Soaking It Up

Sometimes it's amazing how much you can learn just from watching your friends. It's not that you learn something so obscure - most things are rather obvious. But when I really feel that people I know are behaving in admirable ways, it makes me feel good: about them and about good habits I am picking up from them.

I think in general, it is good to surround yourself with people who help you become a better you. They don't even have to know that's what they're doing, and they don't even have to be trying.

On the flip side, sometimes you can learn how not to behave from observing people behaving incorrectly.

I know this is all super obvious, but I was just thinking about it tonight. Well, I've thought about it before, but I decided to write about it tonight, anyway. Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming a richer person by surrounding myself with good people, or just by encountering them during my day, even if I don't actually know them for longer than five minutes. I like soaking it all up. And I like deciding not to behave in certain ways. All this makes me feel like I'm learning to know myself better. :) (A bit late, huh? I'm already 23.)

Familiar Faces

I just spent my first Shabbos ever in the Heights.

In some ways, I liked it much better than I thought I would. I was incredibly nervous to stay in for the first time - and alone. None of my apartment mates were in for Shabbos. After the last one left, I really felt emptiness settle in over the apartment. It wasn't like being alone at home - the Heights is still very new to me. It was like being alone in a new environment.

When I first realized that I was going to be alone in the apartment and that a lot of people were going home this weekend, I was sorely tempted to do the same. It would be easier. I wouldn't have to agonize over finding meals (which were hard to come by, since most people were not going to be in the Heights), and I wouldn't have to face the Heights on Shabbos for the first time alone.

But then I got annoyed with myself. Was I so insecure that any time Shabbos proved a bit difficult, I would go running home? What kind of independent young woman was that? So I made myself stay and I'm glad I did. Nor was I as alone as I felt I would be - at least, not most of the time.

Though I had never been to Mt. Sinai (the shul) before, I had heard a lot about it. I'd heard it described as "overwhelming," "such a social scene," and even "meat market." I have friends who "don't like Mt. Sinai" because it's too much of a "scene."

I have no way to compare it to anything because the only time I was there was last night. To be honest, I liked the fact that I was in a completely new place and yet knew so many people when I walked into shul. It made me feel less alone. And I feel like the scene is only there if you stick around for it and make sure you get in on it. Otherwise, who cares if there are a lot of people around? If you don't like it, you don't have to socialize with everyone there. No one's making you, you know? But then again, like I said, I was only there for last night's davening and it was kinda an off week - a lot of people were away because of Labor Day Weekend (side note: when I was in Israel for the year, the British girls were so confused why we had a day called Labor Day. They thought it sounded like a day when all women go into labor or something. Other side note: my bat mitzvah was on Labor Day. This year will be 11 years since my bat mitzvah. Yikes).

Anyway, I felt a lot better (and I mean a lot) when a particular friend walked in. You know how sometimes, when you're in a new place, or a strange place, and a friend from a much more familiar place in your life walks in, you just feel all your nerves rush out of you like jelly? And everything suddenly feels completely safe? Well, that's what it felt like. I was so astonished and happy and relieved.

Then I went to C2 for the Friday night meal. Two other girls were there and it was really, really nice. What was funny was that all Shabbos, I kept meeting people who are in school for education, which is what I want to do - and not only that, but in the two particular schools I'm looking into.

Night was harder. I was alone in my apartment, which wouldn't have been so bad except I felt awful. I really felt sick. I felt so bad that it actually kept me up nearly all night, and for the two or three hours that I slept some, I had really bad, detailed dreams where I was getting bitten by scorpions and other unpleasant things that hurt a lot. I remember pinching myself in my dream to see if it was real or not and actually feeling the pinch, but somehow knowing that it didn't feel quite right, that I didn't really feel awake, that I thought I was awake, in a filmy sort of awakeness, but...wasn't really sure.

Consequently, at around seven o'clock I finally fell asleep for a while (still with some weird dreams) and missed shul. I got up just in time to go to D2 for lunch.

D2's lunch was also really, really nice. A bunch of other people were there - but not too many, so it didn't feel crowded. One girl had just moved to the Heights and knew absolutely no one. She had been planning on eating by herself when one of D2's other guests met her in shul and insisted she come eat lunch with us. She turned out to be a really nice girl, and so was everyone else who ate there (aside from D2, I was not good friends with/didn't really know the other girls there, but we all had a really nice time together).

And some friends who are reading this will be pleased to know that I was not as shy at these meals as these friends might be used to or expect. In fact, I came away from them with more friends than I had before Shabbos started. And that is one thing I really do love about the Heights. I love the opportunity to meet new people and become reacquainted with others. It's like everyone is starting over in the Heights, so someone I never spoke to at Stern is suddenly someone I could speak to now. Girls whose paths would never cross mine in Midtown are suddenly in my path Uptown.

Due to the fact that I was still not feeling amazing - and I'm sure the fact that I barely slept on Friday night did not help - I went back to my apartment after lunch and didn't leave it again the rest of the day. I humored myself and the fact that I was not feeling well by spending the late afternoon lying on the couch reading a book from my childhood. (Those sort of books are always a source of comfort for me.) I suspect I felt worse because I felt a little lonely and little disoriented. I didn't quite feel like I was in a place I could identify. I know that doesn't make much sense, but it was like I didn't have a good grasp on where I was. Everything is too new here, too unfamiliar. For instance, even though I was not at my house, I would still feel at home when I stayed in for Shabbos at Stern. I even feel more at home when I go away to close friends, like when I go to SerandEz. But not here. Here I don't know how I feel, but it's not a feeling of being at home. Not yet, anyway.

I read until it began to get too dark to comfortably make out the words on the page. Then I reached a dilemma. I had forgotten to look up when exactly Shabbos ended. The only way I knew to find out would be to go online or call someone - neither of which I could do until Shabbos was over! Hmmm.

I figured I would just wait until I could see three stars, but the sky was really cloudy. At a certain point, I could make out two, and it was already really dark by then. It seemed really late. I couldn't imagine Shabbos wasn't over yet. I waited a bit to make absolutely certain it was late enough, and then figured I would make Havdalah for myself (another thing I didn't really prepare for...it was sort of makeshift) and then take a chance and go online to make sure Shabbos was really over. I had done the math based on when candle lighting was, but I couldn't really trust myself. What if I was wrong? What if Shabbos wasn't really over yet?!

It's one of the oddest things to go on your computer and check myzmanim to see if Shabbos is over. Luckily, it had been over for a while already.

Anyway, that was my adventurous Shabbos, which followed an adventurous Thursday. I've been having a steady stream of adventures on my own lately. It's interesting how that happens.

This post is more like a journal entry, huh? Well, I guess that's how it goes sometimes. I'm still feeling somewhat disoriented here, like I don't quite know where I am. But I really am making myself face this new place head on. Hopefully this disoriented feeling will go away soon, and then Heights will start feeling like home.

Though at the moment, the familiar feels like a breath of fresh air.

Directions

I forge my way through brambling woods, a path crunching under my footsteps. Each step leaves its own imprint, joining in the trail of footprints behind me. Ahead, there is no path, for I have not yet tread beyond where I stand right now.

To say I don't know where the path leads is a misinterpretation of how I live. In my life, my footsteps create the path, like Hansel and Gretel dropping breadcrumbs along their way. I can turn around and look at the road I have paved with each small step I venture toward the unformed future. I can see the way it weaves, sometimes making sharp turns, sometimes going rigidly straight, but never in too predictable of a pattern.

I am my own person and so I make my own choices. I alone am the craftswoman of this path. I am the artist. I decide whether to go right or left, or diagonal, or circular. I make my own wrong turns and I find new ways to reach where I wish to go.

Sometimes I watch other people and their paths, trying to learn and understand which choices have certain results, which direction is rockier, which is smooth, which is an uphill struggle, which will let me slide easily downward. (Of course, perhaps it is better to struggle upward than to slide downward.)

And sometimes my directional choices take me far away from people who once tread nearby. They also bring me closer to others. But it's strange, the way that happens. I am used to certain scenery, certain company, and then gradually - too gradually for me to notice right away - everything changes. I end up somewhere else, somewhere new, somewhere wonderful.

But what about those whose paths used to be nearer to mine? What if my path does not naturally head in their direction anymore? Do I just leave them behind? Or do I try to force my feet in directions they do not wish to walk so I may travel closer to those the rest of me wishes to be near? What if that means turning back instead of going forward? Is there a way to turn back while still advancing in my own direction?

One Step Forward

It feels like the end of this year signifies a step forward for most people I know. Of my own peer group, we've graduated college. A close friend of mine just got a job. Another close friend of mine is going to have her first baby. Two good friends are getting married this month. My brother is starting YU in the fall. And my sister graduated high school today.

A huge mazel tov goes to Trademark and my cousins Tree and F1 all on their high school graduations.

Trademark graduated from my old high school and it was kind of funny to notice how not much had changed. The girls were different. Hair styles were different. One of the assistant principals was different. But...that was about it.

When Trademark wanted to take a picture with the principal afterward, the principal asked me to be in the picture, too. She wished me luck in figuring out what my next step in life will be, as though not a day had passed since I had been one of her students.

It seems a lot of people get mazel tovs this summer. So mazel tov to you all.

It also seems as though lots of people are taking one distinctive step forward in life. I wish all of you much hatzlacha in all that you will face and, knowing you guys, I know you'll all handle everything with poise, grace, firmness, seriousness, and humor (yes, all of those together). I believe that if you smile at the world, the world will smile back at you. And yet none of you are too frivolous. You take your lives seriously, but with a smile all the same. Kol hakavod and may you continue to be wonderful people and excel at life.

Starting Out On A Journey

I am officially done with school.

Ever.

(Or maybe not ever, but for now.)

Last night was my last night as the Apple's roommate. In fact, it was my last night as part of TBA (what I nicknamed our apartment on my blog way back in the beginning of the year. I believe it stands for "The Best Apartment" - not very original, I know). But not even, because M.R. had already left.

Last night, the Apple and I talked a bit until we were nearly asleep (that didn't take very long, seeing as we were both exhausted from packing and transporting luggage). When I shut the lamp, I thought to myself, "These last few seconds before I fall asleep are my last few seconds as a member of this apartment. When I wake up in the morning, my time at Stern will really be over." While I was still the Apple's roommate, it was like school was still in session, even though there were no more classes. I was still a part of my Stern experience. Now I'm home for Shabbos and any return to the Stern premises will be as a graduate.

Truthfully, I do have one more night in my apartment at Stern. D2 and I are packing our stuff on motzei Shabbos and leaving Sunday morning. But it will be just us. We will be the last ones to say goodbye to The Apartment.

...And then we, and everyone else, will go on together to the next stage of our lives.

What's both nice and strange at the same time is that we're not saying goodbye to each other. We're going to be seeing each other next year. This is not like the end of the year in Israel when people go off to their respective colleges in various different states or countries or even continents. Those people you really need to say goodbye to. But not my friends now. We're still going to be together in some ways, but...differently. I don't know what it will be like but it doesn't feel lonely.

D2, Chana, SJ, M.R., and the Apple,

This year, there were struggles, triumphs, difficult moments, awesome moments...but you guys have been amazing apartment mates.

At the start of this year, I wrote a post on beginnings. Well, now we're all facing a new kind of beginning. It's the beginning of a path in a completely different walk of life. But I think we're not alone on that path. It's one we don't know well at all, yet we are not walking it in solitude, even as we are also all doing different things next year.

There's a song from the end of the movie Anastasia that I love. It's meant to be a love song really, but I think it can really apply to any sort of close relationship - especially a deep-rooted friendship that will help each of us face whatever journey we have up ahead.



As I step wistfully out of one stage and nervously, but not unhappily, into the next, I take with me everything my time at Stern College for Women has provided me with. In a way, I am the same person I always was, except I'm being that person in a different way. It's slightly confusing. But refreshing, in a way. It's exciting to feel like I can possibly do something important with my life outside of the comfortable school cocoon.

So thank you, Stern College.

This post feels somewhat awkward, but I guess some things are hard to say, let alone say with elegance.

This blog will no longer be the records of a girl in college. Now it will be something else. Perhaps it will be more important to me than ever to write about what happens to me. My life suddenly feels like it's one big surprise.

I suppose we shall see what happens come tomorrow.

Thoughts and Things I've Learned

More than any other schooling experience, my time at Stern has been a real journey. Through the teachers, the classes, and friends both in and out of school, I have been molded, and perhaps molded myself, into a richer, more mature, more self-assured person.

One of the first things I've had to learn was not to compare myself to anyone else. Someone else's success is not my failure. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with me, even if I did not "get" whatever the other person "got." Regardless of what any other person gets or how far any other person goes in any pursuit, I can only get as far and do as well as my efforts and talents allow.

The more you look at what other people are doing in comparison to what you are doing, the more negative feelings you will conjure up towards that other person. Trust me, it's not at all worth it. Feeling those things won't change anything. All it will do is make you frustrated and annoyed at both the other person and yourself. You'll resent the other person for doing well and you'll resent yourself for not performing to your potential and for feeling resentful towards your friend.

Yeah, it's frustrating not to get as good a grade as you want, especially if a friend does better than you in school. It's disappointing, and even somewhat depressing, to wish to get chosen for something and get passed over in favor of your friend. Such things bring competition into places where there should be none. But when such things happen, instead of looking at yourself and feeling resentful about all you're lacking, it's good to realize that you do have talents and that you have a lot more to go in order to reach your potential.

On that note, you always have the chance to grow more in your talents and stretch out your hand farther towards your potential. A grade is not a brand marking you forever as the limit of your abilities. There is always room and opportunity to strive for higher accomplishments. So you don't succeed today. That's okay. There's always tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. Or even the next decade. Today might be someone else's moment, but one day it will be yours, too.

Something else I learned is to stand behind my own words. After all, if I don't stand by myself, who will? If I don't feel confident in what I'm saying, why should anyone take me seriously? Or believe in my ability to get anywhere or accomplish anything? If I write disclaimers before all my stories, it means I don't believe in my own writing! Am I going to be afraid of showing myself to the world forever? Or am I going to stand up and be confident that my opinions count, too, and that they're just as valid as anyone else's?

Sometimes people say things about you that aren't necessarily true or super accurate. Sometimes you even say things about yourself that aren't exactly accurate just to please or pacify someone else. But why should you? Why shouldn't you stand true to who you are?

I'm pretty intimidated about leaving the safety of school and stepping out into the "real" world. No matter what anyone says about the difference between the different stages of schooling (elementary, high school, college) or how on your own you are throughout school, there is always, always, always a difference between being in school and not being in school anymore. School is a place we all know by heart. We are all experts on The System. We can hold that system in our hands and mold it like clay to fit our needs. It's a system we've run around in, tripped over, and learned to balance just right. We know where all the lines are and just how far to push them. We know where we stand when we're in school - any school.

But I don't know the system outside of school. I don't know what is expected of me, where the lines are, or if I can even push them a centimeter. School is like a maze that we can feel our way through instinctively until, suddenly, it is not a maze any longer but a series of passages - some that are well known and some that are secret only to ourselves.

The outside world, to me, does not seem like a series of passages at all. From afar, it looks like a vast, seamless ocean of...a lot going on. There are new rules, new lines. It's a totally new game. I feel like I'm being pushed into the middle of a game of capture the flag and I haven't even been told who's on what team.

But the thing is, when you don't know the rules, if you know yourself then that's at least a start. If you don't know yourself or what you're getting into, that's tricky. Then you could be completely molded by whatever choices you make. Of course, you're always going to be somewhat colored by the environment you're in, but having a strong idea of who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you approve of, what you wish to stay away from...that can help bring some direction, probably. At least - then you won't lose yourself in the vastness of possibilities that are out there. Or, it makes me feel better about it, anyway.

One last thing I'd like to write about here is facing the world with a positive attitude. I have so many friends who either always seem to be in a good mood or who don't let bad things bring them down. I admire them so much for this. Something I'm really working on is not letting things get to me, or get to me enough that it ruins my whole positive perspective on life. I really believe that if you face the world with a smile, the world will smile back. It's just something I have to learn how to do better.

Anyway, I don't mean for this post to hit anyone over the head with lessons. These are merely things that I have found valuable, but of course each person is different and each will find different kinds of inspiration and different ways to bring meaning and purpose into their lives.

And no, that was not a disclaimer. :P

Regrouping

You know when you feel like you've had a stressful week and then you realize it's only Tuesday?

I started this week off on the wrong foot. I was ill and up all night Saturday night/Sunday morning, grumpy and tired all day Sunday, had a stressful meeting with a professor on Monday, was up all night Monday working, and then tired, grumpy, and stressed out on Tuesday.

Today is Tuesday.

Today my thesis was due.

I did not hand it in today.

Sometimes, after a few days like that, you just need to crash. You need to not do any more schoolwork and just chill out for a little while. All day today I felt like I couldn't take a break because I had to finish my thesis by 4:40. At 4:40, I figured I still had until five (this was when my Senior Thesis class usually met). At 6:30, I felt like the whole thing was sort of a lost cause. And now, at 9:30, I decided I need to just forget about my thesis for the rest of the night. I need to ease my mind and go to bed early. I need to smile about things and feel good and not let anything get to me.

Sometimes you work really hard on something and, when you're done, you still know it's not your best work. It's despairing because after all that hard effort, something ought to be your best, oughtn't it? But yet you read it and feel that it's not very good, and then you feel bad about yourself because you put your all into it and yet, somehow, that wasn't really your all. Either that or your all isn't really very good.

But now is not the time to think of those things. Now is the time to chill out and thank God for giving you wonderful friends (both those who cheer you up and those who help you out), funny blogs, and mindless youtube videos.

These Days And More

Sitting cross-legged on the floor of a narrow, square room reading Henry James out loud,
Occasionally shifting to my knees when I get too uncomfortable,
And then switching back to Indian style when I start to lose feeling in my feet.

Again sitting on the floor, this time of the Borders behind Penn Station,
Safe and snug in the set-back corner of the children's section.
Two of us there, each with a hot mint chocolate drink in one hand,
And an iced one in the other: a welcome mistake.

Sitting once more on a park bench,
Firecracker ices in hand--
The red dripping down the white until we get to the Patriotic bottom
Which gives us Smurf lips
And we stick out our blue tongues at each other like a secret handshake,
A family crescent, a clubhouse password.

Lost in the snow, the wheels of the car sliding slowly over transparent ice,
Then we sneak around the hoity-toity lodge
Pretending, for a few moments, we belong there, too.
Then chased by an overeager, over-hungry squirrel,
The iced wind biting at our faces and pinching our cheeks red.

Ice skating, ice skating, ice skating.
Alone, and then with you, and then alone, and then with you,
Around and around and around.
The rink a ring of people--
Pass by the same ones, yet each time you're different, they're different.
Change without change.
Watch out for the jocks who try to cut you off. They'll trip themselves one day, doing that.
They'll never trip me, though.
Here is one place I never fall.

Warm in there, on the couch, on the rocking chair, tired but don't want to sleep.
Awake, awake, stay awake.
Blink my eyes open - when did they close?
Open, yes, they're open.
And I'm wide awake now - but how?
Was I talking?
Whose line is it anyway?

Those glass elevators go up, up, up
I like to look down and see everything get smaller and smaller.
Dizzying -but a thrill because I can make myself look and still want to continue going up.
Let's ride again!
Up and back down, then back up--
Let's stay up, can't we?

Words on the screen tell us to sing.
Sing?
There are people. People!
They might hear us!
Do we even know the songs?
We laugh and sing and sing and laugh.
I am not me, you are not you, we are not we--
We just are.
Having the time of our lives.

These days and more. These days and more.
These days--
And more.

P.S. The Squeaker - the inspiring tale of a boy and his sneaker.

Toast

For everyone I'm friends with - but especially my apartment mates.

Strange

It's always slightly strange to go immediately from one group of people in your life to a completely different group of people in your life. The contrast is sometimes so stark, it becomes almost confusing.

It's like this. I know who I am. I know which parts of me come out when around certain people. I am very comfortable with that. Then, when I'm around other people, I become a slightly different person. Does this make sense to any of you? It's like I'm a person from the past, and then I start to get muddled about who I really am now. It feels almost like straddling two worlds. I have one foot in one world and one foot in another and I just have no idea where I really belong anymore. I don't only mean personality-wise, I mean hashkafically, too.

Unless I just create my own world called Erachetland. Uh...come visit, sometime. It's lonely all by myself in there.

Being There

This song is from the musical Wicked and it is one of the only songs I know that truly portrays the sentiments between two close friends. While listening to it recently, I came to understand something about friendships that I had been struggling with before. The song is all about how a good friend can influence you and this influence leads to change. However, a friend cannot "change" you. You change yourself based on how you've been influenced.

Similarly, when seeking advice, a friend can be there for you and advise you, but cannot actually solve anything. A friend can be a guide but it is you who has to take that final step to internalize all the guidance you've received and use it to direct yourself back to the place where you want to be. It's always a struggle when you turn to your friends for help and find that while they're helping you, you feel better, but then the feeling doesn't last. This feeling of disappointment and renewed stress comes from the expectation that your friends are the ones who will be able to make things better for you, when really only you can make things better for yourself.

This is not to say a person is alone. Not at all. It's like in stories when the hero goes on a difficult journey and has friends helping along the way - sometimes along the entire way. But there is always that crucial moment at the end when the hero has to step up and overcome the final challenge on his/her own. The hero always has to take one extra step further than anyone else, but the friends are there to cheer the hero on, give guidance, and to receive the hero with open arms when the final task is completed.

Essentially, change and growth are strongest when they come from you, but the pain of the struggle can be much soothed with the support of friends.

Friends are like the safety net which catches you when you fall off life's balance beam. True friends are there for each other as much as they can be. True friends care about and look out for each other, and they have their friends' best interests in mind.

True friends are real.

Of course, there's always the question of how much a friend should invest in someone else. It's always important to remember to take care of yourself, not just your friends.

Sometimes, though, if a friend is particularly down, it's nice to have a reminder of that safety net. Sometimes you may feel very alone, even if you have many friends surrounding you, and it is during those times when it's nicest to hear the words, "I'm here for you." Just those words alone, the knowledge that you are not alone, that your friends are there with you and supporting you and even holding your hand a little, can give strength enough to overcome struggles, and to overcome them on your own. Being aware of your support group - of your safety net - takes away a bit of the fear of falling, because you know there is something there to catch you should that happen, and once that fear is gone, it becomes much easier to plow forward on your own. It is also kind of nice to know there are those who truly care about your success.

But how strong is friendship, really? Often it happens that we become out of touch with those who were once close to us, or sometimes friends just grow apart - or even have a falling out. Does this make friendship fleeting? I agonized over this for a little while and came to the conclusion that the above situations do not A. decrease the value in the friendship that used to exist B. mean those friends don't still think about each other from time to time C. mean those friends don't still carry a part of each other that once influenced them (or continues to influence them) and made them such a part of each other's lives.

If you are close enough, chances are you will have a lasting impact on someone else's life, even if it's something really small. Friends leave traces of themselves in each other. What a person does with these traces is up to them, how a person changes is up to them, but the fact that the impact is there cannot be denied.

Anyway, this song is for all those I've become close with over the years, whether I'm very close with them at the moment or whether I'm no longer in touch with them at all (of course, the lines about parting don't apply to people I'm currently friends with, since it would be very sad to think of permanently parting with them, but they do apply to those I'm not sure I'll see very much of again).



May we all surround ourselves with the right people - the ones who help us to grow and whom we help in return. The ones who leave positive lasting impressions on us. It's hard not to feel insecure sometimes, as I'm sure many people feel, and hope that my friends are there for me, even while knowing that of course they are. I guess I just really hope, no matter what, that I have grown and continue to grow and that I have the strength to be able to face every new challenge with confidence, and I wish the same for all readers of my blog, whether I know them or not.

Important Things

A few important things happened this week or are about to happen:

1. My first ever real best friend got married this past Thursday. I couldn't be at her wedding because it was in Israel and I couldn't exactly skip my first week of school (sadly). The weird thing is - even though we don't speak a lot because of time difference and just the different directions our lives have taken, there is still a really strong bond there. Her family made aliyah the summer after first grade - so we were both only six years old. But my earliest memories include her and her family. We've been best friends since we were a year old. That's something special. Not everyone is still in touch with their friends from that long ago. We see each other nearly every time either I go to Israel or she comes to America and our families just have a very special relationship that doesn't require constant contact in order to stay strong. In a weird way, it's almost like a long lost sister of mine has just gotten married. I know that's kind of hard to explain, but when I was looking at her wedding pictures, that's what it felt like.

2. I have three friends making aliyah on the Nefesh b'Nefesh flight tomorrow. Each of them is from a different part of my life, although they sort of overlap, too. One is a boy (I know, I know, co-ed friendship, co-ed summer camp, blah blah) I went to Moshava with for a number of summers. We're part of a very tight group of seven friends and...it's just really hard to explain us. It's sort of like a clique but in a very noncliquey way. It's like a kind of family, in a way. We've all gone our separate routes (although two of the people in this group are marrying each other later this year...), but we're all focused on ending up in Israel (actually, everyone except one other girl and myself have accomplished this already - or have definite plans to do so). I miss all of them a lot - many of them I haven't seen in ages because, well, they're in Israel. Sigh.

The second friend is a girl I went to Harova with and the third is a girl I became friends with in Stern (in Ivrit class, actually - at least one good thing came out of Ivrit at Stern!). So basically, someone from my teenage years, someone from my year in Israel, and someone from my college days (which are still going on) is making aliyah on the same flight tomorrow. So if I go to the airport to see them off, it will be something like facing various parts of my life all joining to take a powerful journey together. Except I will not be with them, which is sad for me. But mazal tov to them and much hatzlacha!

3. Mavis (my brother) started high school. This means my family is officially old - we're all high school and up!

4. Last Sunday, we saw Straight Man (my other brother) off to Israel for shana bet.

5. Trademark not only started her senior year of high school this week, but she is DRIVING.

6. A week and a half ago, I started my last year in Stern. Which is scary.

Taking lessons from school into life

It's almost a year since I wrote this post, which means it's almost a year since the tragic death of my Latin teacher. I don't know the exact Hebrew date of when she was killed, though I think the English date is July 7 (at least, that's what it says on the blog we, her students, created), but seeing as I'm going to be away for a little while anyway, I wanted to write about this now.

Well, there's not much I actually want to say. A whole lot has happened since then. We've sort of started a literary journal at Stern. The English department both fell apart and started to grow in major ways. And I know I've grown a lot as a person since then.

I think one of the main things I've learned over the course of this year, and some of that directly in connection with the events of last summer and with who Dr. Schwebel was as a person, is how not to be afraid to talk to people. It's still something I'm working really hard to get over, but I've become closer with more people this year than I have since my year in Israel. Life is short. You really never know what's going to happen, as morbid as that sounds, and, really, life is way too short to spend time being afraid. Believe me, I'm preaching this, but I'm still learning it, too. I'm learning it in a big way. Even with other things...like driving. Dr. Schwebel's accident only increased my fear of driving into pure terror, but yet this was also the year that I first drove on the highway by myself.

I think we should all just appreciate so much the friends and family we have because we're all super, super lucky to have people around us who care about us and love us. And we shouldn't take for granted any good teachers we have because, I'm also discovering, those are rarer than they may seem, especially if they are both teachers and role models. Basically, realize and appreciate the people in your life who matter because it's those people who are helping you become the best you can be in all aspects of yourself.

For all the bloggers whose blogs I've read/been reading: thanks for inspiring (and entertaining :P) me.

And for all the good friends I've made (or become closer with) this year, I love you guys. And thank you.

You've got a friend in me

It is amazing how powerful friendship is. I think we need it, we crave it, as intensely as we need and crave food and water. As the Torah says, "it is not good for Man to be alone." It is hard to always remember how much we mean to our friends, especially when we're wrapped up in our own lives or our own troubles and worries. But when we finally discover that it has been days without any real human interaction, the resulting emotions are awful. You can end up starving for friendship - and not the sort of camaraderie that exists in a group, but the attention of that one friend, or maybe two friends, who makes it clear to you that you, specifically you, are important and valued and enjoyable to be around. It's always, always, always so important to take the time out for a good friend, both for your friend's sake and for yours. And the silliest thing is for everyone to sit on their own wondering where all their friends have gone and not realizing that their friends are wondering the same exact thing.

There are certain times of the year where friendship is put to the test. Finals, the summer, times when people are super busy and very apart. Times when there is no structure in the day which guarantees your running into your friends and consequently spending time with them afterwards. These are times where it's sometimes difficult to take the initiative and reach out, because you're sitting alone feeling depressed and wondering why no one is reaching out to you.

But it's incredibly amazing how spending just one night hanging out with a good friend can change the view of the previous hours and change the way you wake up the next morning - suddenly ready to face the day. It's unbelievable how powerful being with just one friend is and how happy it can make you, almost like you're recharging your battery. You're rejuvenated suddenly, your hunger is gone, you're strong again and you can once more face the world with your head up, knowing you've got your friends by your side if you need them. I think we all need reminders like that every so often. It's so easy to forget and fall into despondency.

Anyway, I guess the point of this is, take time out in your day for your friends. Even though everyone is always so busy, it's so, so, so important to make sure you're there for your friends, too, and it'll make you feel just as happy. And thank you to everyone who has been such a good friend to me this year and any time before that and, I hope, will continue to be in the future. I really, really, really appreciate it.

Where do friends go once they're married?

Unlike probably a lot of people who read this blog, I don't have that many friends who are engaged, although the number is slowly rising. This past Sunday, I attended my first ever wedding of a really close friend. Our relationship was such that while we didn't necessarily interact every single day, I always knew that she was available if I needed it, and I hope she felt the same way about me. Hers was always the house I went to on Shabbat afternoon if I could drag myself outside. When my parents went away in the summers, her house was the one I always relocated to. The concept of that not being the case any longer was one I didn't comprehend until the very end of the wedding.

It's a strange mix of feelings - being overjoyed for a friend and yet depressed at your own loss. I didn't understand how to handle the situation. Could I just call her up like usual? How long did I have to wait until she had time for friends again? And I felt so incredibly guilty for not feeling as happy as I should due to all my own anxieties.

Then, last night, she called me and I had the weirdest epiphany. It felt so out of context, because she was married and yet her name came up on my phone like it always did and she was exactly the same person as before. I was completely overcome with this realization that things haven't changed as drastically as I had assumed. Perhaps it's only because this was my first experience with this stuff, but I was always under the assumption that people disappeared when they got married - that they got swallowed up by married life and entered into a world which was closed off to the rest of us until we, too, joined their ranks as married people.

Of course, things will be different, but not necessarily as different as I imagined. Married people are still there, they're just...married. And now that I understand that, I can allow myself to feel properly happy for my friend, which is what I should have been feeling all along. because she and her chatan are amazing people and make an awesome pair.

Wicked Fun

I know I haven't updated in a while - especially not a real update - but I'm going to cheat a little and use some fun youtube videos as an excuse for posting. But they're not just fun, they're wicked fun! And...they're all from Wicked! Wicked is probably my favorite musical ever, tied with Les Miserables. I saw it twice (the first time really early on with the original cast and the second time SJ and I won the show lottery and got front row seats). And so, for your entertainment tonight, we have...

Kristin Chenoweth's last performance of the song Popular. Check out what goes on starting from 5:30. I've seen this show twice and I'm positive that part was added in as a special thing for Kristin Chenoweth's last night. rated: HILARIOUS.





This is an absolute tear-jerker. It's also from Kristin Chenoweth's last night. It keeps reminding me of all the awesome bonding that I keep missing that happens when you're in a show. :(



And this is absolutely hilarious. REAL, LIVE BLOOPERS. See, things can go wrong even in a Broadway musical. We just all have to learn to deal with the things life sends our way. And hopefully, we're all a little bit good at improv, too. :D



This last one is dedicated to all my friends who read my blog (you all know who you are...you're probably the only ones reading at this point, anyway :P). Yeah, it's sappy, but there's never a wrong time to let you all know how much I appreciate you and how much you guys have influenced me. So! Let the sap begin:



Thank you all for being such a great audience! *bows* *exits stage left*

Hurry! Say Something Funny!

Gah, many posts today. Well, only three. That's alright then.


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

This particular comic strip really sums up what I feel like sometimes. It's sort of like when you're at a social event, or just a bus ride with people you know you ought to make friends with, and you really want to make friends with them, but you just can't think of anything of interest to say. That's happened to me on many occasions, though I'm thinking of one in particular. But even, say, a good friend of yours has a good friend and you all hang out together in a group, but suddenly your mutual friend leaves the room and it's just you and your friend's friend, and all of a sudden, it goes quiet, neither of you saying anything, both fidgeting with your phones or the string at the end of your sleeve that's coming unraveled, thinking you really should cut it off eventually. And in that short span of time, you fail to make an impression. You fail to engage your friend's friend, or the people on the bus who you want to be friends with, or those at the social event, in a conversation that will secure your friendship, or at least make yourself seem at all interesting and fun to be around. Isn't that just the worst feeling?