't given ourselves much choice, have we? Unless people are willing to date longer and find out more about the person they're dating on their own, they're going to need labels. And even in the crowd where people are dating longer, it just seems easier to skip over all the people who you know wouldn't fall into your hashkafic viewpoint and you're able to skip over them because you label yourself a particular thing. Right? This is what I've been observing, in any case, but I could be completely wrong.

In the quiz from the post below, one of the questions was what label you would give to the Rambam. Does it matter what label the Rambam would have? I understand the point of the question - it was to judge where you stand based on what your opinion of the Rambam is - but the concept of labeling the Rambam just seems strange to me. What purpose would it serve? Would certain people stop learning his sfarim because he was labeled something they were not?

What's scary about these labels is that they're not innocuous. They are dividing our nation in scary ways. Too many people look down on too many other people for the most absurd reasons. Too many people won't associate with each other for no good reason at all. Sure, there are people who thumb their noses at juding others based on labels (I'm one of them), but there are way, way, way too many people who rely heavily on these labels. Too much importance is put on them. Labels and dress code. I'm not talking about being tznius. I'm talking about people who judge and put much too much importance on whether or not you wear black or colors, what kind of kippa a guy wears, etc. Is a guy who wears black velvet any more of a shomer torah u'mitzvot than a guy who wears a kippa sruga?

We once randomly got a magazine called The Shadchan and it was basically a catalogue of girls and guys looking for a shidduch. How lovely. Each person had a little blurb about them and the kind of person they're looking for and, let me tell you, the things people had on there were r.i.d.i.c.u.l.o.u.s. So much emphasis was put on whether or not one wore "the garb." Girls were looking "only for guys who wore black hats" or who "wore the garb." Now, I understand that guys who wear black hats probably also belong to a certain mentality and hashkafa that these girls wanted, but what about looking for qualities in a person?

Face it. There are people who give themselves labels and then don't live up to those labels. There are people who dress a certain way but don't at all behave in a manner which reflects their dress code. The labels mean a lot less than people give them credit for. And what I've been learning is that people of different 'labels' are sometimes a heck of a lot more similar than they think they are.

I think we all need to take a breather and read some Dr. Seuss.

THE SNEETCHES

by Dr. Seuss

Now the Star-bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars.
The Plain-bellied Sneetches had none upon thars.
The stars weren't so big; they were really quite small.
You would think such a thing wouldn't matter at all.
But because they had stars, all the Star-bellied Sneetches
would brag, "We're the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches."

With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they'd snort, "
We'll have nothing to do with the plain-bellied sort."
And whenever they met some, when they were out walking,
they'd hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-bellied children went out to play ball,
could the Plain-bellies join in their game? Not at all!
You could only play ball if your bellies had stars,
and the Plain-bellied children had none upon thars.

When the Star-bellied Sneetches had frankfurter roasts,
or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts,
they never invited the Plain-bellied Sneetches.
Left them out cold in the dark of the beaches.
Kept them away; never let them come near,
and that's how they treated them year after year.

Then one day, it seems, while the Plain-bellied Sneetches
were moping, just moping alone on the beaches,
sitting there, wishing their bellies had stars,
up zipped a stranger in the strangest of cars.

"My friends, " he announced in a voice clear and keen,
"My name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
I've heard of your troubles; I've heard you're unhappy.
But I can fix that; I'm the fix-it-up chappie.
I've come here to help you; I have what you need.
My prices are low, and I work with great speed,
and my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed."

Then quickly, Sylvester McMonkey McBean
put together a very peculiar machine.
Then he said, "You want stars like a Star-bellied Sneetch?
My friends, you can have them . . . . for three dollars each.
Just hand me your money and climb on aboard."

They clambered inside and the big machine roared.
It bonked. It clonked. It jerked. It berked.
It bopped them around, but the thing really worked.
When the Plain-bellied Sneetches popped out, they had stars!
They actually did, they had stars upon thars!

Then they yelled at the ones who had stars from the start,
"We're exactly like you; you can't tell us apart.
We're all just the same now, you snooty old smarties.
Now we can come to your frankfurter parties!"

"Good grief!" groaned the one who had stars from the first.
"We're still the best Sneetches, and they are the worst.
But how in the world will we know," they all frowned,
"if which kind is what or the other way 'round?"

Then up stepped McBean with a very sly wink, and he said,
"Things are not quite as bad as you think.
You don't know who's who, that is perfectly true.
But come with me, friends, do you know what I'll do?
I'll make you again the best Sneetches on beaches,
and all it will cost you is ten dollars eaches.

Belly stars are no longer in style, " said McBean.
"What you need is a trip through my stars-off machine.
This wondrous contraption will take off your stars,
so you won't look like Sneetches who have them on thars."

That handy machine, working very precisely,
removed all the stars from their bellies quite nicely.
Then, with snoots in the air, they paraded about.
They opened their beaks and proceeded to shout,
"We now know who's who, and there isn't a doubt,
the best kind of Sneetches are Sneetches without."

Then, of course those with stars all got frightfully mad.
To be wearing a star now was frightfully bad.
Then, of course old Sylvester McMonkey McBean
invited them into his stars-off machine.
Then, of course from then on, you can probably guess,
things really got into a horrible mess.

All the rest of the day on those wild screaming beaches,
the Fix-it-up-Chappie was fixing up Sneetches.
Off again, on again, in again, out again,
through the machine and back round about again,
still paying money, still running through,
changing their stars every minute or two,
until neither the Plain- nor the Star-bellies knew
whether this one was that one or that one was this one
or which one was what one or what one was who!

Then, when every last cent of their money was spent,
the Fix-It-Up-Chappie packed up and he went.
And he laughed as he drove in his car up the beach,
"They never will learn; no, you can't teach a Sneetch!"

But McBean was quite wrong, I'm quite happy to say,
the Sneetches got quite a bit smarter that day.
That day, they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches,
and no kind of Sneetch is the BEST on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars,
and whether they had one or not upon thars.