Thursday, December 10, 2009

Past Life

I've always felt it was stupid to judge people based on where they went to school or similar things of the past. You never know what that person was like then, what the person is like now, etc. I know I don't like being seen in certain ways just because I've gone certain places in my past. I'm nothing like what one would associate with the places I've been.

And yet I find myself doing it to others. I find that I have a particular aversion to dating people who have been certain places because I don't want to go back there myself. I've moved forward from those places and I want to continue moving forward and away, not back.

I feel terrible for doing what I would hate for someone to do to me. So why am I doing it? It's instinct almost. I know in my head that this is not something I agree with, but emotionally I am saying, "No, no, no, I don't want that!"

For the first time, I have really begun to feel comfortable with where I am religiously and I want someone who will help pull me further along this path, not bring me back to where I once was. So maybe that is why I am so wary of certain things about people. I don't know.

Does this justify it? I know it doesn't. But I wish I could somehow get it through to people that I'm not looking for what they think I'm looking for. Unless I'm just being completely thick about the whole thing.

I guess being so quiet and introverted really does not allow people to see who I am, what I believe, and what kind of person I've become. I just do it to myself - all the misunderstanding people have. And then I go and misunderstand other people. Or do I? I don't know. I don't think I do, except I must, because I know people don't know me, so that must mean that when I think I know something about someone, I really don't know them either. Especially if I've never met them.

Oh bother. Why do I have to form opinions?


Shades of Grey said...

I can relate to this very well. Upon achieving a significant spiritual growth in Israel (after a somewhat rapid and turbulent discovery/ascent in religiosity in highschool), I often wonder where my own limits are on certain things (popular culture for one) when it comes to potential shidduchim.

For example, if I am not entirely anti-TV/movies, is it wrong to turn down a suggestion who writes on her YUConnects profile "definitely" for owning a TV, going to movies, and watching movies at home - and further affirms her regular devotion to these things in her "about me" section, given that I know I am not so comfortable with that?

Another intersting personal conflict - even though I am a Ba'al Teshuva, I've never gone out with another BT. It's not that I have anything against such a girl (that would be utterly hypocritical anyway), but is it wrong for me to want religious in-laws as a change of pace from my own family (not to knock them either)? This also happens to be more of a chance thing of who I've been set up with, but it is interesting nonetheless.

Rav Golvicht tells the guys in his annual Chayei Sarah dating tips shiur that past really doesn't matter. If you heard that someone wasn't such a tzadik/tzadaikess in high school, that really shouldn't matter if they are more serious, sound people now. In any case, he says, we probably weren't the biggest learners/most religious people then at any rate. I definitely agree that considering things in the here and now takes precedence with regard to a potential shidduch.

Thanks for the stimulating post.

Dalia said...

I always find it hard to move past my own emotional ties once I've made up my mind. I think it's some of the strongest investments, good or bad, we can make.