Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Unjustified

So many people are so stressed out about so many different things. My stress does not come from schoolwork. It does not come from too much on my plate. No, it comes solely and completely from myself and my inability to give up on the things that I love. I wish I had too much on my plate. I wish I was stressed about something that I had to do and work really hard on but at the end of the day was really, really proud of. But I'm not. Because, you see, aside from writing, anything else I like I never get to work on.

Okay, enough skirting around the point. I wasn't going to write about this. It's self-created drama with myself (okay, that was redundant) and the whole world doesn't need to hear about it. But then again, it's been bothering me all night. I mean, I'm not doing my schoolwork, I'm just kind of hanging out in my room not doing particularly anything at all. I even went down to the C-Store thinking that maybe I was hungry, spent about fifteen minutes meandering around in there, and then left without getting something because I suddenly realized I wasn't hungry, after all.

This is going to sound stupid. It's going to sound completely absurd and like I'm turning something trivial into a big deal. It's just, well.

I don't know how to write about this without coming off like a complete prat. But it just makes me so sad...so very, very sad that I, well, I don't make any appearance in the school play. I mean, none. I have a tiny part as it is, but not only is it small - it's said from backstage. As in - I do not actually step foot on the actual stage.

Well, not technically true. We're doing Little Shop of Horrors. I get to be inside the plant making it move around and stuff. I know, I know, it sounds really cool. And, to be honest, I'm excited about doing it. But I'm not, you know, the voice of the plant. I mean, my mother's going to come to this show and not even see me. I don't have to do any acting at all. Even my speaking part has very little acting. I'm a radio interviewer, for crying out loud. I have about five lines that don't say very much and they're said from backstage. Anyone could do it.

I don't want to whine, I don't want to complain, I'm not fighting this. I don't know why I'm not just quitting, but maybe it's because I really do want to work inside the plant. Maybe it's because I can't turn my back on theater, I love it so much. But I just feel...I don't know. Jipped. I mean, I always feel this way. I always get the really, really, really cruddy parts in plays. Maybe I think I'm a better actress than I actually am. I don't know. But it bothers me. I mean, why would God give me such passion for acting and for the theater, if He then doesn't let me actually do anything with it? Does anyone understand how incredibly frustrating it is to watch everyone else work so hard on their parts and complain and stress and complain and stress and then be really, really happy at the end and do a wonderful job and get congratulated...and you can't? And you're not a part of that?

Oh, yes, sure. Everyone is crucial to the play, etc. etc. etc. But I can't help but believe that most of that speech is pity talk. Even if they need someone to do the plant, even if they need someone to be the radio announcer, they don't need me to do it. Anyone could. Who am I in this production? Who am I in any production I've ever been in?

Nobody.

When it comes to plays, I just feel like I'm such a nobody. I keep trying to tell myself it's not important, it's not what matters, it's just a stupid play, but it's not. I love it, I have such passion for it. In every play I've been in, I always know everyone's lines by heart, even before they do! I act it out in front of my mirror, wishing, just wishing I could play a real character, someone with personality, someone who has something to say, something real to say.

I just wish someone would give me that chance - even just once.

And what's harder - when you have a tiny part, you're never justified for anything. There's no reason you shouldn't know your lines perfectly, there's no reason you should feel stressed out, there's no reason anyone should cater anything to your schedule because, come on, how much are you really being asked to do?

And people can snap at you because they're so stressed with their big parts, their important roles, their roles where their parents can actually be proud of them for accomplishing something and where people can be impressed by them and where they can feel proud of themselves. And where they can actually have fun. And where they're at every practice and get every single private joke. And you get so overlooked. You don't even know whether you're really included when people talk about "the cast." And people are rude to you when it gets close to the show - the other actors, I mean - and they don't notice it, nor do they mean it, but they're just so stressed and there's such high tension - but for you there's not. For you, you feel it when you get snapped at, when other's take out their high stress level on you, but you're expected to excuse it. And you do excuse it, of course. But it still hurts you. And these people are your friends, normally.

And all this, I know this is all going to happen. It happens every time. That's just the way theater is. I guess all I'm saying is, it's hard to be the small guy. And nothing about it is ever justified.

7 comments:

haKiruv said...

I haven't been feeling much like myself lately either. I think it's a my new job, lack of sleep and school stress. Speaking of which, I need to get to bed.

I find it funny you used the term "Jipped". I have an ironic sense of humor though.

Ezzie said...

[wince] Ouch.

Scraps said...

That's really tough. I can relate. It's true, while they might not intend to hurt you, they will still say and do things that are hurtful. And because they will be unaware of how their behavior is affecting you, they will think you're overreacting if you don't just swallow hard and try to smile even though you can feel the sting of tears in your eyes.

I'm sorry things went down this way. You can always email me if you want a little sympathy...

the apple said...

I'm so, so sorry. :(

It's really hard to cast a show. It is.

Not to mention that Little Shop of Horrors isn't exactly a show with many main parts . . . it has like four or so to be exact, so to be perfectly honest, it wasn't the best choice of musical considering that we have a cast of 40-odd performers.

I don't want to invalidate anything you've said, because I 100% understand and sympathize. I hope you can still have a good experience and that you should know that you can come talk to us if you are dissatisfied with what is going on. (I mean it. There might be changes made down the road [don't tell anyone I said that] and you should get on the list of people who would want things to be changed re their roles.)

And please accept my sincere apologies. I didn't know what all the parts were when we were casting, and if I had known that the radio interviewer wasn't an onstage part, I would have said something. I'm really, really sorry.

:(

arade89 said...

well, i can give you one reason not to quit at least: who would i share my man-eating plant puppet operation thingy with? i need you with me inside that plant! don't go anywhere!

Erachet said...

Eee! You're in the plant with me? Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere - and now my radio interviewer part is on stage, too! But I'm really psyched for doing the plant puppet thing. So yay! We're gonna have a party in the plant! :D

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