Confessions Of All The Teenage Drama Queens Requested

(Today my dad insisted that I write about something controversial. I'm pretty non-confrontational and I actually have no desire to push anyone's buttons, so I'm going to compromise and, instead, heavily criticize something I know is very popular that I just can't stand. I know that's not the same as being controversial, but that's the best I can offer at this present time)

Just out of curiosity...

What's with all the Twilight hype?

I finally read the book and found it to be poorly written, the plot unoriginal and stupid, the characters pretty flat, and Edward more annoyingly stalkerish than attractive. The romance wasn't even done well. It was irritating, over-the-top, and I didn't believe it for a second.

I just don't get it. Am I the only sane person out there? Is there something I'm just not understanding? Has the quality of literature diminished so far that people actually think this stuff is good?

I'm all for people reading novels they can actually understand as opposed to more difficult literary works - that's fine with me. Not everyone is an English major. But there is still a difference between well-written, well-plotted stories and, well, trash.

I've heard, on numerous occasions, Twilight being called the next Harry Potter. Come on! Even Harry Potter wasn't the best written of novels, but at least it was a good story, had a good plot, and had some really fun characters. Twilight has none of that. I'm sorry. It's too trite. Too cliche. Too obvious. Too dull. I was bored while reading it. I have absolutely no desire to read the other ones in the series. It actually made me nauseous just to read the first one. The overly sappy romance on every single page made me want to just barf.

Is it that our society craves soap operas? Is it that people are so unsatisfied with their own relationships, they live vicariously through characters flat enough that anyone can insert herself in? Is it that people thrive on heavy gossip? Is this why so many teenage girls are obsessed with Gossip Girl? One Tree Hill? The OC? I don't get it. Can't people go and live their own lives instead of spending an eternity wishing they had the thrilling (???) drama of fictional characters? Trust me, there's enough real drama out there. You don't need TV and novels to provide it for you. No, you're not going to fall in love with a vampire, though. Sorry. But so what? Do you want to live in the world? Or do you want to live on TV?

I mean, on the one hand, some of the fun of reading is because things happen in books that don't necessarily happen in life and it's fun to pretend, for a few hours, that they could. But on the other hand, be careful what you let suck you in. It's a mistake to think that just because a character is described as good looking, that he is a good character. Just because a character is "hot" doesn't mean he's complex! Edward is in no way complex. Sorry. Neither is Bella. She's too flat. She has none of the complexities of human beings. She's too perfect. Making her a klutz does not give her realistic character flaws. It's very superficial. It makes no sense that every single boy in her school should be obsessed with her. It makes no sense that she has no sense of self-preservation. It makes no sense that she would not care that Edward has been spying on her every night the entire school year. Where is the tension here???

Our society seems to settle for stories that are way too simplistic if it actually thinks that a human girl falling in love with a hot vampire - and then nothing much happening except their constantly professing their love to each other and saving each other from random things - is a good story.

If you really want to read an exciting vampire thriller/romance, stick with Dracula. Seriously. Not that Dracula is spectacularly written either, but at least it's a much better story!

It actually truly bothers me that so, so, so many girls will become obsessed with a book, or a TV show, or a movie just because the guy is really good looking. Is everyone that shallow?

A HOT GUY DOES NOT A GOOD STORY MAKE.

And if people can no longer tell the difference between something well-written and something trashy, then I mourn for our literary future. I really, really do.

Forbear! Which here means, don't continue reading this post if you are looking for something cheerfully remniscent of a novel by the PT

Today we had our last Gothic Novel class! This makes me very sad. I really learned a lot in that class and, oddly, I've become less afraid of certain things. I think the more you understand something, the less scary it becomes. So a book which may have seemed terrifying to me under normal circumstances became a lot less scary when I understood all the Gothic elements it was using. The class also forced me to face certain things like Dracula and Wieland and Turn of the Screw which I never would have readily faced on my own. I'm glad I did.

As I was walking back from class, I randomly started to compare Voldemort and Dracula in my head. They really are quite similar.

1. They are both somewhat dead but undead and require the destruction of certain items in order to be defeated
2. They both have a psychic link to one of their victims
3. They each are the direct cause of a scar on a victim's forehead, and that scar symbolizes the victim's connection with impurity/evil
4. RED EYES. That's a big one. They're both described as having "gleaming red eyes," a feature their victims take instant notice of
5. Voldemort needs Harry's blood to be revived. Dracula also needs blood to be revived.
6. There is a huge buildup to the final confrontation with each, and then each becomes much too easy to defeat

Anyway, I'm sure there are more similarities, but that's all I can think of for right now.

I suppose this post was not as dismal as I made it out to seem from the title. At least, not until now. But here is where it gets really awful. I'm serious. Don't say I didn't warn you. In fact, you know what, I don't trust you not to read ahead at all. I know you will, so I'm going to write it out in code and then bury it away so only the extraordinarily brave and extremely lucky shall be able to find it.

HAHA MADE YOU LOOK! Nuthing lik a gud jok in invizabil inc! :D

There.

I hope you're satisfied now.

In the middle of the night

So really I'm procrastinating by writing this post because I'm supposed to be writing a paper now. But I felt the need to share this with you (mostly because it's something to do other than writing a paper).

First of all, I am so proud of myself because I never made it this far in Dracula before. Last year when I had to read it, I sort of, um, skipped out at a certain point. I just couldn't find time to read it because it had to be either in the middle of the day with lots of people around or not at all, and certainly not before I went to sleep, like when I did the rest of my reading. But this year I have been reading it before I go to bed and, granted, it does not make for a good night's sleep, but I don't even care about that. I just care about the fact that I am not chickening out. Now, sure, I was already in a class that read Dracula so I know what happens. Nothing I'm reading is a surprise to me. But still, it's one thing to know and another to read all the details.

Anyway, I was listening to my itunes the other day and realized that a certain Billy Joel song is just perfect for everyone in Dracula. If it was made into a lighthearted musical, I mean.

In the Middle of the Night

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To the river so deep
I must be looking for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross

And even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
I'm a searcher for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose
Something somebody stole

I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't wanna walk anymore
Hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night

I'm not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is running to the promised land

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night

Okay! Now you can all go back to whatever it was you were doing before you decided to waste a precious minute or two that probably should have been spent doing other things reading my nonsense procrastination. :D

HO NO!

It is that time of year again. The time when I sleep with my desk light on and don't like to close my eyes at night (which consequently means I'm not sleeping) and don't look in mirrors for too long.

What time of year is this, you may ask?

DRACULA TIME.

The same thing happened last spring! You might recall I had to read Dracula for my film and fiction class (OMG CREEPY. IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME TIME OF YEAR).

Now, the book itself is not too frightening, but when you've got images in your head of the Coppola movie (with Gary Oldman as Dracula - that's right, go ahead and ruin my image of Sirius Black!), well, it's pretty scary (except for when he's wearing those sunglasses. Those just make him look ridiculous). There's one scene in particular which freaked me out when I read it, freaked me out even more when I saw it in the movie, and is freaking me out again - the scene with the mirror. Here's what happens:

Jonathan Harker is looking in a mirror, shaving. Dracula comes up behind him. Jonathan Harker does not see anything in his mirror. Suddenly, Dracula reaches out and touches his shoulder.

THIS IS SCARY.

I love my gothic novel class very much (it's probably one of my favorites this semester) and I AM glad we're reading Dracula because, gosh darn it, I HAVE to overcome these ridiculous fears. But but but--!

It's this weird thing. I can't explain it. On the one hand, I'm afraid. On the other hand, I enjoy being so afraid. It makes me feel stronger, in a way, because I'm forcing myself to face things I'm scared of facing (I do have limits about this, though. There's scary, and then there's gross. I don't go for gross. Just scary). Plus, if you live your life never in fear of anything, well, that's got to be pretty boring, you know? It keeps you on your toes! And it makes you a stronger person and allows you to grow.

As scared as I am of vampires, you should also know that when I was a little kid in sleep away camp, a friend and I used to pretend to be vampire slayers and we would creep around the outside of our bunk at night slaying imaginary vampires (and no, I never watched Buffy).

In any case. I just needed to get all this out. Scariness.

To make Dracula far less frightening, I'm going to retell it...the PT style:

Nuthing lik a vampir

by erasha

(grat buk!)

In the morning, I luk in a mirror.

Drakyula dusn't lik to not vare.

AAAAA where my clothing is? (where is my clothing?)

Over thar, that is war it is. [image of count scaling down castle in harker's suit]

(what's going on in the cage?)

(that's the vampire cage)

(you have a cage for vampires?)

(yeah! the vampires like to be up there!)

AAAAA! Don't wure, we don't needa suc all the blud today.

Hmmm.

Wuat cind of vampir is this!?

Grad F!

Wuat!

You didn't get a gud grad on this.

Ho boy. Are you gonna leave the cassle? Do you wanna have wafers wen we get home?

Uh, no, I'm gonna stay at the cassle.

OkI'mleevingwithoutyoug'bye.

Dreeeeaaaaming.... (doo doo doo doo)

(what are you dreaming of?)

F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F

The ledder F is so good. It stand for your last name...Frangin.

Ugh, why do I cep getting F's?

Because your last name is Frangin.

Hmmm, maybe your grads are good. F for frendly vampir. A for attack.

Vaaaampirs are mor importint evre uther day!

The end.

(other versions can be found here and here)

Are there any books you guys find particularly frightening? Or am I the only weirdo out there?

Also, I thought this was apropos: