For those of you who don't know, I just started graduate school this week. I'm studying Literacy and General Childhood Education.
Didn't know I was interested in teaching?
Funny. I'm not sure how well I knew it either not that long ago.
Tonight was my second class of the semester, and in tonight's class (called Child Development), we each had to talk to the person sitting next to us for five minutes and then introduce that person to the class. I was sitting in a spot where there were three of us, not two, and both women I spoke to for those five minutes are career changers. They both are probably at least ten years older than me (if not more) and have several children. I felt very young talking to them, and in some ways, I didn't feel young at all.
"You know," I said to them. "I'm not a career changer, but I did have a very different idea of what I'd be doing after college not that long ago."
"Really?" one of the women asked.
"Yeah. Ever since I was in high school, really, I applied and applied and applied to internships and jobs in the publishing world. I was sure that was what I wanted to do. I wanted to work with books. But at a certain point, I just wasn't getting a job in publishing. So after some serious rethinking, I'm here. But imagine if I had gotten a job in publishing. My life already would be so different, and would go in such a different direction."
"Yeah, it's funny, the paths our lives take," said the same woman.
"Yeah..." mused the other.
Sometimes I do wonder if I was never supposed to go into publishing in the first place, if it was sort of on purpose that I never got offered a job in a publishing house. When I attend my graduate school classes, when I sit in the library for three hours straight reading for class...I can't even describe what that feels like. You won't believe me. You'll think I'm over-exaggerating. But...I'm not. I'm really not. Every single second I'm there...I'm filled with this intense feeling of...rightness. I am doing the right thing. I am in the right place. I have set foot on a path where I know I can make a difference in people's lives concerning something I am passionate about. This is where I'm supposed to be. Not behind a desk at a publishing house.
Do I sound completely crazy to you?
But imagine how different things would be if just one place had offered to hire me? Just one? In all those years of applying.
Imagine how different my life would be if Stern had never put on a bizarre student-written play some years ago. Imagine if the Commentator had never written a blasting review of that play. Imagine if I had been too lazy to attend a random meeting of the drama society and heard Chana talk about her blog. Imagine if I had never, on a whim that night, decided to start my own blog.
Imagine if Ezzie had never started talking to me on gchat. Imagine if he had never invited me for Thanksgiving. Imagine if SJ and Fudge had never brought me there. Imagine if I hadn't stayed for Shabbos.
Imagine if SJ and I had not had all the same classes a few years ago in Stern. Imagine if The Apple and I had not been in fencing class together. Imagine if I had not decided to stay in Latin class as an only student. Imagine if I had not been an English Major.
Imagine if I had gone to Queens College.
Imagine how each decision, even small ones, how each chance encounter (if you believe in chance encounters), even seemingly unimportant ones, shape our lives so completely. How they've shaped my life.
Who would I be today if even one of those things was different? Or hadn't happened?
What if I'd never had an utterly boring job two summers ago and hadn't started writing a story and emailing the segments? Would I still be in the middle of a book right now? Would it be this book?
There are so many other factors in my life that could be different if it weren't for small things I decided to do, small risks I decided to take, small encounters I had. It's a crazy thing to think about.
I'm so happy with the way my life is turning out. I love my friends - the ones I didn't even know until a few years ago. I love all my old friends, too. I love what I'm doing. I love where I'm going. I love what I'm writing. I love what I've already written. I love that when I'm not reading or writing or in school, I'm doing things like playing the flute or attempting to illustrate things I've written.
And none of those things would be there if it weren't for the small things that have, in the words of Robert Frost, made all the difference. Really.
Imagine how different all of our lives could be if it were not for the small decisions, the chance encounters, the tiny interactions that begin beautiful friendships and relationships, that start us off on paths not only towards desirable goals, but where the paths themselves are such amazing places to be walking along.
I love life.
Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friday, September 11, 2009
Life
Sometimes life is like a carousel. You hang on to your seat and get pulled round and round: a never ending cycle with the same scenes, the same faces flashing by. You become sick and dizzy of going round in so many circles, but you can't seem to let go of your seat. Your seat is what grounds you, what lets you know where you are. But it, too, is dragged in the cycle. Yet because it grounds you, you won't let it go.
Sometimes life is like a lazy river. You lie in your inflated tube and let the current carry you whichever way it goes. You drift without really getting anywhere. Occasionally, the river carries you under a waterfall and you get wet. Sometimes you like this, sometimes you don't, but you don't bother trying to steer your inflated tube. The waterfalls don't last too long anyway.
Sometimes life is like a roller coaster. You make a choice and throw yourself into something - a powerful thing which vehicles you upward. You're excited, filled with bubbling anticipation, like a pot just beginning to boil as you slowly climb upwards, away from the familiar scenes below. The higher you climb, the more silent the world becomes. You leave behind the regular buzz of the park and enter into your own universe where you're aware only of the wind, the approaching sky, the rumbling of the wheels on the track, and your own chugging thoughts. Everything else in your life up until now seems to have fallen away, behind, and you surge upwards.
Then, just as you're thinking about how you have to tell your husband, wife, friend, sibling, kid, parent about this wonderful, free, powerful yet frightening feeling you're experiencing, you reach the top of the climb - and then you go. With a giant whoosh! you're thrown into the ride, and you're moving so fast you can't even think about anything other than the wind in your face that makes it hard to see, and you try not to open your mouth so you don't choke on that wind, and everything flashes by so quickly that you hardly register you saw anything before you've missed fifteen other things that came after it, and you don't know how to make anything stop, but it's such an exhilarating feeling that you almost don't want it to stop, and yet somehow you desperately do, and you know that you're overcoming certain weaknesses (yet gaining others), you know you're growing strong (yet becoming increasingly tired out), you know you're getting ahead by light-years, and you know you're living in this moment, and no other moment, not in the past, nor in the future, because there's no time or energy to live anywhere else.
Sometimes you feel like you can't get ahead, and sometimes you feel like you're moving too fast. Sometimes you can't catch up, sometimes you can't fall back into step with everyone else.
Sometimes you don't know where you are - you're both too far ahead and too far behind, and you're amazed that such a thing is possible.
In all rides of life, what I find most comforting is that no matter how quickly or slowly I go, no matter if I'm ahead or behind, no matter where I am, when I get off the ride, I have family and friends who love me, and who loved me even while I was too busy in a different pace of living to keep up, or stay back, with them.
I find, so far in my life, and I think this applies to life in general, that the ones who are still there at the end of the ride - they're the ones who will stay with you during your whole adventure at the park (or, if you'd rather not think metaphorically, your whole life's adventure). They're there to go on other rides, both together with you and separately, and to always be there when the rides are done. They're the people really in your life.
So I suppose that at different moments in our lives, we feel we might be moving at different paces. This can be scary, or wonderful, or overwhelming, or exciting, or a mix of all different emotions. But no matter what, we should always recognize that we still have beside us the people and the things that matter, and we should make sure never to lose them. We should make sure they know that we are also there for them (to the best of our ability) - no matter how slowly or how quickly we are going.
It's good to have people we can trust. It's good to know there are people who, no matter how far or close, how quick or slow they are or we are, will always have that connection to us, so that at the end of it all, you can always pick up the phone or send an email or pay a visit, and it will be like you were never out of sync. Because you never were, really.
And it's good to remember that if we are making good use of our time, if we are making good choices, and if we are around good people - life is good. But sometimes it can be a wild ride (or a not so wild one). :)
Sometimes life is like a lazy river. You lie in your inflated tube and let the current carry you whichever way it goes. You drift without really getting anywhere. Occasionally, the river carries you under a waterfall and you get wet. Sometimes you like this, sometimes you don't, but you don't bother trying to steer your inflated tube. The waterfalls don't last too long anyway.
Sometimes life is like a roller coaster. You make a choice and throw yourself into something - a powerful thing which vehicles you upward. You're excited, filled with bubbling anticipation, like a pot just beginning to boil as you slowly climb upwards, away from the familiar scenes below. The higher you climb, the more silent the world becomes. You leave behind the regular buzz of the park and enter into your own universe where you're aware only of the wind, the approaching sky, the rumbling of the wheels on the track, and your own chugging thoughts. Everything else in your life up until now seems to have fallen away, behind, and you surge upwards.
Then, just as you're thinking about how you have to tell your husband, wife, friend, sibling, kid, parent about this wonderful, free, powerful yet frightening feeling you're experiencing, you reach the top of the climb - and then you go. With a giant whoosh! you're thrown into the ride, and you're moving so fast you can't even think about anything other than the wind in your face that makes it hard to see, and you try not to open your mouth so you don't choke on that wind, and everything flashes by so quickly that you hardly register you saw anything before you've missed fifteen other things that came after it, and you don't know how to make anything stop, but it's such an exhilarating feeling that you almost don't want it to stop, and yet somehow you desperately do, and you know that you're overcoming certain weaknesses (yet gaining others), you know you're growing strong (yet becoming increasingly tired out), you know you're getting ahead by light-years, and you know you're living in this moment, and no other moment, not in the past, nor in the future, because there's no time or energy to live anywhere else.
Sometimes you feel like you can't get ahead, and sometimes you feel like you're moving too fast. Sometimes you can't catch up, sometimes you can't fall back into step with everyone else.
Sometimes you don't know where you are - you're both too far ahead and too far behind, and you're amazed that such a thing is possible.
In all rides of life, what I find most comforting is that no matter how quickly or slowly I go, no matter if I'm ahead or behind, no matter where I am, when I get off the ride, I have family and friends who love me, and who loved me even while I was too busy in a different pace of living to keep up, or stay back, with them.
I find, so far in my life, and I think this applies to life in general, that the ones who are still there at the end of the ride - they're the ones who will stay with you during your whole adventure at the park (or, if you'd rather not think metaphorically, your whole life's adventure). They're there to go on other rides, both together with you and separately, and to always be there when the rides are done. They're the people really in your life.
So I suppose that at different moments in our lives, we feel we might be moving at different paces. This can be scary, or wonderful, or overwhelming, or exciting, or a mix of all different emotions. But no matter what, we should always recognize that we still have beside us the people and the things that matter, and we should make sure never to lose them. We should make sure they know that we are also there for them (to the best of our ability) - no matter how slowly or how quickly we are going.
It's good to have people we can trust. It's good to know there are people who, no matter how far or close, how quick or slow they are or we are, will always have that connection to us, so that at the end of it all, you can always pick up the phone or send an email or pay a visit, and it will be like you were never out of sync. Because you never were, really.
And it's good to remember that if we are making good use of our time, if we are making good choices, and if we are around good people - life is good. But sometimes it can be a wild ride (or a not so wild one). :)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Full House?
Tonight my brother Mavis said something that really hit me. He said, "Tonight all four of us are sleeping here, but tomorrow night it's just me."
It's true. Tonight is the last night for a while when all four kids are home at once. Tomorrow night I'll be in my apartment in the Heights, Straight Man will be in YU, and Trademark will be on the plane to her year in Israel.
It's funny - when I went to my year in Israel, I was leaving a completely different kind of house behind. I'm the oldest, so everyone was still at home while I was away. I was incredibly homesick for months after I left, and it would get worse when I went to different families for chagim and Shabbos. We have many friends in Israel who used to live in my community and although I loved going to them for Shabbos, and though going there gave me some of that family feeling that I didn't have at school, I would feel even more homesick in some ways. There was family life going on around me, but I wasn't part of it. I felt somehow...outside. I would be reminded of my own family and how I wasn't there. I would get jealous of the siblings bantering with each other and play-wrestling. I would feel this dull ache that seemed like it would only get soothed by going over to my own little brother and punching him in the shoulder or having my own sister tell me how to wear my clothes. What was worse - I knew this sort of thing was still going on at my house. It's just that it was going on without me. A whole year of sibling camaraderie went by, a whole year of everyone in my family growing, both physically and as people. A time when I called home one day and an unrecognizable male voice answered who turned out to be my brother.
I remember being jealous of the British girls because it was so easy for them to go home - only a five hour flight! Compared to ten or eleven hours, that felt like nothing! Like flying from New York to California! Both New York and California felt equally like home at those times, even though I'd never even been to California. I felt like if I could at least be in the same country as my family, I'd feel better. I never got homesick in camp. I wasn't the homesick kind, I thought. But it was this feeling that my family was so far away, that I couldn't even call them any hour of the day I wanted because sometimes it was the middle of the night for them.
I know how Trademark feels when she does things like beg me to keep her updated on all my dating adventures.
"But, Trademark, going on one date with a guy is not that exciting."
"Okay, but if you start going on a few dates, you have to tell me!"
One time when I was in Israel, I called home and was so upset that I asked my mother to just tell me what they all were doing. She described what they were having for dinner and how everyone was sitting around the table...
In some ways, Trademark is leaving behind a different kind of house. We're not all going to be sitting around the table on a random weeknight. Though Straight Man and I are not too far away, we're not really living at home anymore either - especially me. Most of the time, it's just going to be my parents and Mavis. And what if Mavis goes away for Shabbos?
My family is at the point in our collective family life where everyone is off doing his or her own thing. It's not one person away and everyone else still in the status quo as far as home life. It's everyone coming and going at various frequencies.
More than ever before in my house, there was a lot of packing and moving going on this summer. For me, I'm really looking forward to having Straight Man live in the same city as me. For a while, we were hardly in the same country. I know we probably won't see each other a lot - especially as he's on a rigorous YU schedule, but it's nice to know he's there, all the same.
For Trademark - I hope she has a spectacular year in Israel, whatever kind of year it turns out to be. And I will miss her a lot. Our house is going to get a lot...quieter...
And for Mavis - He should enjoy having the house to himself, and everything that comes with it. :)
So tonight there are six people in this house. Tomorrow night, there will be three.
...My family is growing up.
It's true. Tonight is the last night for a while when all four kids are home at once. Tomorrow night I'll be in my apartment in the Heights, Straight Man will be in YU, and Trademark will be on the plane to her year in Israel.
It's funny - when I went to my year in Israel, I was leaving a completely different kind of house behind. I'm the oldest, so everyone was still at home while I was away. I was incredibly homesick for months after I left, and it would get worse when I went to different families for chagim and Shabbos. We have many friends in Israel who used to live in my community and although I loved going to them for Shabbos, and though going there gave me some of that family feeling that I didn't have at school, I would feel even more homesick in some ways. There was family life going on around me, but I wasn't part of it. I felt somehow...outside. I would be reminded of my own family and how I wasn't there. I would get jealous of the siblings bantering with each other and play-wrestling. I would feel this dull ache that seemed like it would only get soothed by going over to my own little brother and punching him in the shoulder or having my own sister tell me how to wear my clothes. What was worse - I knew this sort of thing was still going on at my house. It's just that it was going on without me. A whole year of sibling camaraderie went by, a whole year of everyone in my family growing, both physically and as people. A time when I called home one day and an unrecognizable male voice answered who turned out to be my brother.
I remember being jealous of the British girls because it was so easy for them to go home - only a five hour flight! Compared to ten or eleven hours, that felt like nothing! Like flying from New York to California! Both New York and California felt equally like home at those times, even though I'd never even been to California. I felt like if I could at least be in the same country as my family, I'd feel better. I never got homesick in camp. I wasn't the homesick kind, I thought. But it was this feeling that my family was so far away, that I couldn't even call them any hour of the day I wanted because sometimes it was the middle of the night for them.
I know how Trademark feels when she does things like beg me to keep her updated on all my dating adventures.
"But, Trademark, going on one date with a guy is not that exciting."
"Okay, but if you start going on a few dates, you have to tell me!"
One time when I was in Israel, I called home and was so upset that I asked my mother to just tell me what they all were doing. She described what they were having for dinner and how everyone was sitting around the table...
In some ways, Trademark is leaving behind a different kind of house. We're not all going to be sitting around the table on a random weeknight. Though Straight Man and I are not too far away, we're not really living at home anymore either - especially me. Most of the time, it's just going to be my parents and Mavis. And what if Mavis goes away for Shabbos?
My family is at the point in our collective family life where everyone is off doing his or her own thing. It's not one person away and everyone else still in the status quo as far as home life. It's everyone coming and going at various frequencies.
More than ever before in my house, there was a lot of packing and moving going on this summer. For me, I'm really looking forward to having Straight Man live in the same city as me. For a while, we were hardly in the same country. I know we probably won't see each other a lot - especially as he's on a rigorous YU schedule, but it's nice to know he's there, all the same.
For Trademark - I hope she has a spectacular year in Israel, whatever kind of year it turns out to be. And I will miss her a lot. Our house is going to get a lot...quieter...
And for Mavis - He should enjoy having the house to himself, and everything that comes with it. :)
So tonight there are six people in this house. Tomorrow night, there will be three.
...My family is growing up.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Stepping Forward
Today we moved Straight Man into YU. As we waited for Straight Man to sign in and get his room and student ID, someone came over and put a bright red bracelet on my wrist that said, "Welcome To YU." It was the weirdest thing. I was being welcomed to YU as though I was a guest, except I was just a student in Stern three months ago.
It's bizarre to me that YC and Stern's first day of school is this Wednesday, and I won't be there. Stern was my home for the past four years - it feels like I still belong there!
Every year of our lives, we grow and develop as people. But my time at Stern was where I probably had my biggest growth spurt as a person. So many people think that sort of thing is supposed to happen during your year in Israel. There's that pressure before you go - are you going to "change?" How much are you going to "grow?"
But what does it mean to grow, anyway? I don't think you can go anywhere specifically to grow. I know in all the Israel school interviews, they ask why you're going to Israel and everyone always says, "To grow in my Judaism, to grow as a person..." But you can't plan when and where you're going to develop as a person. My most meaningful growth experiences have been the most ordinary kinds of experiences, and not meant for growth at all. They weren't in any way inspiring. Some of them were quite difficult. I was not on a high. I struggled. I listened. I observed. I learned about others and about myself. And I grew.
I know there is still a lot of growing left for me to do, but I have a feeling it will be of a different kind. Everything about Stern was a kind of dream. Now I feel as though I'm waking up into an unfamiliar place, and I have to get my bearings all over again.Yet enough of that dream has remained with me upon waking, and I will keep it close to me. I don't know where I'm headed now. It's all very much an adventure, I suppose. I just have to learn to stop looking back and concentrate only on moving forward.
But I do miss Stern already, and I can never thank anyone who has been part of that experience enough for what they have given me.
It's bizarre to me that YC and Stern's first day of school is this Wednesday, and I won't be there. Stern was my home for the past four years - it feels like I still belong there!
Every year of our lives, we grow and develop as people. But my time at Stern was where I probably had my biggest growth spurt as a person. So many people think that sort of thing is supposed to happen during your year in Israel. There's that pressure before you go - are you going to "change?" How much are you going to "grow?"
But what does it mean to grow, anyway? I don't think you can go anywhere specifically to grow. I know in all the Israel school interviews, they ask why you're going to Israel and everyone always says, "To grow in my Judaism, to grow as a person..." But you can't plan when and where you're going to develop as a person. My most meaningful growth experiences have been the most ordinary kinds of experiences, and not meant for growth at all. They weren't in any way inspiring. Some of them were quite difficult. I was not on a high. I struggled. I listened. I observed. I learned about others and about myself. And I grew.
I know there is still a lot of growing left for me to do, but I have a feeling it will be of a different kind. Everything about Stern was a kind of dream. Now I feel as though I'm waking up into an unfamiliar place, and I have to get my bearings all over again.Yet enough of that dream has remained with me upon waking, and I will keep it close to me. I don't know where I'm headed now. It's all very much an adventure, I suppose. I just have to learn to stop looking back and concentrate only on moving forward.
But I do miss Stern already, and I can never thank anyone who has been part of that experience enough for what they have given me.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Heights
(Half a poem)
Give me wings so I may fly
To Heights beyond Grand crossroads
And past the glaring lights of Time
Illuminating the sky.
I lift-off like a child learns;
My journey starts expressly with A.
I climb high over the Central playground,
Farther than the Carousel turns.
Give me wings so I may fly
To Heights beside the river
And there I'll stand above the world:
That world that peeks at me, so shy.
Forward Motion
Life has a very forward motion feel. That's because time is always moving forward. The world is always spinning on its axis. Day is always turning into night, which then always turns back into day. People get older. They go through stage after stage after stage. Leaves turn colors on the trees. Snow, rain, burning hot sun.
And yet you could be watching it all as a stagnant outsider. The world is spinning fast and you seem to be standing completely still.
So then you decide, "This is it. I won't be a slug on a rock any longer. I'm going to run with the wind!"
And then you're off! You are part of the chase to the finish line, though you don't even know what everyone is chasing after. Yet you chase after it as well because you must in order to keep up.
But suddenly you realize you're running so fast, you can hardly grasp all the places you've run through. They're all a blur to you. You have vague memories of passing by, but that's all.
So you slow down.
The best way, you find, to go through life, is not racing to keep pace with everyone else, but advancing just fast enough, and slow enough, to keep pace with yourself.
Sometimes other people running by jostle you to keep up with them, though.
And yet you could be watching it all as a stagnant outsider. The world is spinning fast and you seem to be standing completely still.
So then you decide, "This is it. I won't be a slug on a rock any longer. I'm going to run with the wind!"
And then you're off! You are part of the chase to the finish line, though you don't even know what everyone is chasing after. Yet you chase after it as well because you must in order to keep up.
But suddenly you realize you're running so fast, you can hardly grasp all the places you've run through. They're all a blur to you. You have vague memories of passing by, but that's all.
So you slow down.
The best way, you find, to go through life, is not racing to keep pace with everyone else, but advancing just fast enough, and slow enough, to keep pace with yourself.
Sometimes other people running by jostle you to keep up with them, though.
Monday, June 15, 2009
One Step Forward
It feels like the end of this year signifies a step forward for most people I know. Of my own peer group, we've graduated college. A close friend of mine just got a job. Another close friend of mine is going to have her first baby. Two good friends are getting married this month. My brother is starting YU in the fall. And my sister graduated high school today.
A huge mazel tov goes to Trademark and my cousins Tree and F1 all on their high school graduations.
Trademark graduated from my old high school and it was kind of funny to notice how not much had changed. The girls were different. Hair styles were different. One of the assistant principals was different. But...that was about it.
When Trademark wanted to take a picture with the principal afterward, the principal asked me to be in the picture, too. She wished me luck in figuring out what my next step in life will be, as though not a day had passed since I had been one of her students.
It seems a lot of people get mazel tovs this summer. So mazel tov to you all.
It also seems as though lots of people are taking one distinctive step forward in life. I wish all of you much hatzlacha in all that you will face and, knowing you guys, I know you'll all handle everything with poise, grace, firmness, seriousness, and humor (yes, all of those together). I believe that if you smile at the world, the world will smile back at you. And yet none of you are too frivolous. You take your lives seriously, but with a smile all the same. Kol hakavod and may you continue to be wonderful people and excel at life.
A huge mazel tov goes to Trademark and my cousins Tree and F1 all on their high school graduations.
Trademark graduated from my old high school and it was kind of funny to notice how not much had changed. The girls were different. Hair styles were different. One of the assistant principals was different. But...that was about it.
When Trademark wanted to take a picture with the principal afterward, the principal asked me to be in the picture, too. She wished me luck in figuring out what my next step in life will be, as though not a day had passed since I had been one of her students.
It seems a lot of people get mazel tovs this summer. So mazel tov to you all.
It also seems as though lots of people are taking one distinctive step forward in life. I wish all of you much hatzlacha in all that you will face and, knowing you guys, I know you'll all handle everything with poise, grace, firmness, seriousness, and humor (yes, all of those together). I believe that if you smile at the world, the world will smile back at you. And yet none of you are too frivolous. You take your lives seriously, but with a smile all the same. Kol hakavod and may you continue to be wonderful people and excel at life.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Grand Plans
[This post is somewhat immature, but I'd rather disclaim than take it down]
In the summers, people often have these grand plans about how they're going to spend their time.
"I'm going to join a gym!"
"I'm going to learn a musical instrument!"
"I'm going to watch all ten seasons of Friends!"
And so on.
I also have grand plans for this summer. I want to read a number of books, including The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. (And I'd love to read Don Quixote, but who knows if I'll actually do that this summer. And I want to read James Joyce's Ulysses just to prove I can.) I'm actually in the middle of reading Breakfast at Tiffany's, a book that I read a few summers ago and vaguely remember.
I want to start watching Seinfeld (my family owns one or two seasons). I've been told I'll love it.
I want to pick up the flute again. I haven't taken lessons since I was about 12, so that's ten years ago already. A few days ago I started playing again just to see what I could remember and I ended up being able to play (not spectacularly, but I'm extremely out of practice) Part Of Your World, Can You Feel The Love Tonight, and the Bonjour song from Beauty and the Beast. I was even able to play a few bars of Memory from Cats.
Even more importantly, however - I want to write. I want to seriously work on my writing and possibly actually do something with it. But it's hard to concentrate and really lose myself in writing when there is so much going on around me. I think I understand now why writers like to go to isolated cabins in the woods. And most notably, once I start working, it's really going to be a challenge to come home from a long day and then be able to write. And when I say write, I mean really sitting down to write for a number of hours. Not a few snatches here and there.
Right now is my time for that kind of writing, isn't it? If I don't do it now, before the craziness of life actually begins, then when will I? Is my dream of becoming a writer going to end up really being just a dream?
So often when I bemoan the fact that once I start working, I'll be working for the rest of my life, people smile that knowing smile and say, "Welcome to Life." Well, you know what? I hate money. I absolutely loathe it. Because if I can't spend the time doing what I want to do now, then when will I ever be able to? My whole life I'm going to have to spend working in order to make money in order to pay bills in order to live so that I can be able to go to work. What kind of a life is that? When will I have a chance to actually live my life the way I want to live it? My dream right now is to be a stay at home mother and a full time author. But how can I get to be a full time author if I am unable to actually write my first book? Where will I find the time and energy for real writing? And yet if I prolong this time without a job, I'll have no money. So basically my life is about having money so that I can actually have a life? But then, when will I be able to quit that part so I can spend my days writing? When I'm retired?
In the olden days, writers and all artists used to have patrons who would basically provide for them so that they could work on their art, which they would then proceed to dedicate to their patrons who had so generously supported them. Nowadays, I don't think we have such a system. At least, I've never heard of it. So those who wish to pursue the arts have to either be a "starving artist" or have to squeeze in the time before they are good enough and wealthy enough to make it a full time profession. Or their dream of working in the arts remains just that. A dream.
How many dreamers are out there who spend their lives doing something else completely?
When do you get to start becoming who you want to be in this world instead of just focusing on paying the bills?
Why am I 22 years old and already aware that there is real danger in losing my dream completely - that if I want my dream to become a reality, I'm really going to have to fight for it? Because nothing about this world, this life, is going to let me have it.
I just really hope it's not another one of those "grand plans."
In the summers, people often have these grand plans about how they're going to spend their time.
"I'm going to join a gym!"
"I'm going to learn a musical instrument!"
"I'm going to watch all ten seasons of Friends!"
And so on.
I also have grand plans for this summer. I want to read a number of books, including The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. (And I'd love to read Don Quixote, but who knows if I'll actually do that this summer. And I want to read James Joyce's Ulysses just to prove I can.) I'm actually in the middle of reading Breakfast at Tiffany's, a book that I read a few summers ago and vaguely remember.
I want to start watching Seinfeld (my family owns one or two seasons). I've been told I'll love it.
I want to pick up the flute again. I haven't taken lessons since I was about 12, so that's ten years ago already. A few days ago I started playing again just to see what I could remember and I ended up being able to play (not spectacularly, but I'm extremely out of practice) Part Of Your World, Can You Feel The Love Tonight, and the Bonjour song from Beauty and the Beast. I was even able to play a few bars of Memory from Cats.
Even more importantly, however - I want to write. I want to seriously work on my writing and possibly actually do something with it. But it's hard to concentrate and really lose myself in writing when there is so much going on around me. I think I understand now why writers like to go to isolated cabins in the woods. And most notably, once I start working, it's really going to be a challenge to come home from a long day and then be able to write. And when I say write, I mean really sitting down to write for a number of hours. Not a few snatches here and there.
Right now is my time for that kind of writing, isn't it? If I don't do it now, before the craziness of life actually begins, then when will I? Is my dream of becoming a writer going to end up really being just a dream?
So often when I bemoan the fact that once I start working, I'll be working for the rest of my life, people smile that knowing smile and say, "Welcome to Life." Well, you know what? I hate money. I absolutely loathe it. Because if I can't spend the time doing what I want to do now, then when will I ever be able to? My whole life I'm going to have to spend working in order to make money in order to pay bills in order to live so that I can be able to go to work. What kind of a life is that? When will I have a chance to actually live my life the way I want to live it? My dream right now is to be a stay at home mother and a full time author. But how can I get to be a full time author if I am unable to actually write my first book? Where will I find the time and energy for real writing? And yet if I prolong this time without a job, I'll have no money. So basically my life is about having money so that I can actually have a life? But then, when will I be able to quit that part so I can spend my days writing? When I'm retired?
In the olden days, writers and all artists used to have patrons who would basically provide for them so that they could work on their art, which they would then proceed to dedicate to their patrons who had so generously supported them. Nowadays, I don't think we have such a system. At least, I've never heard of it. So those who wish to pursue the arts have to either be a "starving artist" or have to squeeze in the time before they are good enough and wealthy enough to make it a full time profession. Or their dream of working in the arts remains just that. A dream.
How many dreamers are out there who spend their lives doing something else completely?
When do you get to start becoming who you want to be in this world instead of just focusing on paying the bills?
Why am I 22 years old and already aware that there is real danger in losing my dream completely - that if I want my dream to become a reality, I'm really going to have to fight for it? Because nothing about this world, this life, is going to let me have it.
I just really hope it's not another one of those "grand plans."
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Blank Slate
So here I am.
I've stepped precariously from one storybook of life and into the pages of another; pages that are not yet filled in. All around me is blankness that I've somehow got to write, but I don't know where to even begin.
I am a completely blank slate. I have no job. I am unattached to any male person. I am not in school for any further education. I am nowhere. I have the entire world in front of me and I don't know which way to turn. So many paths seem to be entwined in brambles and thorny vines, as if to trip me up or block my way entirely. Is this what it's like on the other side of childhood? Constantly fighting your way to get anywhere?
But I haven't made it anywhere yet. I haven't been on this side of things long enough to have made it anywhere. Because where ought I try to make it into? I've got to decide this before I start off, haven't I? Otherwise I won't know whether to turn east or west or north north east or south west south.
Everything feels so rocky like when you're walking on a dock that sticks out over the water and the waves shove it to and fro in their giddy game of trying to make you lose your balance. But I can't lose my balance here because the things I do actually matter. If I make a mistake, it has more consequences than just retaking a test or apologizing.
Hundreds of people lose their jobs every day - so how is a recent college graduate supposed to find anything when talented professionals are out of work? Nowhere is hiring. What real skills do I have anyway? Would I be happy filing papers for a year or more or would I go out of my mind?
And what about dating when I don't even know any guys?
What about finding a place to live and having to pay rent for the first time ever?
What about deciding what kind of job I really want to have, or if I want to go back to school?
How do I figure these things out?
Who will I become?
Where do I go next?
I've stepped precariously from one storybook of life and into the pages of another; pages that are not yet filled in. All around me is blankness that I've somehow got to write, but I don't know where to even begin.
I am a completely blank slate. I have no job. I am unattached to any male person. I am not in school for any further education. I am nowhere. I have the entire world in front of me and I don't know which way to turn. So many paths seem to be entwined in brambles and thorny vines, as if to trip me up or block my way entirely. Is this what it's like on the other side of childhood? Constantly fighting your way to get anywhere?
But I haven't made it anywhere yet. I haven't been on this side of things long enough to have made it anywhere. Because where ought I try to make it into? I've got to decide this before I start off, haven't I? Otherwise I won't know whether to turn east or west or north north east or south west south.
Everything feels so rocky like when you're walking on a dock that sticks out over the water and the waves shove it to and fro in their giddy game of trying to make you lose your balance. But I can't lose my balance here because the things I do actually matter. If I make a mistake, it has more consequences than just retaking a test or apologizing.
Hundreds of people lose their jobs every day - so how is a recent college graduate supposed to find anything when talented professionals are out of work? Nowhere is hiring. What real skills do I have anyway? Would I be happy filing papers for a year or more or would I go out of my mind?
And what about dating when I don't even know any guys?
What about finding a place to live and having to pay rent for the first time ever?
What about deciding what kind of job I really want to have, or if I want to go back to school?
How do I figure these things out?
Who will I become?
Where do I go next?
Friday, May 22, 2009
Starting Out On A Journey
I am officially done with school.
Ever.
(Or maybe not ever, but for now.)
Last night was my last night as the Apple's roommate. In fact, it was my last night as part of TBA (what I nicknamed our apartment on my blog way back in the beginning of the year. I believe it stands for "The Best Apartment" - not very original, I know). But not even, because M.R. had already left.
Last night, the Apple and I talked a bit until we were nearly asleep (that didn't take very long, seeing as we were both exhausted from packing and transporting luggage). When I shut the lamp, I thought to myself, "These last few seconds before I fall asleep are my last few seconds as a member of this apartment. When I wake up in the morning, my time at Stern will really be over." While I was still the Apple's roommate, it was like school was still in session, even though there were no more classes. I was still a part of my Stern experience. Now I'm home for Shabbos and any return to the Stern premises will be as a graduate.
Truthfully, I do have one more night in my apartment at Stern. D2 and I are packing our stuff on motzei Shabbos and leaving Sunday morning. But it will be just us. We will be the last ones to say goodbye to The Apartment.
...And then we, and everyone else, will go on together to the next stage of our lives.
What's both nice and strange at the same time is that we're not saying goodbye to each other. We're going to be seeing each other next year. This is not like the end of the year in Israel when people go off to their respective colleges in various different states or countries or even continents. Those people you really need to say goodbye to. But not my friends now. We're still going to be together in some ways, but...differently. I don't know what it will be like but it doesn't feel lonely.
D2, Chana, SJ, M.R., and the Apple,
This year, there were struggles, triumphs, difficult moments, awesome moments...but you guys have been amazing apartment mates.
At the start of this year, I wrote a post on beginnings. Well, now we're all facing a new kind of beginning. It's the beginning of a path in a completely different walk of life. But I think we're not alone on that path. It's one we don't know well at all, yet we are not walking it in solitude, even as we are also all doing different things next year.
There's a song from the end of the movie Anastasia that I love. It's meant to be a love song really, but I think it can really apply to any sort of close relationship - especially a deep-rooted friendship that will help each of us face whatever journey we have up ahead.
As I step wistfully out of one stage and nervously, but not unhappily, into the next, I take with me everything my time at Stern College for Women has provided me with. In a way, I am the same person I always was, except I'm being that person in a different way. It's slightly confusing. But refreshing, in a way. It's exciting to feel like I can possibly do something important with my life outside of the comfortable school cocoon.
So thank you, Stern College.
This post feels somewhat awkward, but I guess some things are hard to say, let alone say with elegance.
This blog will no longer be the records of a girl in college. Now it will be something else. Perhaps it will be more important to me than ever to write about what happens to me. My life suddenly feels like it's one big surprise.
I suppose we shall see what happens come tomorrow.
Ever.
(Or maybe not ever, but for now.)
Last night was my last night as the Apple's roommate. In fact, it was my last night as part of TBA (what I nicknamed our apartment on my blog way back in the beginning of the year. I believe it stands for "The Best Apartment" - not very original, I know). But not even, because M.R. had already left.
Last night, the Apple and I talked a bit until we were nearly asleep (that didn't take very long, seeing as we were both exhausted from packing and transporting luggage). When I shut the lamp, I thought to myself, "These last few seconds before I fall asleep are my last few seconds as a member of this apartment. When I wake up in the morning, my time at Stern will really be over." While I was still the Apple's roommate, it was like school was still in session, even though there were no more classes. I was still a part of my Stern experience. Now I'm home for Shabbos and any return to the Stern premises will be as a graduate.
Truthfully, I do have one more night in my apartment at Stern. D2 and I are packing our stuff on motzei Shabbos and leaving Sunday morning. But it will be just us. We will be the last ones to say goodbye to The Apartment.
...And then we, and everyone else, will go on together to the next stage of our lives.
What's both nice and strange at the same time is that we're not saying goodbye to each other. We're going to be seeing each other next year. This is not like the end of the year in Israel when people go off to their respective colleges in various different states or countries or even continents. Those people you really need to say goodbye to. But not my friends now. We're still going to be together in some ways, but...differently. I don't know what it will be like but it doesn't feel lonely.
D2, Chana, SJ, M.R., and the Apple,
This year, there were struggles, triumphs, difficult moments, awesome moments...but you guys have been amazing apartment mates.
At the start of this year, I wrote a post on beginnings. Well, now we're all facing a new kind of beginning. It's the beginning of a path in a completely different walk of life. But I think we're not alone on that path. It's one we don't know well at all, yet we are not walking it in solitude, even as we are also all doing different things next year.
There's a song from the end of the movie Anastasia that I love. It's meant to be a love song really, but I think it can really apply to any sort of close relationship - especially a deep-rooted friendship that will help each of us face whatever journey we have up ahead.
As I step wistfully out of one stage and nervously, but not unhappily, into the next, I take with me everything my time at Stern College for Women has provided me with. In a way, I am the same person I always was, except I'm being that person in a different way. It's slightly confusing. But refreshing, in a way. It's exciting to feel like I can possibly do something important with my life outside of the comfortable school cocoon.
So thank you, Stern College.
This post feels somewhat awkward, but I guess some things are hard to say, let alone say with elegance.
This blog will no longer be the records of a girl in college. Now it will be something else. Perhaps it will be more important to me than ever to write about what happens to me. My life suddenly feels like it's one big surprise.
I suppose we shall see what happens come tomorrow.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thoughts and Things I've Learned
More than any other schooling experience, my time at Stern has been a real journey. Through the teachers, the classes, and friends both in and out of school, I have been molded, and perhaps molded myself, into a richer, more mature, more self-assured person.
One of the first things I've had to learn was not to compare myself to anyone else. Someone else's success is not my failure. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with me, even if I did not "get" whatever the other person "got." Regardless of what any other person gets or how far any other person goes in any pursuit, I can only get as far and do as well as my efforts and talents allow.
The more you look at what other people are doing in comparison to what you are doing, the more negative feelings you will conjure up towards that other person. Trust me, it's not at all worth it. Feeling those things won't change anything. All it will do is make you frustrated and annoyed at both the other person and yourself. You'll resent the other person for doing well and you'll resent yourself for not performing to your potential and for feeling resentful towards your friend.
Yeah, it's frustrating not to get as good a grade as you want, especially if a friend does better than you in school. It's disappointing, and even somewhat depressing, to wish to get chosen for something and get passed over in favor of your friend. Such things bring competition into places where there should be none. But when such things happen, instead of looking at yourself and feeling resentful about all you're lacking, it's good to realize that you do have talents and that you have a lot more to go in order to reach your potential.
On that note, you always have the chance to grow more in your talents and stretch out your hand farther towards your potential. A grade is not a brand marking you forever as the limit of your abilities. There is always room and opportunity to strive for higher accomplishments. So you don't succeed today. That's okay. There's always tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. Or even the next decade. Today might be someone else's moment, but one day it will be yours, too.
Something else I learned is to stand behind my own words. After all, if I don't stand by myself, who will? If I don't feel confident in what I'm saying, why should anyone take me seriously? Or believe in my ability to get anywhere or accomplish anything? If I write disclaimers before all my stories, it means I don't believe in my own writing! Am I going to be afraid of showing myself to the world forever? Or am I going to stand up and be confident that my opinions count, too, and that they're just as valid as anyone else's?
Sometimes people say things about you that aren't necessarily true or super accurate. Sometimes you even say things about yourself that aren't exactly accurate just to please or pacify someone else. But why should you? Why shouldn't you stand true to who you are?
I'm pretty intimidated about leaving the safety of school and stepping out into the "real" world. No matter what anyone says about the difference between the different stages of schooling (elementary, high school, college) or how on your own you are throughout school, there is always, always, always a difference between being in school and not being in school anymore. School is a place we all know by heart. We are all experts on The System. We can hold that system in our hands and mold it like clay to fit our needs. It's a system we've run around in, tripped over, and learned to balance just right. We know where all the lines are and just how far to push them. We know where we stand when we're in school - any school.
But I don't know the system outside of school. I don't know what is expected of me, where the lines are, or if I can even push them a centimeter. School is like a maze that we can feel our way through instinctively until, suddenly, it is not a maze any longer but a series of passages - some that are well known and some that are secret only to ourselves.
The outside world, to me, does not seem like a series of passages at all. From afar, it looks like a vast, seamless ocean of...a lot going on. There are new rules, new lines. It's a totally new game. I feel like I'm being pushed into the middle of a game of capture the flag and I haven't even been told who's on what team.
But the thing is, when you don't know the rules, if you know yourself then that's at least a start. If you don't know yourself or what you're getting into, that's tricky. Then you could be completely molded by whatever choices you make. Of course, you're always going to be somewhat colored by the environment you're in, but having a strong idea of who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you approve of, what you wish to stay away from...that can help bring some direction, probably. At least - then you won't lose yourself in the vastness of possibilities that are out there. Or, it makes me feel better about it, anyway.
One last thing I'd like to write about here is facing the world with a positive attitude. I have so many friends who either always seem to be in a good mood or who don't let bad things bring them down. I admire them so much for this. Something I'm really working on is not letting things get to me, or get to me enough that it ruins my whole positive perspective on life. I really believe that if you face the world with a smile, the world will smile back. It's just something I have to learn how to do better.
Anyway, I don't mean for this post to hit anyone over the head with lessons. These are merely things that I have found valuable, but of course each person is different and each will find different kinds of inspiration and different ways to bring meaning and purpose into their lives.
And no, that was not a disclaimer. :P
One of the first things I've had to learn was not to compare myself to anyone else. Someone else's success is not my failure. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with me, even if I did not "get" whatever the other person "got." Regardless of what any other person gets or how far any other person goes in any pursuit, I can only get as far and do as well as my efforts and talents allow.
The more you look at what other people are doing in comparison to what you are doing, the more negative feelings you will conjure up towards that other person. Trust me, it's not at all worth it. Feeling those things won't change anything. All it will do is make you frustrated and annoyed at both the other person and yourself. You'll resent the other person for doing well and you'll resent yourself for not performing to your potential and for feeling resentful towards your friend.
Yeah, it's frustrating not to get as good a grade as you want, especially if a friend does better than you in school. It's disappointing, and even somewhat depressing, to wish to get chosen for something and get passed over in favor of your friend. Such things bring competition into places where there should be none. But when such things happen, instead of looking at yourself and feeling resentful about all you're lacking, it's good to realize that you do have talents and that you have a lot more to go in order to reach your potential.
On that note, you always have the chance to grow more in your talents and stretch out your hand farther towards your potential. A grade is not a brand marking you forever as the limit of your abilities. There is always room and opportunity to strive for higher accomplishments. So you don't succeed today. That's okay. There's always tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. Or even the next decade. Today might be someone else's moment, but one day it will be yours, too.
Something else I learned is to stand behind my own words. After all, if I don't stand by myself, who will? If I don't feel confident in what I'm saying, why should anyone take me seriously? Or believe in my ability to get anywhere or accomplish anything? If I write disclaimers before all my stories, it means I don't believe in my own writing! Am I going to be afraid of showing myself to the world forever? Or am I going to stand up and be confident that my opinions count, too, and that they're just as valid as anyone else's?
Sometimes people say things about you that aren't necessarily true or super accurate. Sometimes you even say things about yourself that aren't exactly accurate just to please or pacify someone else. But why should you? Why shouldn't you stand true to who you are?
I'm pretty intimidated about leaving the safety of school and stepping out into the "real" world. No matter what anyone says about the difference between the different stages of schooling (elementary, high school, college) or how on your own you are throughout school, there is always, always, always a difference between being in school and not being in school anymore. School is a place we all know by heart. We are all experts on The System. We can hold that system in our hands and mold it like clay to fit our needs. It's a system we've run around in, tripped over, and learned to balance just right. We know where all the lines are and just how far to push them. We know where we stand when we're in school - any school.
But I don't know the system outside of school. I don't know what is expected of me, where the lines are, or if I can even push them a centimeter. School is like a maze that we can feel our way through instinctively until, suddenly, it is not a maze any longer but a series of passages - some that are well known and some that are secret only to ourselves.
The outside world, to me, does not seem like a series of passages at all. From afar, it looks like a vast, seamless ocean of...a lot going on. There are new rules, new lines. It's a totally new game. I feel like I'm being pushed into the middle of a game of capture the flag and I haven't even been told who's on what team.
But the thing is, when you don't know the rules, if you know yourself then that's at least a start. If you don't know yourself or what you're getting into, that's tricky. Then you could be completely molded by whatever choices you make. Of course, you're always going to be somewhat colored by the environment you're in, but having a strong idea of who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you approve of, what you wish to stay away from...that can help bring some direction, probably. At least - then you won't lose yourself in the vastness of possibilities that are out there. Or, it makes me feel better about it, anyway.
One last thing I'd like to write about here is facing the world with a positive attitude. I have so many friends who either always seem to be in a good mood or who don't let bad things bring them down. I admire them so much for this. Something I'm really working on is not letting things get to me, or get to me enough that it ruins my whole positive perspective on life. I really believe that if you face the world with a smile, the world will smile back. It's just something I have to learn how to do better.
Anyway, I don't mean for this post to hit anyone over the head with lessons. These are merely things that I have found valuable, but of course each person is different and each will find different kinds of inspiration and different ways to bring meaning and purpose into their lives.
And no, that was not a disclaimer. :P
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
My Cover Letter And...Me?
As graduation slowly creeps up on my friends and me, we're all stressing about finding and applying to jobs. When applying, the thing all wiser people emphasize most is that you must have a good cover letter. The cover letter is what potential employers see first, so you have to make them want to consider your resume.
I have written many cover letters in my life, though I suppose not as many as some people, but it's not like I've never written any. Still - when I sat down to write one today, I suddenly felt like the entire thing was so...fake. Not that I was saying anything untrue about myself. It was more like I was taking out anything that makes me sound like a person and turning myself into an impersonal list of accomplishments, instead.
Professionalism suddenly seemed cold and unnatural. Why would someone want to work with a list of accomplishments and skills? What about the person behind the cover letter? Where does she come in? Do you only get to show yourself if you make it past the cover letter/resume stage and receive an interview?
I wondered about how people get chosen for interviews. Is it by being a cover letter as opposed to being a person writing a cover letter? Don't future employers see gazillions of cover letters and resumes? Do they all sound the same? How do you make yours stand out? Is it by doing something extremely unusual and putting that in your cover letter? Or are you allowed to actually use your creative writing skills to make your personality come across in the very first impression these people will receive of you? But then - that is too unprofessional, isn't it?
It sounds almost like all those in the professional world put on a mask of cold properness once they get to work. Is anyone really comfortable like that? Maybe that's why people also go to work in a suit instead of in comfortable clothing. The professional world, apparently, is an extraordinarily uncomfortable place.
And think about what you're doing. You, a person, are writing a letter to a potential employer, another person. Applying for a job should not be this cold, anonymous process where you are stripped of all humanity and become merely a resume. It is not an experience between a piece of paper and an office building. It is an experience between one person and another. There is a real person looking for a way to use her skills in a pleasant setting and make money while doing it, and there is another real person looking for someone to help out. So why does that turn into "To Whom It May Concern: I am an English Major who had these professional and school experiences and have therefore gained these specific skills. Thank you for your consideration." Blah blah blah, I sound just like the fifty billion other English majors who have similar experiences and the same set of skills. And who are also thankful for consideration. I mean, come on.
Where do I fit into my cover letter?
I have written many cover letters in my life, though I suppose not as many as some people, but it's not like I've never written any. Still - when I sat down to write one today, I suddenly felt like the entire thing was so...fake. Not that I was saying anything untrue about myself. It was more like I was taking out anything that makes me sound like a person and turning myself into an impersonal list of accomplishments, instead.
Professionalism suddenly seemed cold and unnatural. Why would someone want to work with a list of accomplishments and skills? What about the person behind the cover letter? Where does she come in? Do you only get to show yourself if you make it past the cover letter/resume stage and receive an interview?
I wondered about how people get chosen for interviews. Is it by being a cover letter as opposed to being a person writing a cover letter? Don't future employers see gazillions of cover letters and resumes? Do they all sound the same? How do you make yours stand out? Is it by doing something extremely unusual and putting that in your cover letter? Or are you allowed to actually use your creative writing skills to make your personality come across in the very first impression these people will receive of you? But then - that is too unprofessional, isn't it?
It sounds almost like all those in the professional world put on a mask of cold properness once they get to work. Is anyone really comfortable like that? Maybe that's why people also go to work in a suit instead of in comfortable clothing. The professional world, apparently, is an extraordinarily uncomfortable place.
And think about what you're doing. You, a person, are writing a letter to a potential employer, another person. Applying for a job should not be this cold, anonymous process where you are stripped of all humanity and become merely a resume. It is not an experience between a piece of paper and an office building. It is an experience between one person and another. There is a real person looking for a way to use her skills in a pleasant setting and make money while doing it, and there is another real person looking for someone to help out. So why does that turn into "To Whom It May Concern: I am an English Major who had these professional and school experiences and have therefore gained these specific skills. Thank you for your consideration." Blah blah blah, I sound just like the fifty billion other English majors who have similar experiences and the same set of skills. And who are also thankful for consideration. I mean, come on.
Where do I fit into my cover letter?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Why I Want To Be A Writer
Ever since I was a little kid, I was writing stories. Most people who want to be writers will tell you that. It is a rather trite thing to say at this point and, truthfully, it doesn't come close to answering why you want to write. Do you want to write because you've been writing ever since you were little?
Sometime yesterday, I said to a friend, "You know, I really miss the Harry Potter books."
I didn't mean I want there to be more of them. I'm certainly not looking for HP8 (heresy, I know, but the series feels over to me). "Over vacation, I want to go back and read Book One," I said. Because that is what I miss. I miss the magic.
The magic in Harry Potter exists not only in the world of Hogwarts. It exists in the way the words travel around your senses and pinch your imagination in little sparks, nudging you here, then over there, then a little to the left, to the right, until you are in love. You don't even know what you are in love with, but you are in love. You want nothing to exist in the world except you and the book you are reading. What's more - it is your book. You don't want to share it with millions of fans. You want it to be yours and yours alone. You want to sit cross-legged on your bed with your hair falling over your face as you read avidly, devouring the book 'til the very end, when you can turn right back to the beginning and devour it again.
But as you sit there on your bed alone in the absolutely lovely world your imagination has created, millions of other children are sitting in the same exact position, equally stirred by the same exact words. If a giant were to stand on our planet and look down at the world, it would see millions of children engrossed in books. And not just children. Teenagers. Adults. People who have sworn off reading long ago. Children who can't be paid to read for school. Everyone.
Reading.
That sight must be one of the most glorious sights in the world. Just imagine every being on this planet pausing in work, in games, in war, in fights, in stress, in time and together stepping through a portal to another world, to a world which hugs you and shows you that evil truly is evil and good is quite good indeed. That it is not the power we have but the choices we make that matter.
"It is our choices, Harry, that show us who we truly are, far more than our abilities," says Dumbledore.
Imagine making the choice to write a book about making good choices. A book about friendship. A book about family. A book about love. About courage. About strength. About never giving up.
In a documentary, J.K. Rowling was asked, "How do you want to be remembered?"
"As someone who did the best she could with the talent she had," she said.
You can watch that part of the documentary here, though I would recommend started from part one if you have time:
We never know what is going to happen to us in our lives. For me, I'm at a significant turning point. I have a little over a month and a half left of college and then...that's it. Then I'm on my own. I don't know what that will come to mean and I don't even know how much I'm looking forward to it, but I also know that by not looking forward to it, I am betraying my more adventurous side. I am suppressing the magic of possibility.
In The Once and Future King, King Arthur, when he is a little boy, gets turned into various animals by Merlin as part of his education. He turns into a fish, a hawk, a goose, even an ant. Later, when he has already become king, Merlin asks him, "Do you remember anything about the magic you had when you were small?"
"No. Did I have some magic? I can remember that I was interested in birds and beasts. Indeed, that is why I still keep my menagerie at the Tower. But I don't remember about magic."
"People don't remember," said Merlin.
When I read that passage, I was overcome by a profound sadness. Only children can experience magic because only their minds allow for that possibility. As they get older, they enter "reality" and all possibility for magic vanishes.
What J.K. Rowling did was reignite the spark of imagination. There don't have to be spells and witches and flying broomsticks in order for magic to exist. Magic lives in the imagination and imagination is what helps us see possibilities in this world.
Writing brings the world to life and that's why I want to write. I want to be involved in the world. I want to be part of the magic. I want to speak to people, but not on a platform. I don't want to be famous like J.K. Rowling. I just want people to pick up something I've written and feel like I've written it specifically for them. I want to explore my world and then share it. I want to make a difference to someone.
I want to bring out the magic.
Most importantly, though, I want to look back on my life and say, "I did the best with the talent I had."
Sometime yesterday, I said to a friend, "You know, I really miss the Harry Potter books."
I didn't mean I want there to be more of them. I'm certainly not looking for HP8 (heresy, I know, but the series feels over to me). "Over vacation, I want to go back and read Book One," I said. Because that is what I miss. I miss the magic.
The magic in Harry Potter exists not only in the world of Hogwarts. It exists in the way the words travel around your senses and pinch your imagination in little sparks, nudging you here, then over there, then a little to the left, to the right, until you are in love. You don't even know what you are in love with, but you are in love. You want nothing to exist in the world except you and the book you are reading. What's more - it is your book. You don't want to share it with millions of fans. You want it to be yours and yours alone. You want to sit cross-legged on your bed with your hair falling over your face as you read avidly, devouring the book 'til the very end, when you can turn right back to the beginning and devour it again.
But as you sit there on your bed alone in the absolutely lovely world your imagination has created, millions of other children are sitting in the same exact position, equally stirred by the same exact words. If a giant were to stand on our planet and look down at the world, it would see millions of children engrossed in books. And not just children. Teenagers. Adults. People who have sworn off reading long ago. Children who can't be paid to read for school. Everyone.
Reading.
That sight must be one of the most glorious sights in the world. Just imagine every being on this planet pausing in work, in games, in war, in fights, in stress, in time and together stepping through a portal to another world, to a world which hugs you and shows you that evil truly is evil and good is quite good indeed. That it is not the power we have but the choices we make that matter.
"It is our choices, Harry, that show us who we truly are, far more than our abilities," says Dumbledore.
Imagine making the choice to write a book about making good choices. A book about friendship. A book about family. A book about love. About courage. About strength. About never giving up.
In a documentary, J.K. Rowling was asked, "How do you want to be remembered?"
"As someone who did the best she could with the talent she had," she said.
You can watch that part of the documentary here, though I would recommend started from part one if you have time:
We never know what is going to happen to us in our lives. For me, I'm at a significant turning point. I have a little over a month and a half left of college and then...that's it. Then I'm on my own. I don't know what that will come to mean and I don't even know how much I'm looking forward to it, but I also know that by not looking forward to it, I am betraying my more adventurous side. I am suppressing the magic of possibility.
In The Once and Future King, King Arthur, when he is a little boy, gets turned into various animals by Merlin as part of his education. He turns into a fish, a hawk, a goose, even an ant. Later, when he has already become king, Merlin asks him, "Do you remember anything about the magic you had when you were small?"
"No. Did I have some magic? I can remember that I was interested in birds and beasts. Indeed, that is why I still keep my menagerie at the Tower. But I don't remember about magic."
"People don't remember," said Merlin.
When I read that passage, I was overcome by a profound sadness. Only children can experience magic because only their minds allow for that possibility. As they get older, they enter "reality" and all possibility for magic vanishes.
What J.K. Rowling did was reignite the spark of imagination. There don't have to be spells and witches and flying broomsticks in order for magic to exist. Magic lives in the imagination and imagination is what helps us see possibilities in this world.
Writing brings the world to life and that's why I want to write. I want to be involved in the world. I want to be part of the magic. I want to speak to people, but not on a platform. I don't want to be famous like J.K. Rowling. I just want people to pick up something I've written and feel like I've written it specifically for them. I want to explore my world and then share it. I want to make a difference to someone.
I want to bring out the magic.
Most importantly, though, I want to look back on my life and say, "I did the best with the talent I had."
Friday, March 20, 2009
Disillusionment, Perhaps
There are certain times in a person's life where he or she might feel somewhat disillusioned. Things become hazy with change and you're not sure where you fit into it all anymore. The loneliness of having to take care of yourself sets in and the weight of a self-journey becomes heavy. You realize that no matter what you might have thought, or even what other people say, all you've really got is yourself. So you think you've taken off the rosy glasses that have, until now, shown you a warmer world, but then you're not sure if perhaps you've put on different glasses. That the world isn't as cold as you perceive but that you're just feeling a bit over-dramatic. And though you try to work through the haze for your own path out of it, you keep messing up. You look back too much and it makes you want to stay, but you know you can't. You don't want to be alone on this journey but it seems you have to be. And though you know what you have to do, you stumble along the way because this is not something you've ever done before. It is unfamiliar. You run from it as much as you climb towards it. And after some time, you're not sure anymore what is illusion and what is real, which feelings are warranted and which are not, who will still be there on the other end and who are you leaving behind.
And who will you be when it is all over?
And who will you be when it is all over?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Waiting Room
It's one of the worst places to be. You're in this empty, colorless room with four walls and a ceiling that aren't really there, except they're so tangible it's as if they actually are. And you wait and wait and wait for something to happen because it's either not time yet to proceed in certain directions or you've tried to proceed in others and they haven't worked out and you don't know how to go about trying again. And you feel discouraged from trying again. Except how can you be beaten? You're 22 years old. Are you going to be defeated that easily? You've barely made an impression on life yet and already you feel like you're not going to get anywhere. What happened to being hopeful? What happened to seeing possibilities?
Except it feels like whenever possibilities float up ahead, close enough to see them but too far to touch them, if you try to touch them, they disappear. "Not for you!" they tease as they bounce away. No, not for you.
So then what are you to do? Pick yourself up? But how? Where are you to turn next? You want to get out of this stifling, suffocating waiting room but you just don't know how. You can't stand to wait any longer! You pound on the walls and kick them and beat against them and cry out for someone to show you the way outside, because you've looked but you can't find it. And you sink down in a corner and hide your face, afraid, hiding from the idea that you could be stuck in there forever.
And all along a little voice buzzes in your ear saying, "you have the power to get out, you know." But you swat at it in frustration because you don't know how to have the power to get out. What does that mean? What are you meant to do?
You know that somehow it's your own fault you're stuck there, but you don't know how to fix it. How do you fix it?
Except it feels like whenever possibilities float up ahead, close enough to see them but too far to touch them, if you try to touch them, they disappear. "Not for you!" they tease as they bounce away. No, not for you.
So then what are you to do? Pick yourself up? But how? Where are you to turn next? You want to get out of this stifling, suffocating waiting room but you just don't know how. You can't stand to wait any longer! You pound on the walls and kick them and beat against them and cry out for someone to show you the way outside, because you've looked but you can't find it. And you sink down in a corner and hide your face, afraid, hiding from the idea that you could be stuck in there forever.
And all along a little voice buzzes in your ear saying, "you have the power to get out, you know." But you swat at it in frustration because you don't know how to have the power to get out. What does that mean? What are you meant to do?
You know that somehow it's your own fault you're stuck there, but you don't know how to fix it. How do you fix it?
Sunday, February 8, 2009
The Problem With Advice
Advice, especially when actively sought after, can be extremely helpful. But when people give you advice, they are missing one crucial thing. They are not you.
Sometimes a thing may have a practical answer, but it is in your best interest to reject it anyway. Not always. Not even necessarily most of the time. But when it comes to certain things about yourself (that are not harmful), sometimes you know best.
For example:
When I was younger, I was in the middle of reading a certain YA book and decided to write to the author. I confided in her various difficulties I was having with my amateur writing abilities. Her response to me: Maybe you shouldn't be a writer.
I can't even begin to describe the pang those few words gave me. The sinking feeling that what I wanted to do most - even at that young age - was being snatched from my grasp all because I mustered the courage to ask for advice. And then, in anger, I decided this author knew nothing about me, that she was a horrible person for discouraging a young kid, and I boycotted her books. I marched straight to the library and returned the one I was in the middle of - and I have never read a single book by her since.
It's always good to listen to advice. You never know when someone's going to say something useful. But it's even more important to remember that you know yourself best, that advice comes with a choice, it's just an option, not something binding that you must follow.
Even more - it's crucial not to feel discouraged just because someone else thinks you're not good enough. What does that person know?
Sometimes you just have to listen to yourself.
Sometimes a thing may have a practical answer, but it is in your best interest to reject it anyway. Not always. Not even necessarily most of the time. But when it comes to certain things about yourself (that are not harmful), sometimes you know best.
For example:
When I was younger, I was in the middle of reading a certain YA book and decided to write to the author. I confided in her various difficulties I was having with my amateur writing abilities. Her response to me: Maybe you shouldn't be a writer.
I can't even begin to describe the pang those few words gave me. The sinking feeling that what I wanted to do most - even at that young age - was being snatched from my grasp all because I mustered the courage to ask for advice. And then, in anger, I decided this author knew nothing about me, that she was a horrible person for discouraging a young kid, and I boycotted her books. I marched straight to the library and returned the one I was in the middle of - and I have never read a single book by her since.
It's always good to listen to advice. You never know when someone's going to say something useful. But it's even more important to remember that you know yourself best, that advice comes with a choice, it's just an option, not something binding that you must follow.
Even more - it's crucial not to feel discouraged just because someone else thinks you're not good enough. What does that person know?
Sometimes you just have to listen to yourself.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
A Request Or Two
Very rarely do I have an actual request for my readers, but now I come to you with two:
1. If one consistently cannot sleep at night due to a cough and cough medicine is not working, what does work? I'm getting somewhat frustrated on having not gotten a real night's sleep for about three or four nights now.
2. Does anyone have any connections or know anything about working in book editing/publishing, specifically children's books (although I'd be happy to hear about other genres, as well)? If you do or know someone who does, would you be able to email me about it? You can get my email from clicking on the link to my profile.
Thanks so much.
P.S. Refuah shelaima to the entire world.
1. If one consistently cannot sleep at night due to a cough and cough medicine is not working, what does work? I'm getting somewhat frustrated on having not gotten a real night's sleep for about three or four nights now.
2. Does anyone have any connections or know anything about working in book editing/publishing, specifically children's books (although I'd be happy to hear about other genres, as well)? If you do or know someone who does, would you be able to email me about it? You can get my email from clicking on the link to my profile.
Thanks so much.
P.S. Refuah shelaima to the entire world.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Question
(Hat tip: Ezzie)
Well...what do YOU want to do with the rest of YOUR life?
Personally, the lighthouse idea sounds kinda cool... :)
Well...what do YOU want to do with the rest of YOUR life?Personally, the lighthouse idea sounds kinda cool... :)
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Um...
April Fool's?
Sorry if I had anyone completely fooled. There's no way I'd really last in Med School. :)
Sorry if I had anyone completely fooled. There's no way I'd really last in Med School. :)
Monday, December 1, 2008
Switching Gears
I've done it. I've figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I can't believe it took me this long!
I've always liked helping people. Those who know me well can vouch for it. I like to listen, I like to be there for people, I go out of my way to help them and I like doing all that. And ever since I was a little kid, I've had a slight hero-complex (I used to have dreams about single-handedly ending wars - especially WWII, bringing peace to Israel, etc).
So what better path in life than...medical school?
Seriously.
Okay, so I pass out at the sight of blood and I hate needles - but these are fears that can be overcome, right?
Come on, why not? All I have to do is take calculus and a whole bunch of science classes, and that will probably require me to stay extra at Stern, but...so? I've already got horrible handwriting...!
I've always liked helping people. Those who know me well can vouch for it. I like to listen, I like to be there for people, I go out of my way to help them and I like doing all that. And ever since I was a little kid, I've had a slight hero-complex (I used to have dreams about single-handedly ending wars - especially WWII, bringing peace to Israel, etc).
So what better path in life than...medical school?
Seriously.
Okay, so I pass out at the sight of blood and I hate needles - but these are fears that can be overcome, right?
Come on, why not? All I have to do is take calculus and a whole bunch of science classes, and that will probably require me to stay extra at Stern, but...so? I've already got horrible handwriting...!
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