So it recently came to my attention that I might quite possibly graduate college next June. Or May. Or whenever graduation is. In any event, the point is, I have no plan for what I'm going to do after graduation. I really want to go to graduate school but then the question is, where? You see, ever since I was a little nine-year-old pisher in a Religious Zionist summer camp, I have been announcing to the world that I'm going to make Aliyah when I grow up. Well, here I am, nearly grown up and terribly, terribly afraid of the fact that, according to my plans from little-kiddom, I should technically be making Aliyah next summer.
WHAT?
Yes, my point exactly.
I love Israel. I do. It is truly my home and I don't believe the future of the Jewish people is anywhere but there. Not in Uganda. Not in New York City. No, not even in Honesdale, Pennsylvania (which, by the way, has its own website!). But the thing is, I'm not ready for such a big change in my life. Not yet. And to be honest, I don't have a good idea of when I'll be ready at all. I mean, I do want to live in Israel eventually. I don't know, maybe I'll feel more ready making Aliyah with a husband, or a future husband. And I do have tons of friends there, so it isn't as though I'd be alone if I made Aliyah now. I have a whole network of friends in Israel. So the issue isn't social. The issue is my own maturity, I guess. I'm not ready to leave my family. I have grandparents who live in Israel, but the rest of my family is here, in America. My family has already gone on various vacations without me (incidentally, I had been in Israel each time for various reasons) which makes me feel left out from key family experiences and I'm not ready yet to separate from them for real. It's frightening enough being the oldest and being the first to have to grow up and deal with growing up and slowly but surely not being home all that much anymore and maybe even moving out in a couple of years, I don't know, but moving to a whole other country where I don't even like or feel comfortable with the culture? I mean, Israelis are wonderful but, well, I'm just not one. And I don't think I'll ever be one, you know? I mean, I don't want to be one of those Americans who moves to Israel and lives in Beit Shemesh and never has to learn a word of Hebrew (I'm exaggerating here, bear with me). But I definitely don't want to live in an all Israeli community either. I'm American culture-wise through and through. My personality is anything but Israeli.
So what do I do? I grew up Bnei Akiva all over, Zionistic, must be in Israel every free second I have, etc. And now I'm suddenly getting cold feet. I'm just not ready. But what scares me is that so many of my friends are ready. A lot are there already and others will God willing be there very soon. And what about me? I'm just floundering around here, trying to figure out what I'm doing for the rest of my life because, heck, now my decisions actually matter. It isn't simply a matter of, oh, if I go to this high school it's a twenty minute drive in this direction and if I go to that high school it's twenty minutes the other way, or if I go to this college I get a car and if I go to this one I don't have to live at home every day. Now it's, if I want to live in Israel, it makes more sense to go to graduate school there, considering that's where I'll be getting a job, but since I'm not ready yet to take that step in my life, I'll just go to graduate school here because, oh yeah, I'm studying English so better to study that in a country that actually speaks it as its primary language. Right? Right? I mean, fancy studying English in a country that has a "Lincolin Street" because they transliterated the silent 'l' in Lincoln!
But everyone expects me to make Aliyah, is the thing. It's what I'm supposed to do. It's the road I've paved for myself. I sort of boxed myself into it without realizing what I was doing, and now if I don't, or if I don't yet, I'll just be another one of those who rants and raves about living in Israel but doesn't actually do it herself. And I don't want to be that person. I don't. It's so...hypocritical. Either live there, or don't preach to others about it. Not everyone can make Aliyah just yet. Not everyone's ready. It isn't as easy as simply hopping on a plane, even if you do actually have the money for it.
Yes, we all belong in Israel. Israel is our homeland. It should be the ideal, number one choice for where a Jew chooses to live. But that's so much easier said than done.
3 comments:
I absolutely loved this post.
Good luck with your decision.
Great, great post.
Do what's best for you, always. My sister always swore she'd be the one making aliyah pretty fast, and now she's turning 30, still in Baltimore. But that's because it hasn't made sense for them to move for a variety of reasons - now, they're looking into it again, but are finding that they can't quite afford it yet. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, was able to do afford it, and they moved two years ago.
In their cases they weren't or aren't ready financially, so they waited or are waiting. The same obviously should apply if you're not ready mentally or emotionally, and being single is another huge factor. But make sure that if you really want it, that you'll consistently be figuring out how and when you will make that move when you are ready.
(That's kind of what we're doing now.)
Good luck!
Firstly, graduation is in May. It's usually the Thursday before Memorial Day (I say usually because this year it's not).
Now, about the Aliyah thing. I definitely hear what you're saying, and I also know people who plan to make aliyah right after graduation, but not everyone is ready for that. If you don't feel comfortable making aliyah yet, there's no reason to do it and make your life harder. I don't think anyone, even the most fanatical of all B"A people, would say that you have to make aliyah right this second if it's going to make you uncomfortable. Wait until you're ready. And I'm sure you'll be able to find a place to live that isn't entirely American but has enough American culture to make it less uncomfortable for you. One of the great things about Israel is that there are so many different types of people and communities and you can find almost anything there (in terms of community, at least).
And as for graduate school, I think it depends somewhat on what you want to do. American grad schools probably have better English programs, but you need to make sure that you can get where you want to go with an American degree.
Okay, I think that's pretty much all I have to say.
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