Can't Sleep

It is difficult indeed
When you find you are in need
Of a single night's good rest--
For, you cry, you try your best!--
But instead of drifting off,
All you're wont to do is cough.

If cough syrup has to taste that awful, the least it could do is work. :(

Edit: Here I am an hour later still unable to fall asleep, still coughing, and a half hour too early to take more medicine. Not that the medicine is proving to be all that helpful.

Ugh. It is so distressing to be awake all because of a stupid cough. It's that feeling where you lie there and want to just be one of those jugglers who swallows fire so you can burn the scratch away from your throat because things like hot chocolate are just not helping. Or you sit there in class and all you can think about is how you need to cough and then you choke on yourself and it's so annoying because, ugh, I just want to SLEEP.

(Sorry, the Apple!)

Nighttime Blues

As a little kid, I never liked going to bed. My parents say that as baby I was nocturnal. I would cry all night until my dad took me out of my crib at three in the morning and we'd watch I Love Lucy. Then I'd be quiet.

When I got a little bit older, I was the typical little girl who wanted to stay up late with all the grown-ups. I used to get angry at being put to bed and would rebel by reading in my room with a flashlight or sitting up eavesdropping on the conversation downstairs (usually both).

In high school, I went through a weird phase where I liked going to bed, except I wouldn't go to sleep. I just needed that alone time when I knew no one would bother me. Then I would lay awake in my bed for hours thinking.

Israel was probably the only time in my entire life that I actually went to bed like a normal person. And that's only because I wanted to be the first one downstairs in the morning to get chocolate chip pancakes (yes, my school made us chocolate chip pancakes every other morning).

Now in college, I don't hide away in my room anymore at night because I have plenty of alone time hours during the day. I started to like being around my friends a lot more. I would get lonely at night and need to visit them or gchat with them - or both. Being in a dorm without roommates can be rather lonely. At home you've got your family all over the house. In school there's no one there unless you seek them out. I used to get afraid of missing out on something, no matter how unrealistic. Once everyone's asleep - what is there to miss out on??? Or if they're all studying - what? I want to go study with them? Of course not. So what is with my obsession about needing people around all the time when I'm usually not missing out on anything?

It's sort of the same as when I would want to be awake with the adults as a little kid. They weren't talking about anything I could understand, so why would I want to stay up with them just to be bored?

It must be that I just don't like going to sleep.

I remember one year when I was in sleepaway camp - I think I was around eleven or twelve years old - and we were having a conversation in the bunk about sleeping. My counselor said that sleep is 1/60 of death and I got so disturbed and creeped out by that idea that I refused to fall asleep that night. Of course, I did end up doing so eventually, but for about a week I was terrified of falling asleep.

Then I went through a weird phase where I would try to catch myself just before falling asleep. I always wondered what it felt like to fall asleep. You can't really remember doing it, you know? It sort of just happens without your knowledge.

But mostly, I have been, am, and probably always will be reluctant to go to sleep. There are people to talk to, there are things happening, there's the whole world still existing around you. There are books to be read, stories to write, people to gchat, thoughts to think, ponderings to ponder...who has time for sleeping? Who wants to shut all of that out by hours of unconsciousness? It's like giving up on the day.

Too bad we can't function without sleep because if we could - I don't think I ever would.

(Of course, if I never slept then I'd never dream and I'm probably the world's most vivid dreamer, so perhaps I would go to sleep. Sometimes.)

Sleeping Meme

As I have been tagged (by Scraps) for this meme, I decided I might as well fill it out. After all, who doesn't love talking about oneself??? Btw, WHO RECOGNIZES THIS PICTURE??? Yay childhood!

1. How much sleep do you get on an average night?
Somewhere between 6 and 8, though usually closer to 6.
2. Is that enough sleep for you?
No. Nothing is ever enough sleep for me.
3. At what time do you normally go to sleep and wake up?
I usually go to sleep around 2 every night, give or take a half an hour. I wake up always around five, five thirtyish, go back to sleep, and my alarm wakes me again at 8. Er, I get out of bed sometime after that.
4. Do you usually fall asleep right away or have trouble?
It depends how exhausted I am. I tend to sleep better in school than at home (weird, no?) so at school, I fall asleep almost right away (especially if I'm reading). At home, I toss and turn a bit more and wake up more frequently during the night.
5. What size bed do you have?
Twin.
6. How many pillows do you use?
Two, and at home I also use a stuffed yellow dog as a sort of third pillow.
7. In what position do you sleep?
All different positions (I toss and turn a lot before I fall asleep, though I generally don't move around once I'm sleeping. I know this because I've woken up after eight hours with my hand still holding open a book). My favorite is all curled up in a fetal position, though.
8. Do you need it to be quiet or dark to sleep?
No way. If I'm tired enough, I can fall asleep anywhere. It actually unsettles me when it's TOO quiet and TOO dark, so I'm less likely to fall asleep in those conditions. I like low background noise and soft darkness (as in, a little bit of light but not glaring light). My favorite conditions for falling asleep, oddly enough, are in the early morning when natural light is coming in through the window shades, giving the room a cool, blue look. I also like it when it actually IS a bit cool. I fall asleep better in the cold than in the heat.
9. Do you use earplugs or an eye mask?
Never. Ew.
10. Have you ever used a sleeping aid long-term?
Nope.
11. Do you use headgear, a night retainer, or a biteplate?
Erm. I own a retainer.
12. What do you normally wear to bed?
T-shirt and light pants (or shorts, in the summer). Unless the heat is broken in my dorm room and it's utterly freezing, in which case I wear a t-shirt, sweatshirt, and sweatpants.
13. Do you frequently fall asleep in your clothing?
No, never, unless it's the middle of shabbat afternoon and I'm reading and fall asleep by accident. Otherwise, I DETEST sleeping in my clothing. Clothing is for being awake, pajamas are for sleeping. Sleeping gear may NEVER be worn while awake and doing things. Ew.
14. Do you prefer a heavy or light blanket?
Depends on how cold/hot it is. I prefer heavy to light, I think, because I like cuddling up under my blanket and it's easier to do that if it's thicker.
15. Do you prefer warm or cool PJs?
COOL.
16. Do you wear socks to bed?
Never, never, never. Your feet need to BREATHE, people! I never wear anything to bed that will make me wake up sweaty. EW.
17. What is your bedtime routine?
Check my email, take out contacts, get in pajamas, get a drink of water, get in bed, read until I fall asleep. Sometimes, if I'm too tired to read, I'll just take a book and have it to fall asleep with. Like, instead of a teddy bear. I don't know why, but especially when I can't fall asleep, that seems to help. It helps even MORE if I actually OPEN the book and hold it open while falling asleep, even if I don't read one word. I'm weird, sometimes.
18. Do you listen to music when you’re falling asleep?
I went through a phase in high school and Israel when I did that, but I stopped and I don't think I'd go back to it. I like to actually listen to the songs too much, plus having headphones in my ears while falling asleep isn't very pleasant.
19. Have you sucked your thumb in recent years?
Not in recent years, no. But as a kid - BIG TIME. I was a HUGE thumb sucker until about kindergarten, or even first grade.
20. Do you still sleep with your childhood blankie/teddy?
YES. But it's not a blankie OR a teddy. It's a yellow dog named Yellow Doggie. I got my naming skills from Adam and Chava so shh. Adam saw a dog, he named it Dog. I saw a yellow dog, I named it Yellow Doggie. SAME THING.
21. Do you snore?
Ugh, no. I suppose if I'm sick I might breathe heavily, but that's it.
22. Do you sleeptalk or sleepwalk?
I've been told I sleep talk sometimes, but not really. I definitely don't sleep walk. Sometimes I feel myself laughing at my dreams, though. I dunno what you'd call that - a sleep laugh? I'm usually about to wake up when that happens, though.
23. Do you wake up to use the bathroom often?
Not every night, but pretty often. Usually once a night.
24. What things inhabit your bed aside from a blanket and pillow?
Me, yellow doggie (when I'm at home, Doggie doesn't come to school because I don't want to have to wash him from Dorm Germs. He's too fragile), sometimes a book.
25. What kind of alarm clock do you use?
At home I have a clock radio, but in school I use an iHome.
26. Do you ever wake up before your alarm?
Almost always, unless I'm in a deep, well-rested sleep. I usually wake up about five or ten minutes before my alarm clock.
27. Do you frequently take naps?
Never. I hate naps. I hate sleeping during the day. It's disorienting and then I'd have to wash up ALL over again because I need to wash my face and brush my teeth every time I wake up, even from a nap. Also, I don't like sleeping in my contacts. Can you tell I'm rather anal about this sleeping stuff?
28. Have you ever slept ‘under the stars’?
YES! It's the best experience EVER. At a certain point at camp, I got sick of sleeping in the claustrophobic tents and spent every camp out sleeping outside. I love it. Well, unless it's raining.
29. Can you fall asleep on a bus, train, or airplane?
Yes, but I HATE it. EWWWWWW.
30. Have you ever fallen asleep and missed your stop?
Nope.
And last, but not least,
31. Over the course of a lifetime, the average person swallows six spiders in his/her sleep. How many do you think you're up to?
NONE. I refuse to acknowledge that I have been swallowing spiders in my sleep. YUCK, EW, GROSS!

I tag anyone who hasn't been tagged yet.

Before the break of day

It is 6:40 in the morning. Why am I awake now, you ask, when my first class of the day is at 10:30? For the past two nights I have hardly gotten any sleep at all due to a very annoying cough, which last night turned into a full blown cold. I got into bed at around midnight, read some Virginia Woolf until around 12:30, and then tried to go to sleep. I say tried because, well, I did sleep from the hours of 1 to 3. That was about it. I was up the rest of the night coughing and headachy and blowing my nose and generally feeling miserable. And yes, I did take advil for my headache - no, it did not help as nicely as I would have liked it to. Today my number one project is to buy cough medicine, preferably Nyquil so I can actually sleep at night.

But why am I writing this post.

For the first time in a very long time, I am awake in that odd time of day when it is technically morning but the sun has not yet risen. I am fully washed and dressed and ready for the day and I have my window shade open. Outside, it is dark, but it is interesting to watch the apartment building outside my window (at least, I think it's an apartment building) and see how many other people are awake now. How many windows have light seeping through. Most of the windows have a dim light - people could be awake or it could have been that way all night long. Who knows? But it is a strange feeling being the only one awake on my floor. I always wonder, when I am up at strange hours, who else is awake? Who else shares my sleeplessness?

Virginia Woolf has a gorgeous passage about night settling in from her book To the Lighthouse which I would like to share with you.

So with the lamps all put out, the moon sunk, and a thin rain drumming on the roof a downpouring of immense darkness began. Nothing, it seemed, could survive the flood, the profusion of darkness which, creeping in at keyholes and crevices, stole round window blinds, came into bedrooms, swallowed up here a jug and basin, there a bowl of red and yellow dahlias, there the sharp edges and firm bulk of a chest of drawers. Not only was furniture confounded; there was scarcely anything left of body or mind by which one could say, "This is he" or "This is she." Sometimes a hand was raised as if to clutch something or ward off something, or somebody groaned, or somebody laughed aloud as if sharing a joke with nothingness.

Nothing stirred in the drawing-room or in the dining-room or on the staircase. Only through the rusty hinges and swollen sea-moistened woodwork certain airs, detached from the body of the wind (the house was ramshackle after all) crept round corners and ventured indoors. Almost one might imagine them, as they entered the drawing-room questioning and wondering, toying with the flap of hanging wall-paper, asking, would it hang much longer? Would it fall? Then smoothly brushing the walls, they passed on musingly as if asking the red and yellow roses on the wall-paper whether they would fade, and questioning (gently, for there was time at their disposal) the torn letters in the wastepaper basket, the flowers, the books, all of which were now open to them and asking, Were they allies? Were they enemies? How long would they endure?

So some random light directing them with its pale footfall upon stair and mat, from some uncovered star, or wandering ship, or the Lighthouse even, the little airs mounted the staircase and nosed round bedroom doors. But here surely, they must cease. Whatever else may perish and disappear, what lies here is steadfast. Here one might say to those sliding lights, those fumbling airs that breathe and bend over the bed itself, here you can neither touch nor destroy. Upon which, wearily, ghostily, as if they had feather-light fingers and the light persistency of feathers, they would look, once, on the shut eyes, and the loosely clasping fingers, and fold their garments wearily and disappear. And so, nosing, rubbing, they went to the window on the staircase, to the servants' bedrooms, to the boxes in the attics; descending, blanched the apples on the dining-room table, fumbled the petals of roses, tried the picture on the easel, brushed the mat and blew a little sand along the floor. At length, desisting, all ceased together, gathered together, all sighed together; all together gave off an aimless gust of lamentation to which some door in the kitchen replied; swung wide; admitted nothing; and slammed to.
[Here Mr. Carmichael, who was reading Virgil, blew out his candle. It was midnight.]

But what after all is one night? A short space, especially when darkness dims so soon, and so soon a bird sings, a cock crows, or a faint green quickens, like a turning leaf, in the hollow of the wave.

And here, too, the sky has begun to turn from black to blue and soon it shall be day. It is 7:00 am.

Have a wonderful day, everyone! I think I shall spend mine sleeping, though, after my morning class (and after I buy some Nyquil).